Monday 31 March 2014

grief after rape



The following post is taken from: https://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com/tag/five-stages-of-grief/

"..I was trying to come up with a list of helpful websites to put up that looked at the long-term consequences of rape. What did I find? Endless, endless pages talking about ‘stages’. Ehow.com even gives you ‘Instructions’ on how to get over rape..

1. emotional shock and disbelief
2. embarrassment, shame, guilt
3. disorientation
3. anger, rage, revenge fantasies

Personally, I never felt disoriented, and I certainly never felt guilt. Emotional disbelief perhaps, but only after a a few hours of emotional weeping and definite awareness of what had happened to me. I’m very certain that I felt anger as the rape was going on. These stages seem somewhat out of order.  Maybe a different set of stages from another article would be more useful..

Again, I didn’t feel these stages in an ordered, chronological way. A lot of those emotions I did feel, but at random, and often all at once, in a big SMUSH of anguish.So what can we tell from all this? That these stages are total nonsense.  Not because everyone should deal with rape in the order that I did (not that there was an order), but that everyone deals with rape differently. My opinion on this is 90% borrowed from my very good friend Rachel’s dissertation on grief, so I thought I might as well just quote it verbatim:

“We are constrained and controlled by the manner in which we talk about things, living only within our spoken categories, as if the only choices that are open to us are those that we have uttered into existence. Therefore, if we follow Kubler-Ross [and her five stages] and see grief only in terms of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in that order – then what happens if we feel relieved, or guilty, or if we experience denial after an initial acceptance?

What tends to happen is that we feel that this is not allowed. Not allowed?! Surely we can see how ridiculous this is? But in the midst of the chaos of grief I don't think we can, and this simply adds to our distress. By spending all of our energy on attempting to follow these strict modern conceptions of grief we are actually restricting our emotions – we are not allowing ourselves to properly and fully grieve, and to do so in a manner that is comfortable and helpful for us. We are all individual and as such, each experience one has one will understand and process in a unique manner. So where could any sense possibly lie in trying to box each individual into the same grieving process? We are all going to experience and react to this differently too. We should expect, and we should be allowed, this freedom.”
I have a massive resonance with this. Whilst some of the stages found online do reference promiscuity, it doesn’t really get talked about in everyday magazines – what women are likely to have read before having been raped – so when I reacted by becoming Britain’s Biggest Slut, all I knew was that I was supposed to be terrified of men and hide in my house for the next three years. I felt like I was dealing with my rape wrongly. How awful to make someone who has already been subjected to sexual assault feel as though they should be ashamed for how they dealt with it. Apologies to male readers, but I am reminded of Meredith’s stinging retort to Derek in Grey’s Anatomy:
 ”I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke.”
Of course, my wild days weren’t quite a matter of deliberate choice, but the principle remains the same.
Why do we feel the need to label everything up, to organise and order? I think when we are confronted by something as horrific as rape, when the ground has fallen away from us because our child, wife or sister has told us that they were sexually attacked, we like to pretend that there is still a solid foundation. We dream up these stages, as if humans were all automatons just following a roadmap. As if attempting to cope with a trauma like that could be anything other than, in Rachel’s words, “the chaos of grief”. It is chaotic. We are all over the place. That is how it is supposed to happen.
When I first read Rachel’s dissertation, I disagreed with it. I wrote notes on her pages talking about how, in the chaos of grief, perhaps having a roadmap to follow would be a small comfort to me. But the problem with that idea is that you can’t choose how you grieve. You can’t decide that today will be a bargaining day, or that today I will feel anger. These emotions are triggered by what we experience every day: perhaps we walked past someone who resembled our rapist, or perhaps I had a helpful conversation with a friend and had a breakthrough.
The best thing to do is to allow that any of a whole range of emotions can occur at any time, and that these won’t always make sense. Nor will we experience one emotion, finish it, and then move onto the next. I now like to think of myself as being able to talk about my rape in a sensible manner. But my last post – Who is Mark? – left me shaken for the rest of the evening to the extent that I got out the video player and watched some of my childhood favourites, clinging to the familiar. I am far from whole, far from healed. My emotions, my feelings about the rape, fluctuate on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. But I’m not worried about that. The pain will go in time – my time."


"Upward spiral of grief


In much of today’s media, we meet the misguided idea of ‘stages of bereavement’ and the idea that we have to ‘pass through’ them to ‘acceptance.’
It is our idea to replace the idea of ‘stages’ with a picture of a spiral. The ‘Upward Spiral of Grief’ allows people to accept their feelings, to accept that these feelings may come back and that grieving is long term work. For example, if 6 months after a loss, you still feel really tearful and sad one day, you may worry that there is something wrong with you.
However, you will be in a different place to that black hole in the beginning. Your feelings will be the same, but with less intensity. You will have moved around the spiral. You have moved on and made some adjustments. By using this spiral we can alleviate the pressure of having to move on through the stages of bereavement. It may become less frightening to revisit these feelings time and time again. It does not mean that you have gone back to the black hole in the beginning.
The idea of acceptance can also be misleading. We prefer to replace it with the word ‘adjustment.’ If we bereaved are really honest, we rarely accept the loss. We learn to live with it; we change our life accordingly. But, accept? Hardly.
There is little doubt that we do share similar feelings following a bereavement, such as shock, despair, pining, denial, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, relief, sadness. It is comforting to know that these feelings are ‘normal.’ However, over the course of time the idea of stages has become misunderstood. Some people feel under enormous pressure to ‘pass through’ these stages in order to ‘move on’ and accept their loss. We argue that it is more realistic to think of grieving in an upward spiral.
At Grief Encounter we aim to dispel these myths and give people the freedom to say that life will never be the same."
- See more at: http://www.griefencounter.org.uk/adults/#sthash.XCxDN3GI.dpuf




Saturday 29 March 2014

suicide


"I have suffered from depression for decades. Sometimes life has been good, and the depression has been in the background, but sometimes it comes to the fore and takes control of how I see the world.
When it is in the background, little things can be bad, but not overwhelming, and I can see a point to trying, and a reason for doing things.
When it is in the foreground nothing is worthwhile. I see life as a huge onerous, endless task, with no prospect of improvement.
Simply getting up takes a mammoth effort, because it seems so pointless. My thought patterns are stuck in a deep, dark rut with no hope.
It is so hard to describe the despair of that state, where even showering, dressing and eating are things that overwhelm or daunt me, and I do not believe I deserve to feel any better.
I am a survivor of depression. It is still there, but I am learning to deal with it.
I have dragged myself out of that pit slowly, with the help of medications that meant I did not find those simple tasks a huge challenge, and allowed me the time to find new ways of thinking, through therapy.
Some people do not get through this. They are in a state where they cannot see that things will change, they cannot see that they can improve, so they act to end the pain.
I know this feeling very well.
For those who have friends or family with this disease, please realise that the feeling of despair is not their fault, and nor is it yours.
Many diseases take people to the brink of despair, where battling another day is a dreadful prospect. Depression is one of these, and while you may not see the symptoms and the agony, it is there.
For those who are in this place, hold on to the thought that things can change, that you may not be seeing things in a balanced way, and that you do deserve better.
Keep trying, and keep asking for help.
You may have not found the help you need yet, but it is there.
You do not have to face this alone."

Taken from: http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff-nation/assignments/lets-talk-about-suicide/9413112/Hard-to-describe-the-despair


Suicide has been defined as a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." For the person caught in the black hole of depression, however, there is nothing temporary about the hell he or she is experiencing. The resulting sense of hopelessness is the major trigger for suicidal thoughts, feelings and attempts. This hopelessness includes:
no hope for the future

no hope that things will ever change

no hope that I will ever be well or stable

no hope that I will be able to meet my goals in life (or even have goals)

no hope that the pain will ever stop

no hope that I can do anything to change it

When the psyche is assailed by this level of despair, suicide feels like the only way out. If you are feeling suicidal, here are some thoughts that can help you to counter the suicidal urge:
  1. Remember that you are under the influence of a "drug" called depression which is distorting your view of reality. As a result, your feelings of hopelessness do not accurately reflect your true potential for recovery.
  2. Depression, like everything else in the physical world, is cyclic. In most cases, it comes and goes; it has a beginning and an end. A useful affirmation to repeat is, "Nothing stays the same forever. This, too, shall pass."
  3. An overwhelming majority of people who have suffered from suicidal feelings have fully recovered. The odds that you will get better are in your favor.
  4. If you have family and/or friends in your life, realize that they will be devastated by losing you. Their suffering will only add to the existing suffering in the world.
  5. Use the techniques described in the depression survival plan in this book to increase your coping resources and to keep yourself safe.
  6. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things. Just because you feel like killing yourself, it doesn't mean you have to act on it this minute. This is one time when procrastinating is a good idea.
  7. Do not remain alone when you are feeling suicidal. If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. Set up a suicide support system with people who can spot your mood swings even before you do, and will take action to keep you safe. Make a pact that you will contact them when you are feeling suicidal. If you don't have friends who can do this, try to locate a depression support group at a hospital or clinic.
  8. Use your local crisis hotline as a resource. Their job is to support you through your struggle, one day at a time.
  9. Regulate anything in your environment that may be used to harm you. Flush old medications down the toilet, keeping only small quantities of those you take regularly. Dispose of all firearms you have, or give them to a support person for safekeeping.
Finally, remember, people do get through this, even when they feel as bad as you do right now. Here is a passage from Kathy Cronkite's At the Edge of Darkness that was very helpful in restoring my hope.
Part of the anxiety and dread of depression is that "storm in the brain" that blocks out all possibility of sunlight. In the depths of despair that by definition murders faith, courage may have to suffice. Keep slogging. Even if you don't believe it at the moment, remind yourself of the existence of good. Reassure yourself: "Once I enjoyed 'X,' I will again." The disease may have turned off the spigot of love, but it will come back."

Taken from: http://www.healingfromdepression.com/suicidal.htm


"..how do we help suicidal people fight against the despair and hopelessness that make them want to reject life? We have to understand their pain and what ending their life means to them, in order to help. If we rush to tell them how wonderful life is when all they know is deep despair, we may add to their feeling that no one understands the depth of their pain. This is a risk that we don't want to take.
Most of us are afraid of opening up the topic of suicide with depressed people, because we think that if we entertain the topic we are giving them permission to take their life. We also don't want to shame and embarrass them. Even therapists often feel this, even though it's our job to bring up this difficult subject matter with our patients.

Whether you are a therapist, a friend, or a loved one of someone who may be contemplating suicide, we all have to appreciate the meaning of the suicidal act in order to understand it, so that we are not afraid to have such discussions. I open up this difficult subject matter with you today, so that you understand what suicide is really all about and how you may help a loved one who is contemplating suicide. Understanding is the best way to reach a suicidal person and help him or her to continue living.

What is Suicide?

An Attempt To Solve A Problem

Suicide is a senseless act to those who wish to live. But, death as an option to one's problems makes sense to the suicidal person. The thought of suicide occurs most often when a person feels they have run out of solutions to problems that seem inescapable, intolerably painful, and never-ending. It may be a physical or mental illness that deteriorates the body or mind, as in Lou Gehrig's disease or Bipolar disorder. Or, it may result from the death or suicide of a loved one. Perhaps, it's a downward spiral from money woes and a devastating change in lifestyle. For some, public disgrace or humiliation makes it intolerable to go on living; while, for others, the intolerable condition may result from the post-traumatic stress of military combat, homicide, rape, or imprisonment.

No matter the situation that brings a person to contemplate death, there's one thing that suicidal people share in common; they cannot love life, right now. They have experienced a basic and comprehensive breakdown in their values, way of living, self-esteem, and ability to make sense of life and to give it meaning that restores their hope and the will to live.

We are hard-wired to survive, to fight in times of stress and threat, so suicide feels so wrong to us. The suicidal person has fallen to the other side of this evolutionary fight for survival. They have chosen to flee, through death.

It doesn't matter how we'd respond, or how severe the circumstances seem to us, suicidal people cannot love life or find meaning in it, in their deteriorated mental state. Nonetheless, it's important for us to know that they do not really want to die; they just want a way out from their suffering. Suicide seems like the only way out.."

Taken from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/the-edge-suicide


"If you are reading this because you are having suicidal thoughts, try to ask someone for help. It may be difficult at this time, but it's important to know you are not beyond help and you are not alone.
Talking to someone can help you see beyond feelings of loneliness or despair and help you realise there are options.
There are people who want to talk to you and who want to help. Try talking to a family member or friend about how you are feeling.
There are several telephone helplines you can call at any time of the day or night. You can speak to someone who understands how you are feeling and can help you through the immediate crisis.

Helplines and support groups

  • Samaritans (08457 90 90 90) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you are feeling, or if you are worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans atjo@samaritans.org.
  • Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number will not show up on your phone bill.
  • PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation that supports teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
  • Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It does not have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
  • Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
  • Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.

Help for young men

Men may be more likely to avoid or ignore problems and many are reluctant to talk about their feelings or seek help when they need it.
A support group called the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is an excellent resource for young men who are feeling unhappy. As well as the website, CALM also has a helpline (0800 58 58 58).

Talking to someone you trust

If you do not want to speak to someone on a helpline, you could talk to:
  • a member of your family, a friend or someone you trust, such as a teacher
  • your GP, a mental healthcare professional or another healthcare professional
  • a minister, priest or other type of religious leader

Seeing your GP

It would also help to see your GP. They can advise you about appropriate treatment if they think you have a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety.
Your GP may be able to help you with access to talking therapies. Talking therapies, such as counselling andcognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), are often used to help people who have suicidal thoughts and usually involve talking about your feelings with a professional.
Taken from: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx


More information can be found here:
http://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find_help.html
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
http://www.papyrus-uk.org/


Wednesday 19 March 2014

street harassment


The following post is written by Leah Pickett taken from: http://www.chicagopublicradio.org/blogs/leah-pickett/2013-10/standing-street-harassment-108847


"Standing up to street harassment

Every day, women (and men) are harassed, followed and publicly objectified on city streets.


Harassment shows its ugly face in many forms: a bully at school, an abuser at home, an underminer in the workplace, or an army of trolls online.
However, perhaps no form of harassment is more overt or troublingly common than catcalling: the whistles and kiss noises, the staccato beeps of car horns, the whispered or shouted evaluations of someone's physical appearance on the sidewalk, and the many other forms of street harassment (stalking, groping, leering, etc.) that women continually receive in public spaces, often on a daily basis.
I have experienced public objectification—whether it be whistle and a wink, a double tap of a car horn, or an unwelcome comment on my body that sends a tiny shiver down my spine—every single time that I go out walking in Chicago.
It doesn't matter which neighborhood I'm in, whether I have makeup on or not, if I'm wearing a miniskirt or a baggy sweatshirt and jeans.
Without fail, a complete stranger (usually a man or group of men, although women in their company have occasionally joined in) will take the time out of their day to put me in my place as a woman magnified through the lens of rape culture: a female specimen to be ogled, disrespected, and dehumanized as nothing but an object of their gaze. 
Most of the time, I ignore them and keep walking; because isn't that what you're supposed to do? Other instances break the straw holding together an already fragile day, and I want to hide or scream or cry. I want to yell back that my body is not theirs to claim, that I'm more than just a piece of meat to be verbally chewed and torn apart for sport.
My look is more skinny nerdgirl than glamazon; but even if I did choose to wear high heels and skintight dresses every day, I still wouldn't deserve the "Hey, sexy" and "Mmm, lookin' good" whispers, smacking of lips, and anonymous shouts from rolled-down windows, often followed by nervous laughter from passersby.
I am not alone in this. When I reached out to others on Twitter, asking if they would be willing to share their stories of street harassment, they responded with tweets of "too many stories!" and "I feel like every woman in a city like Chicago has more than one experience to share."
Do we have to stand by and take this kind of harassment from strangers, watch it happen to others without saying a word, or "just ignore it" like many of us have often been told? The answer is no; you shouldn't have to shut up and take it. You deserve to walk down the street without being harassed by strangers. You deserve to stand your ground, and it's okay to ask for help. 
Renee Davidson, Communications Director of the grassroots group Collective Action for Safe Spaces (CASS), says that she has received over 600 stories of street harassment in the D.C. metropolitan area.
"Our submissions are overwhelming from women, but men -- particularly LGBT and gender nonconforming men -- experience street harassment as well," says Davidson, " Women and men can take a stand against this by speaking up when they’re harassed, whether that means responding to the harasser, sharing their story with a group like CASS or Hollaback, or starting a conversation about street harassment with their friends and the men in their lives."
"Street harassment is also intensely normalized, such that being told to 'brush it off' has caused many women to accept it as just another part of moving in public. By speaking up about our experiences with street harassment, we are letting it be known that it's a problem."
Yes, men also face sexual harassment from strangers on street corners, and their experiences matter just as much. But when stories of male-on-female aggression pop up again and again, like this piece from the Huffington Post about a man running over a 14-year-old girl for refusing to have sex with him, it's time to dig deeper into what's perpetuating this chronic narrative. And then we should actually do something about it. 
Just as we should be educating men to not rape (instead of simply teaching women how to avoid rapey situations), we should also teach boys from a very young age that catcalling is degrading, hurtful, and harmful to the fabric of our society. Street harassment fuels rape culture, "blurring lines" to the point that many women can no longer tell the difference between a compliment and objectification. Leering at women on the street and hollering pointed comments about their bodies is the furthest thing from respectable behavior; it's blatant misogyny and patriarchy incarnate.
"Learning tips on bystander intervention is also a great way to help prevent sexual harassment," adds Davidson, "If you encounter someone street harassing another person, you can tell them to 'respect women' or any other interjection that feels natural for you."
We don't have to keep our mouths shut. We don't have to grin and bear it. No one deserves to be harassed on the way to the grocery store or while walking home at night, and it's time for us to start talking back.
Resources for education, inspiration and support: StopStreetHarassment.org,CollectiveActionDC.orgCatcalled.org, this Atlantic article on a new app to help women and members of the LGBTQ community report street harassment, the "Stop Telling Woman to Smile"project, and HollabackChicago!, an anti-harassment forum for Chicagoans. 
If you have a street harassment story to share, please sound off in the comment section below. Let's start talking."

z e n

Image by: Peter Cutler

The following post is taken from: http://zenhabits.net/meditation-for-beginners-20-practical-tips-for-quieting-the-mind/

Meditation is the art of focusing 100% of your attention in one area. The practice comes with a myriad of well-publicized health benefits including increased concentration, decreased anxiety, and a general feeling of happiness.
Although a great number of people try meditation at some point in their lives, a small percentage actually stick with it for the long-term. This is unfortunate, and a possible reason is that many beginners do not begin with a mindset needed to make the practice sustainable.
The purpose of this article is to provide 20 practical recommendations to help beginners get past the initial hurdles and integrate meditation over the long term:
1) Make it a formal practice. You will only get to the next level in meditation by setting aside specific time (preferably two times a day) to be still.
2) Start with the breath. Breathing deep slows the heart rate, relaxes the muscles, focuses the mind and is an ideal way to begin practice.

3) Stretch first. Stretching loosens the muscles and tendons allowing you to sit (or lie) more comfortably. Additionally, stretching starts the process of “going inward” and brings added attention to the body.
4) Meditate with Purpose. Beginners must understand that meditation is an ACTIVE process. The art of focusing your attention to a single point is hard work, and you have to be purposefully engaged!
5) Notice frustration creep up on you. This is very common for beginners as we think “hey, what am I doing here” or “why can’t I just quiet my damn mind already”. When this happens, really focus in on your breath and let the frustrated feelings go.
6) Experiment. Although many of us think of effective meditation as a Yogi sitting cross-legged beneath a Bonzi tree, beginners should be more experimental and try different types of meditation. Try sitting, lying, eyes open, eyes closed, etc.
7) Feel your body parts. A great practice for beginning meditators is to take notice of the body when a meditative state starts to take hold. Once the mind quiets, put all your attention to the feet and then slowly move your way up the body (include your internal organs). This is very healthy and an indicator that you are on the right path.
8) Pick a specific room in your home to meditate. Make sure it is not the same room where you do work, exercise, or sleep. Place candles and other spiritual paraphernalia in the room to help you feel at ease.
9) Read a book (or two) on meditation. Preferably an instructional guide AND one that describes the benefits of deep meditative states. This will get you motivated. John Kabat-Zinn’s Wherever You Go, There You Are is terrific for beginners.
10) Commit for the long haul. Meditation is a life-long practice, and you will benefit most by NOT examining the results of your daily practice. Just do the best you can every day, and then let it go!
11) Listen to instructional tapes and CDs.
12) Generate moments of awareness during the day. Finding your breath and “being present” while not in formal practice is a wonderful way to evolve your meditation habits.
13) Make sure you will not be disturbed. One of the biggest mistakes beginners make is not insuring peaceful practice conditions. If you have it in the back of your mind that the phone might ring, your kids might wake, or your coffee pot might whistle than you will not be able to attain a state of deep relaxation.
14) Notice small adjustments. For beginning meditators, the slightest physical movements can transform a meditative practice from one of frustration to one of renewal. These adjustments may be barely noticeable to an observer, but they can mean everything for your practice.
15) Use a candle. Meditating with eyes closed can be challenging for a beginner. Lighting a candle and using it as your point of focus allows you to strengthen your attention with a visual cue. This can be very powerful.
16) Do NOT Stress. This may be the most important tip for beginners, and the hardest to implement. No matter what happens during your meditation practice, do not stress about it. This includes being nervous before meditating and angry afterwards. Meditation is what it is, and just do the best you can at the time.
17) Do it together. Meditating with a partner or loved one can have many wonderful benefits, and can improve your practice. However, it is necessary to make sure that you set agreed-upon ground rules before you begin!
18) Meditate early in the morning. Without a doubt, early morning is an ideal
time to practice: it is quieter, your mind is not filled with the usual clutter, and there is less chance you will be disturbed. Make it a habit to get up half an hour earlier to meditate.
19) Be Grateful at the end. Once your practice is through, spend 2-3 minutes feeling appreciative of the opportunity to practice and your mind’s ability to focus.
20) Notice when your interest in meditation begins to wane. Meditation is
hard work, and you will inevitably come to a point where it seemingly does not fit into the picture anymore. THIS is when you need your practice the most and I recommend you go back to the book(s) or the CD’s you listened to and become re-invigorated with the practice. Chances are that losing the ability to focus on meditation is parallel with your inability to focus in other areas of your life!
Meditation is an absolutely wonderful practice, but can be very difficult in the beginning. Use the tips described in this article to get your practice to the next level!

For more information on meditation and ways to reduce anxiety see these links: 
http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate-for-Beginners
http://www.anxieties.com/133/gad-step2c#.Uyl2Q_l_t1Y
http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/meditation-for-beginners.aspx
http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/meditation-for-anxiety.aspx
http://www.tm.org/resource-pages/86-eat-meditate-exercise
http://www.freemeditation.com/meditation-basics/meditation-tips-for-beginners/
http://stopandbreathe.com/2011/03/04/meditation-101-a-10-step-beginners-guide/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-to-reduce-anxiety-right-here-right-now/00017762
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Relieve-Anxiety

Sunday 16 March 2014

self-harm



WARNING: the following post may be triggering for some.


What is self-harm?


Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, old memories, or overwhelming situations and experiences. The ways you hurt yourself can be physical, such as cutting yourself. They can also be less obvious, such as putting yourself in risky situations, or not looking after your own physical or emotional needs.
Ways of self-harming can include:
  • cutting yourself
  • poisoning yourself
  • over-eating or under-eating
  • burning your skin
  • inserting objects into your body
  • hitting yourself or walls
  • overdosing
  • exercising excessively
  • scratching and hair pulling.
After self-harming, you might feel better and more able to cope for a while. However, self-harm can bring up very difficult feelings and could make you feel worse.
If you self-harm, you may feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. You might be worried that other people will judge you or pressurise you to stop if you tell them about it. This may mean that you keep your selfharming a secret. This is a very common reaction, although not everyone does this.

Why do people harm themselves?

There are no fixed rules about why people self-harm. For some people, it can be linked to specific experiences, and be a way of dealing with something that is happening now, or that happened in the past. For others, it is less clear. If you don’t understand the reasons for your selfharm, it’s important to remind yourself that this is OK, and you don’t need
to know this in order to ask for help.
Any difficult experience can cause someone to self-harm. Common causes include:
  • pressures at school or work
  • bullying
  • money worries
  • sexual, physical or emotional abuse
  • bereavement
  • confusion about your sexuality
  • breakdown of relationships
  • an illness or health problem
  • difficult feelings, such as depression, anxiety, anger or numbness, experienced as part of a mental health problem.
Some people have also described self-harm as a way to:
  • express something that is hard to put into words
  • make experiences, thoughts or feelings that feel invisible into something visible
  • change emotional pain into physical pain
  • reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
  • have a sense of being in control
  • escape traumatic memories
  • stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated (see dissociative disorders)
  • create a reason to physically care for yourself
  • express suicidal feelings and thoughts without taking your own life
  • communicate to other people that you are experiencing severe distress.
Sometimes people talk about self-harm as attention-seeking. If people make comments like this, it can leave you feeling judged and alienated. In reality, most people keep their self-harm private, and it can feel very painful to have your behaviour misunderstood in this way.
If you do self-harm as a way of bringing attention to yourself, remember that you deserve a respectful response from those around you, including from medical professionals.

How can I help myself?

If you are thinking about stopping or reducing your self-harm, finding ways of helping yourself can feel very empowering.
This section gives some ideas for things you can do to support yourself better. Some can be done when you feel like self-harming. Others can be done at any time. You may need to try a few to find out what works for you. These techniques may be helpful on their own, or alongside professional help. (See ‘What treatment and support is available?’)
There is no magic solution or quick fix for self-harm, and making changes can take time and involve periods of difficulty. It is common to make some progress and then get back into old behaviours again. If this happens to you, remind yourself that it's not failing – it is simply part of the process.
If you do not feel able to stop self-harming completely, it is important to be honest with yourself and consider what else you can do that would feel helpful. For example, you may be able to work towards reducing or stopping your self-harm in the future, even if you find it too difficult to stop self-harming immediately.

Work out your patterns of self-harm

It may be that things happen so fast, it feels impossible to realise you have an urge to self-harm before you find that you are hurting yourself.
Keeping a diary of what happens before, during and after each time you self-harm, can help you work out what gives you the urge to self-harm, and recognise when the urge is coming on. It is helpful to do this over a period of time – maybe a month – so that you start to see patterns.

Learn to recognise triggers

Your triggers are the things that give you the urge to hurt yourself. This could be anything from people, situations, anniversaries, certain times of the day, physical sensations or particular thoughts or feelings.
In your diary, note down what was happening before you last self-harmed.Did you have a particular thought? Did you have an argument? Did you have to see someone you don’t like? Did a situation or object remind you of something difficult?
This can be quite an intense experience and bring up difficult feelings and emotions. If you feel confident to try this on your own, make sure you do something relaxing or enjoyable afterwards. If you find doing this distressing, you may want to ask for support from a trusted friend, family member, or professional. (See ‘What treatment and support is available?’ for more information.)

Learn to recognise urges

The next step is to identify how you experience the urge to self-harm. Urges come in lots of different ways and may be different for you at different times.

Urges can include:

  • physical sensations, such as a racing heart, nausea, or very shallow breath
  • feelings of heaviness, fogginess or blackness
  • disconnecting with yourself, such as feeling like you are outside of your own body or losing all feelings of sensation
  • strong emotions, like sadness, fear, despair or rage
  • specific thoughts, such as 'hurt' or 'I'm going to cut'
  • making decisions that you know aren't good for you, for example by excessive working or exercising rather than experiencing your feelings.
for the full article, including more advice on self-harm and how to help yourself or someone you know visit: 

 http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/how-can-i-help-myself/#.UyWMDfl_t1Y


more advice and information on self-harm can be found in the following links: 

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Self-injury/Pages/Introduction.aspx

http://selfharm.co.uk/home

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

http://www.liberonetwork.com/anxiety-and-anorexia-as-self-harm
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_children_young_people/whats_worrying_you/self-harm