ptsd and addiction

One of the most emotionally debilitating mental disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder causes intense anxiety, intrusive memories and nightmarish flashbacks that interfere with daily life. Many individuals with PTSD will turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to numb their pain or to gain some measure of control in their lives. Chronic substance abuse creates a complicated Dual Diagnosis, or the co-existence of a serious psychiatric disorder and an addictive disorder. 

The symptoms of PTSD can be divided into three general categories: 1) re-experiencing the traumatic incident, 2) avoiding experiences that evoke memories of the incident, and 3) symptoms of hyperarousal, such as irritability, anger or extreme anxiety. People who experience these symptoms for at least one month may be diagnosed with PTSD. Alcoholism and drug abuse fall into the category of avoidance symptoms, as the individual may use these chemicals to avoid memories or to numb fear.

When alcohol or drugs are used to manage PTSD symptoms, the symptoms of the disorder only become more severe. As a central nervous system depressant, alcohol can worsen depression and anxiety and interfere with normal sleep patterns. Under the influence of alcohol, someone with PTSD is more likely to engage in risk-taking behavior, such as driving under the influence, or to engage in an altercation with someone else.

The symptoms or PTSD can be extremely distressing. Because they much such a great amount of stress on the individual, many with PTSD will be unable to cope and turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape. This self-medication has led to very high percentages of PTSD suffers with alcohol dependence (over 50 percent) and drug dependence (over 30 percent).

Endorphin withdrawal plays a part in the use of alcohol or drugs to control PTSD. When an individual experiences a traumatic event, his or her brain produces endorphins — neurotransmitters that reduce pain and create a sense of well-being — as a way of coping with the stress of the moment. When the event is over, the body experiences an endorphin withdrawal, which has some of the same symptoms as withdrawal from drugs or alcohol:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Emotional distress
• Physical pain
• Increased cravings for alcohol or drugs

According to Alcohol Research & Health, many of those with PTSD will turn to alcohol as a means of replacing the feelings brought on by the brain’s naturally produced endorphins. But the positive effects of alcohol are only temporary.

With increased use of alcohol, the individual can become chemically dependent on the drug. He or she will need more alcohol or drugs to produce those numbing effects. Eventually, dependence can turn into addiction, which is characterized by compulsive use of the substance, tolerance to the drug and an insistence on abusing the drug in spite of its devastating effects.

Source: http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-addiction/

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Addiction is a complex disorder characterized by compulsive drug use. While each drug produces different physical effects, all abused substances share one thing in common: repeated use can alter the way the brain looks and functions.

• Taking a recreational drug causes a surge in levels of dopamine in your brain, which trigger feelings of pleasure. Your brain remembers these feelings and wants them repeated.
• If you become addicted, the substance takes on the same significance as other survival behaviors, such as eating and drinking.
• Changes in your brain interfere with your ability to think clearly, exercise good judgment, control your behavior, and feel normal without drugs.
• Whether you’re addicted to inhalants, heroin, Xanax, speed, or Vicodin, the uncontrollable craving to use grows more important than anything else, including family, friends, career, and even your own health and happiness.
• The urge to use is so strong that your mind finds many ways to deny or rationalize the addiction. You may drastically underestimate the quantity of drugs you’re taking, how much it impacts your life, and the level of control you have over your drug use.

People who experiment with drugs continue to use them because the substance either makes them feel good, or stops them from feeling bad. In many cases, however, there is a fine line between regular use and drug abuse and addiction. Very few addicts are able to recognize when they have crossed that line. While frequency or the amount of drugs consumed don’t in themselves constitute drug abuse or addiction, they can often be indicators of drug-related problems.

• Problems can sometimes sneak up on you, as your drug use gradually increases over time. Smoking a joint with friends at the weekend, or taking ecstasy at a rave, or cocaine at an occasional party, for example, can change to using drugs a couple of days a week, then every day. Gradually, getting and using the drug becomes more and more important to you.
• If the drug fulfills a valuable need, you may find yourself increasingly relying on it. For example, you may take drugs to calm you if you feel anxious or stressed, energize you if you feel depressed, or make you more confident in social situations if you normally feel shy. Or you may have started using prescription drugs to cope with panic attacks or relieve chronic pain, for example. Until you find alternative, healthier methods for overcoming these problems, your drug use will likely continue.
• Similarly, if you use drugs to fill a void in your life, you’re more at risk of crossing the line from casual use to drug abuse and addiction. To maintain healthy balance in your life, you need to have other positive experiences, to feel good in your life aside from any drug use.
• As drug abuse takes hold, you may miss or frequently be late for work or school, your job performance may progressively deteriorate, and you start to neglect social or family obligations. Your ability to stop using is eventually compromised. What began as a voluntary choice has turned into a physical and psychological need.

The good news is that with the right treatment and support, you can counteract the disruptive effects of drug use and regain control of your life. The first obstacle is to recognize and admit you have a problem, or listen to loved ones who are often better able to see the negative effects drug use is having on your life.

5 Myths about Drug Abuse and Addiction

MYTH 1: Overcoming addiction is a simply a matter of willpower. You can stop using drugs if you really want to. Prolonged exposure to drugs alters the brain in ways that result in powerful cravings and a compulsion to use. These brain changes make it extremely difficult to quit by sheer force of will.

MYTH 2: Addiction is a disease; there’s nothing you can do about it. Most experts agree that addiction is a brain disease, but that doesn’t mean you’re a helpless victim. The brain changes associated with addiction can be treated and reversed through therapy, medication, exercise, and other treatments.

MYTH 3: Addicts have to hit rock bottom before they can get better. Recovery can begin at any point in the addiction process—and the earlier, the better. The longer drug abuse continues, the stronger the addiction becomes and the harder it is to treat. Don’t wait to intervene until the addict has lost it all.

MYTH 4: You can’t force someone into treatment; they have to want help. Treatment doesn’t have to be voluntary to be successful. People who are pressured into treatment by their family, employer, or the legal system are just as likely to benefit as those who choose to enter treatment on their own. As they sober up and their thinking clears, many formerly resistant addicts decide they want to change.

MYTH 5: Treatment didn’t work before, so there’s no point trying again. Recovery from drug addiction is a long process that often involves setbacks. Relapse doesn’t mean that treatment has failed or that you’re a lost cause. Rather, it’s a signal to get back on track, either by going back to treatment or adjusting the treatment approach.

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_treatment.htm

For advice and information on substance abuse please see the following links: 

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/drugs/Pages/Drugtreatment.aspx
http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/addiction/Pages/addictionhome.aspx

http://www.actiononaddiction.org.uk/Home.aspx

http://www.talktofrank.com/

http://www.addaction.org.uk/

r e l a x

Image: Robert Postma

Stress is necessary for life. You need stress for creativity, learning, and your very survival. Stress is only harmful when it becomes overwhelming and interrupts the healthy state of equilibrium that your nervous system needs to remain in balance. Unfortunately, overwhelming stress has become an increasingly common characteristic of contemporary life. When stressors throw your nervous system out of balance, relaxation techniques can bring it back into a balanced state by producing the relaxation response, a state of deep calmness that is the polar opposite of the stress response.

When stress overwhelms your nervous system your body is flooded with chemicals that prepare you for "fight or flight." While the stress response can be lifesaving in emergency situations where you need to act quickly, it wears your body down when constantly activated by the stresses of everyday life. The relaxation response puts the brakes on this heightened state of readiness and brings your body and mind back into a state of equilibrium.

Producing the relaxation response

A variety of different relaxation techniques can help you bring your nervous system back into balance by producing the relaxation response. The relaxation response is not lying on the couch or sleeping but a mentally active process that leaves the body relaxed, calm, and focused.

Learning the basics of these relaxation techniques isn’t difficult, but it does take practice. Most stress experts recommend setting aside at least 10 to 20 minutes a day for your relaxation practice. If you’d like to get even more stress relief, aim for 30 minutes to an hour. If that sounds like a daunting commitment, remember that many of these techniques can be incorporated into your existing daily schedule—practiced at your desk over lunch or on the bus during your morning commute.

Finding the relaxation technique that’s best for you

There is no single relaxation technique that is best for everyone. When choosing a relaxation technique, consider your specific needs, preferences, fitness level, and the way you tend to react to stress. The right relaxation technique is the one that resonates with you, fits your lifestyle, and is able to focus your mind and interrupt your everyday thoughts in order to elicit the relaxation response. In many cases, you may find that alternating or combining different techniques will keep you motivated and provide you with the best results.

source/ more information: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

Relaxed breathing

Practise deep breathing at a regular time and in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Loosen or remove any tight clothes you have on, such as shoes or jackets. Make yourself feel completely comfortable.

Sit in a comfy chair which supports your head or lie on the floor or a bed. Place your arms on the chair arms, or flat on the floor or bed, a little bit away from the side of your body with the palms up. If you’re lying down, stretch out your legs, keeping them hip-width apart or slightly wider. If you’re sitting in a chair, don’t cross your legs.
Good relaxation always starts with focusing on your breathing. The way to do it is to breathe in and out slowly and in a regular rhythm as this will help you to calm down.

Fill up the whole of your lungs with air, without forcing. Imagine you're filling up a bottle, so that your lungs fill from the bottom.

• Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
• Breathe in slowly and regularly counting from one to five (don’t worry if you can’t reach five at first).
• Then let the breath escape slowly, counting from one to five.
• Keep doing this until you feel calm. Breathe without pausing or holding your breath.

Practise this relaxed breathing for three to five minutes, two to three times a day (or whenever you feel stressed).

Deep muscle relaxation

This technique takes around 20 minutes. It stretches different muscles in turn and then relaxes them, to release tension from the body and relax your mind.

Find a warm, quiet place with no distractions. Get completely comfortable, either sitting or lying down. Close your eyes and begin by focusing on your breathing; breathing slowly and deeply, as described above.

If you have pain in certain muscles, or if there are muscles that you find it difficult to focus on, spend more time on relaxing other parts.

You may want to play some soothing music to help relaxation. As with all relaxation techniques, deep muscle relaxation will require a bit of practice before you start feeling its benefits.

For each exercise, hold the stretch for a few seconds, then relax. Repeat it a couple of times. It’s useful to keep to the same order as you work through the muscle groups:

• Face: push the eyebrows together, as though frowning, then release.
• Neck: gently tilt the head forwards, pushing chin down towards chest, then slowly lift again.
• Shoulders: pull them up towards the ears (shrug), then relax them down towards the feet.
• Chest: breathe slowly and deeply into the diaphragm (below your bottom rib) so that you're using the whole of the lungs. Then breathe slowly out, allowing the belly to deflate as all the air is exhaled.
• Arms: stretch the arms away from the body, reach, then relax.
• Legs: push the toes away from the body, then pull them towards body, then relax.
• Wrists and hands: stretch the wrist by pulling the hand up towards you, and stretch out the fingers and thumbs, then relax.

Spend some time lying quietly after your relaxation with your eyes closed. When you feel ready, stretch and get up slowly.

for more tips on how to de-stress see:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/blissing-out-10-relaxation-techniques-reduce-stress-spot

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/reduce-stress.aspx

a n x i e t y after trauma

Fear and Anxiety

Fear and anxiety are two immediate reactions to a traumatic life-threatening event when your sense of control has disappeared. Your perception about safety, sense of the world you live in, and your beliefs about life are all questioned and the ground you walk on no longer feels solid. You may find yourself easily startled, overly alert, and generally feeling jittery. As a result of your experience, you now believe the world is not safe and your body is on steady alert. You may also find yourself thinking negative thoughts about people and life events and generalize these thoughts into a belief that you “cannot trust anyone” or “the world is a dangerous place.” Maybe you start thinking: “I can’t trust myself. I can’t cope with anything. I’m just weak and stupid.” 

Source: http://www.niu.edu/facdev/resources/crisis/fear.shtml

The 'fight or flight' reflex

Anxiety and fear can protect you from danger. When you feel under threat, anxiety and fear trigger the release of hormones, such as adrenalin. Adrenalin causes your heart to beat faster to carry blood  where it's most needed. You breathe faster to provide the extra oxygen required for energy. You sweat to prevent overheating. Your mouth may feel dry, as your digestive system slows down to allow more blood to be sent to your muscles. Your senses become heightened and your brain becomes more alert.

These changes make your body able to take action and protect you in a  dangerous situation either by running away or fighting. It is known as the 'fight or flight' reflex. Once the danger has passed, other hormones are released, which may cause you to shake as your muscles start to relax.

This response is useful for protecting you against physical dangers; for example, it can help you run away from wild animals, attackers, fires etc   very quickly. The response is not so useful if you want to run away from exams, public speaking, a driving test, or having an injection. This is because, if there is no physical threat, and you have no need to physically run away or fight, the effects of adrenaline subside more slowly, and you may go on feeling agitated for a long time.

Severe anxiety

If the anxiety stays at a high level for a long time, you may feel that it is difficult to deal with everyday life. The anxiety may become severe; you may feel powerless, out of control, as if you are about to die or go mad. Sometimes, if the feelings of fear overwhelm you, you may experience a panic attack.

What is a panic attack?

A panic attack is an exaggeration of the body’s normal response to fear, stress or excitement. It is the rapid build-up of overwhelming sensations, such as a pounding heartbeat, feeling faint, sweating, nausea, chest pains, breathing discomfort, feelings of losing control, shaky limbs and legs turning to jelly. If you experience this, you may fear that you are going mad, blacking out, or having a heart attack. You may be convinced you are going to die in the course of the attack – making this a terrifying experience.

Panic attacks come on very quickly, symptoms usually peaking within 10 minutes. Most panic attacks last for between 5 and 20 minutes. Some people report attacks lasting for up to an hour, but they are likely to be  experiencing one attack after another, or a high level of anxiety after  the initial attack. You may have one or two panic attacks and never  experience another. Or you may have attacks once a month or several  times each week. For some people they seem to come without warning  and strike at random.

Panic attacks can also come in the night and wake you up. These nighttime attacks occur if your brain is on 'high alert' (due to anxiety) and can detect small changes in your body which it then interprets as a sign of danger. Night-time attacks may be particularly frightening, as you may feel confused and are helpless to do anything to spot them coming.

Why do some people feel more anxious than others?

If you worry more than others, it could be because of your personality, current circumstances or your past or childhood experience; it could be a  mixture of these.

Past experiences

If something distressing happened to you in the past, and you were unable to deal with your emotions at the time, you may become anxious  about facing similar situations again in case they stir up the same feelings of distress.

Feeling anxious could also be something you learned early on in life; for example, your family may have tended to see the world as hostile and dangerous and you’ve learned to respond in the same way.

Some theories suggest that you may inherit a tendency to be more anxious, and so it is a part of your personality.

Everyday life and habits

On a day-to-day basis, caffeine, excess sugar, poor diet, drug misuse, exhaustion, stress and the side effects of certain medication can also mimic and trigger symptoms of anxiety.

Fear of losing control

You may worry about the future. Sometimes, if you feel you are not in control of many aspects of your life, you can start to feel anxious about events beyond your control, such as the threat of global warming, of  being attacked, of developing cancer, or of losing a job. 

After a while, you can start to fear the symptoms of anxiety, especially feeling out of control. This sets up a vicious circle. You may feel anxious because you dread feeling the symptoms of anxiety, and then you experience those symptoms because you are having anxious thoughts.

What are the effects of anxiety?

Anxiety can have an effect on both your body and your mind.

Physical effects

Short-term effects:

• Increased muscular tension can cause discomfort and headaches
• Rapid breathing may make you feel light-headed and shaky, and give you pins and needles.
• Rising blood pressure can make you more aware of a pounding heart. 
• Changes in the blood supply to your digestive system may cause nausea and sickness.   
• You may feel an urgent need to visit the toilet, and get 'butterflies' in your stomach.                   

Long-term effects:

• Fear combined with tension and lack of sleep can weaken your immune system, lowering your resistance to infection.
• You may experience digestive difficulties.
• You may also feel depressed. (See Depression)

Psychological effects

Anxiety can make you more fearful, alert, on edge, irritable, and unable to relax or concentrate. You may feel an overwhelming desire to seek the reassurance of others, to be weepy and dependent. 

The way you think can be affected: if you fear that the worst is going to happen, you may start to see everything negatively and become very pessimistic. For example, if a friend is late, you may imagine and worry  that he or she has had an accident or doesn’t want to see you; even though your friend may simply be late because their train was delayed.

To cope with these feelings and sensations, you may feel tempted to start smoking or drinking too much, or misusing drugs. You may hold on to relationships that either encourage your anxious outlook or help you avoid situations you find distressing – and so stop you dealing with what’s worrying you.

Impact on work, leisure and relationships

If your anxiety is severe, you may find it difficult to hold down a job, develop or maintain good relationships, or simply to enjoy leisure time. Sleep problems may make your anxious feelings even worse and reduce your ability to cope. 

For some people, anxiety becomes so overwhelming that it takes over their lives. They may experience severe or very frequent panic attacks for no apparent reason, or have a persistent 'free-floating' sense of anxiety. Some people may develop a phobia about going out, or may withdraw from contact with people – even their family and friends. Others have obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviour, such as endlessly washing their hands.

Source: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.UyL7YfnV8qc

For more information, advice and tips about how to manage anxiety please visit: 

http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/helping-yourself/#.UyL7LfnV8qc

http://counselling.anu.edu.au/brochure/10-best-ever-anxiety-management-techniques

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/overcoming-fears.aspx

http://www.thecalmzone.net/

http://www.inspiralyogatherapy.co.uk/pages/conditions-that-benefit-from-yoga-therapy/anxiety.php

http://www.anxietybc.com/resources/anxiety.php

http://www.adaa.org/

emotional abuse

picture: mini zilla on deviantart

The following information is taken from http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/

WARNING: the content of this post may be triggering for some.

Subtly Controlling Behavior

The following behaviors are present in both abusive relationships, and also 'merely' unsatisfying relationships. Alone, they are probably insufficient to constitute an abusive relationship. However, combined with stronger actual or threatened behaviors, they may complete the web of control. To recognize abuse, it is helpful to understand all aspects of control. Misusing people includes both controlling and exploitative strategies. While it has been tempting to include 'merely' exploitative strategies, they have been left out to keep the focus on the way control works.

Ingratiating Behavior: Most people have a habit of being nice for casual interaction. When it is conspicuously overdone, however, it is meant to create a sense of obligation or guilt, and block confrontation, since that would make the confronter conspicuously “not-nice.”

Never Being Understood: Good listening and good communication, especially during a conflict, relies heavily on the act of paraphrasing or repeating what the other person has said. Counselors are taught this on day one, and all good listeners come to it intuitively. One controlling habit, however, is to refuse to acknowledge that someone has "gotten it', no matter how carefully the listener has refined his or her statements. In fact, complaints sometimes seem to reverse themselves to keep one step ahead of the listener's understanding. This can be a defense against anxiety, but when employed by an aggressively critical person is probably best understood as controlling.

Silent Treatment: Everyone wants to feel on good terms and in harmony with those around them. Any small factual or everyday communication can also serve to confirm relations are okay, or if there is a problem, define the extent of the problem. Silent treatment functions to keep the recipient in suspense of what will happen, and unsure of ‘what they did wrong’, and 'how bad it is.' This keeps others unable to attend to their own business but also unable to fix the problem. Usually they end up trying to cater to the silent person anyway possible, just so things can 'get back to normal.'.

Expecting Mind Reading: This involves acting unhappy until others guess what they want. It has the dual advantage of getting what they want, and being able to plausibly deny that they wanted it. This makes it almost impossible to address the appropriateness of what is wanted, yet the pressure is still felt.

Defining Problems: There is an instinctive urge to address and not disregard a communication from others that there is a problem. If this is constant , however, we are kept busy defending or answering the issue, and our own concerns never get a hearing. It is always possible and always easy to pick a part competent or even excellent work. (While it is many many times more difficult to do such work).

Asking Questions: There is an instinctive urge to answer questions, so asking questions, even seeming innocuous ones, is a powerful situational tool for controlling a situation. The person asking the questions controls the situation. Police and corrections officers are all taught this. Asking questions when one already knows the answer works the same. Sometimes, questions are deliberately chosen that will embarrass or put the person asked in a bad light.

Excessive Talking. It is natural and instinctive to pay attention to someone that is talking. Whatever a person is saying, it will be hard to ignore them, especially face to face. There is even a social norm that not listening is 'rude.' A person that talks excessively, however, keeps attention on themselves, keeps bystanders away from other tasks and their own needs, and most importantly, keeps bystanders away from a quiet awareness of their own state.

Never Agreeing: This is similar to never being understood. A tell-tale sign is that the difficult person will, if necessary, contradict his or her previous opinion in order to avoid agreement.

Pretending Not to Understand Others. Often, instead of plainly disagreeing, a person will say they don't understand the speaker. This is more common where the person does not want to hear what is being said. This may be an attempt to be polite but often it is a way to undermine the speaker. It is an ad hominem attack that implies the speaker is incoherent, or a dis-organized thinker.

Abusing Truisms Truisms are general statements about life that are hard to dispute. Most people use them to summarize or consolidate experience. The most general way to abuse truisms is to spread a demand out over a truism filled monologue. The demand is harder to resist because of the 'true' atmosphere. To resist the demand seems like disputing the trueness of the truism. Also the truisms make the demand seem more reasonable.

There is also a group of truisms that is frequently employed just when accountability is asked for. Examples of those are "Everyone is human", "Everyone deserves a second chance", "Don't kick somebody when they're down", "Everyone makes mistakes". All these truisms apply to a setting of overall accountability. In the setting of power and control, they are just attempts to live irresponsibly.

Trolling: This is asking for a general opinion, and then responding to the answer as if it is a personal attack. The target meant no ill will, but will be drawn into a situation in which slowly, in defending the original impersonal statements, they seem to start actually attacking the troll, who then has 'moral high-ground' and the target feels guilty and eager to do something for the troll. This term comes from the internet where the pattern is more plainly seen, but it has always been used in other contexts as well.

Double Standard on Social Norms. Social norms are deeply ingrained in most people. Social norms develop when responses that work well overall are trained into children. If someone is always reminding others of their obligations under social norms ("don't be selfish," etc..), it is often missed that that someone his- or herself does not follow the same norms. Even when this discrepancy is noticed, it can still be hard not to follow the norm.

Toxic Delegation Here the controlling person asks the target to do something for them, saying they can't do it for themselves. But whatever the target does the controlling person is criticized, not just as inadequate but evidence of negligence or poor judgment. The target then, feeling committed and at fault, becomes desperate to please the controlling person. This is a combination of 'defining problems' and 'trolling.' Playground wisdom is helpful her: "beggars can't be choosers." If a person really needs help, it is not legitimate for them to criticize any good faith effort.

Walkless Talk The controlling person talks indignantly and frequently to the target about what 'should' be done: cleaning, cooking, work duties. The target believes the controlling person must be doing a lot of it, tries to 'help' by doing as much as they can. In actuality, the controlling person is doing very little of the activity, it just seems like they are because they talk about it so much.

Changing the Subject for Other People. This occurs when at least three people are talking. If a subject comes up that is uncomfortable for one person, that person may insist on changing or glossing over the topic even though the other two (or more) seem eager to continue. Truisms may be misused for this purpose, or the subject may be labeled improper, or ad hominem attacks may be made. Even if the two (or more) people that want to continue recognize the interference, if one points it out and protests, the subject has already been changed! While it could be stated that the the people who want to continue the subject can do so later, certain frequent groupings (family dinners, work, etc) are a natural stimulus to conversation, and to thwart natural behavior in others is controlling.

Constantly Correcting: Disputing or correcting someone on points irrelevant to the main point being made is a status transaction. An argument constantly derailed by such corrections is just a raw power struggle, (at least to the difficult person) and will never settle anything.

Raising the Bar. It is natural to want to succeed in any task undertaken, and being given a challenge can be exciting. These human traits can be exploited though. First a reasonable task is given. If it is completed, another somewhat more difficult task is given immediately instead of acknowledgement, as if this new task is necessary for the first one to be real. This can go on and on with the target never able to succeed because the bar of success is always kept just out of reach. The targeted person can become so eager to please that they lose their bearings on what is reasonable, or what they want.

Ransoming Back. This is where something is taken from the target, and when the target asks for it back, an exchange is proposed. The target will often comply under the premise to get something one has to give something. But what the target is getting back is just what they should have in the first place. Cooperation is commonly kidnapped, because it is so easily withheld, and then something is given to trade for cooperation that should exist in any work or close relationship. The same is often true for disruptiveness, the peace someone should have is ransomed back.

The Chain of Yes: In this ploy, an easy, possibly flattering request is made to which the answer is almost surely "yes". More and more requests are made, each just slightly more demanding or less agreeable. A string of "yesses" is produced. It is natural at this point to have difficulty saying no, and so targets will tend to go farther in agreeing to an unfavorable request than they would have if asked in the beginning. This effect can take hold after even one or two "yesses"

Lying This self-explanatory

Use the Cover of Other People. This happen say when someone asks in public for something seemingly innocent that the other person has a good reason not to give. Because it is a strong social norm not to expose conflict, it will be hard to say no (for some reason the person saying no is deemed to be the one 'starting' a conflict.)

Projective Identification: This is a term from psychology, but it is a very useful idea in explaining some types of subtle control. In projective identification, another person is manipulated to act in a way that justifies the manipulating person's attitude or position. It usually works this way 1) an interpersonal accusation is made which touches on the sensitivities of another person. 2) the accused person protests, loses composure, perhaps counterattacks, and 3) the behavior or attitude of the accused person after the accusation is used as justification for the accusation. Projective identification usually works by stimulating fear, anxiety, guilt, or shame in the target person, and 'benefits' the projecting person by lessening those four things temporarily.

More Serious Adjuncts to Abuse

Bullying. This is a special case of projective identification as described above. The bully gets someone to feel and act out his or her fear so the bully doesn't have to. The target may or may not be weaker, but is chosen because by inclination or disempowerment they are likely to to organize their response around fear. This is recognized by folk wisdom, which recommends fighting a bully, even if losing the fight is likely. That is because the fighting response, although fear may be present, is not a living out of fear. This deprives the bully of the projection, so interest is lost in bullying that person.

Just Enough: This a way to avoid consequences. The perpetrator is someone who has not done what they agreed to do and probably never intended to do it. When the target is at the end of their patience and about to enforce a consequence (evict a tenant, fire an employee, end a relationship, revoke probation, etc..) the perpetrator does some small relatively easy part of what they should already have done (like make a small payment, schedule an appointment, do a small chore etc..) Even if the target understands that the token is not at all commensurate with the backlog of irresponsibility, it is hard for most people to follow through on the consequence. The perpetrator usually gets a reprieve ("to prove he means it") and the backsliding begins immediately. That is, the perpetrator has done 'just enough' to avoid getting in trouble. This may last for many repetitions and often expectations are just eventually dropped as the target gets desensitized to non-performance by the perpetrator.

Forced Teaming: This term was developed by Gavin de Becker in his book The Gift of Fear. A false loyalty is imposed on the target by the perpetrator suggesting to the target that they have a urgent common problem (and implying they need to start working together right away). This leads the target to forget about normal risk assessment. Even if the two people have a common problem, it is unlikely that 1) it is really urgent, 2) they have a best solution in common, and 3) joint action is necessary. This technique is meant to bypass healthy distrust and in real life is almost never benign. Unfortunately many movies employ forced teaming as a plot device for characters to get to know each other, which may desensitize people.

Urgency: Urgency limits the target person's options of getting more information, consulting others, investigating facts, or checking gut instinct, which takes a little longer to settle. Urgency also activates the 'fight or flight' system which 1) itself increases a subjective sense of hurry, and 2) limits creative options that might otherwise come to mind. When hurried, there is a tendency 'to go along.' As an antidote, there is a folk saying, "If the answer has to be now, it has to be no."

For more information on the different types of abuse please visit: 

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/eighteasyways.shtml

a n g e r after rape

The following is taken from http://www.angermanage.co.uk/ which is full of resources and useful information.

Steps to Tackle Your Anger

1. Stop, think and look at the bigger picture
This rule is about time management.
Time management is about creating time to think about the consequences between the event and the reaction.

2. It's OK to have a different opinion
Opinions are not facts! They are only what you think.

3. Listen Carefully
– L.O.V.E.
Learn – in order to learn, listen
Observe – observe the other person's body language
Verify – clarify information
Empathise – Keep your heart open at all times

4. Use your support network
A support network is a group of people you can call on when you need to talk to someone so your anger doesn't get out of control.

5. Keep a Journal
This is a powerful way of not internalising your anger. Your journal can be used as and when you need to. Record how you feel about what happened, and your views on a problem. By using your journal it will bring clarity to the situation.

6. Don't take anything personally
Nothing others do or say is because of you. What others do and say is a projection of their own reality onto yourself. When you are immune to the opinions, projections, behaviours and actions of others, you will not be a victim of needless suffering any longer!

CALMING STRATEGIES

• Breathe deeply, count to 7 on the in breath and 11 on the out breath.

• Remind yourself to "KEEP YOUR COOL".

• Remove yourself from the situation physically and emotionally if possible.

• Count backwards from 20 to 1.

• Go for a walk, ideally in a park or open space.

• Visualise a calm tranquil place, e.g. sea or mountains, for about 2 minutes.

• Let go of any expectations you might have.

• Remember life is unfair!

• Yoga, meditation, swimming and relaxation, good for de-stressing.

• Take up a relaxing hobby, e.g. gardening.

• Relax in a bath whilst listening to chilled music.

• Listen or dance to music.

• Inhale relaxing aromatherapy oils, e.g. lavender.

Clearing Process

Every time you feel angry with another person, you can either express your feelings, which triggers a reaction in the other person, or not express your anger, which will then build up inside you until eventually you explode. You are in conflict with that person (holding onto grudges) and will remain so until you can resolve matters with them.

If this is not done (i.e. resolution is not reached) it is likely that you will remain resentful or hostile towards them. This serves no-one and only keeps your anger alive. Often when it comes to expressing our anger to others, there is fear about how to express it in such a way that it is clean, healing and empowering for both ourselves and others.

Using our basic clearing process, you will find that even in the most difficult and challenging situations you can confront someone, without it developing into a serious drama. This approach is simple and powerful. Use it in an angry situation but remember: Practice makes perfect. You will become more comfortable with this approach the more you use it.

Before starting the clearing process with someone please make sure that you consider the following:

1. Be certain about the facts relating to the conflict. (NOT your opinions!)

2. Practice the clearing process with a good friend (your support person) first. This allows time to explore your own projections before doing a clearing with the other person.

3. Be aware that this clearing is more about you than about them. (It gives you the opportunity to open your heart to the other person.)

4. IMPORTANT - The other person does not need to justify their behaviour to you.

5. Tell the person that all you want them to do is just listen to you.

6. Offer them the opportunity to give you feedback at the end of the clearing process.

7. IMPORTANT - Give yourself enough time to do the clearing and ask the person how much time they have available to do this process.

8. Do not be attached to an outcome, sometimes the process will not go the way you want it to.

NB: Always start your sentence by saying: "I feel angry with you..."
Then: ... because I have asked you 10 times to take out the garbage".
"What I want is when I ask you once to do something and you say yes, please do it".
"What I am willing to own about my behaviour is often I do not follow through on commitments that I make".

http://www.angermanage.co.uk/download.html