authority

 

 

article taken from: http://www.pandys.org/articles/lawenforcementrape.html

 

 

"From our earliest days we learn that police officers are here to protect and serve, that society has deemed them to be safe. But what happens when a member of law enforcement is the one who hurts you?

Afraid to report

One very powerful reason I chose not to report that I was raped by a police officer was because of the fear I had over reporting a cop to another cop. I never felt like I would be believed. I never felt like I would have a fair chance because I feared he would be protected by people just like him. I worried that my character would be attacked and that since he was a member of law enforcement, his would be unassailable. I couldn't envision a scenario where justice would prevail.

The Aftermath

Being raped by a police officer challenged every belief I ever had about right and wrong. It left me feeling alone against an unsafe world that I felt had turned on me. I found myself feeling the need to intentionally challenge authority in a misguided effort to regain control. One particular area of concern was my fear of ever being able to seek help from law enforcement if necessary. Would I ever overcome my fear in a time of need or would I allow this one person to further infringe upon my right to be safe? Would I ever be able to see a cop on the road and not think of my rapist?

Most people get nervous when they are driving and they see a cop behind them, but for me those feelings were accompanied by panic, anxiety and genuine fear. Since my rape, I have been pulled over a couple of times. Each time left me feeling emotionally paralyzed and on the verge of tears. I had a very difficult time differentiating between the experiences and the individuals.

I also found myself engaging in unhealthy behaviors when it came to relationships. I intentionally sought out relationships with men that were police officers. In a very misguided way I believed that I could somehow "replace" the memory of my rape with something consensual. Unfortunately having sex for the wrong reasons only served to deepen my pain.

Returning to Normalcy

It hasn't been easy, but it has been necessary to find a way to come to terms with being raped by someone in law enforcement. I am fortunate to be an environment where I have seen police officers help children. I have also benefited from hearing stories about a friend's brother who is a police officer in the same large city as my rapist. Knowing that there are good people doing good things is something that has helped me change my tainted beliefs.

Some guiding principles that have assisted me in returning to my pre-rape beliefs are:

Separate the person from the position.

 

A critical part of my healing was learning to separate my rapist from his profession. He was a rapist who happened to be a police officer. He wasn't acting in the realm of his official capacity. I needed to remind myself that for better or worse his profession didn't change the gravity of his actions.

The majority of people in these positions are good people.
 

The tragedy of September 11th was a turning point in my healing because through the loss of that tragedy, many a law enforcement hero was found. This helped me stop generalizing and focusing on what the police meant to me. Instead, it helped me to see the positive.
 

In sharing my rape with other police officers I found them to be completely outraged that one of "their own" could ever commit such a heinous act. These men couldn't fathom how any man, never mind someone in charge of protecting, could ever harm another person.

Being raped by someone in a position of authority has certainly complicated my healing journey, but it hasn't prevented it."

 

 

christianity

What is a good enough reason for divorce? Well, according to  Rick Warren’s Saddleback church, divorce is only permitted in cases of adultery or abandonment—as these are the only cases permitted in the Bible—and never for abuse.

As teaching pastor Tom Holladay explains , spousal abuse should be dealt with by temporary separation and church marriage counseling designed to bring about reconciliation between the couple. But to qualify for that separation, your spouse must be in the “habit of beating you regularly,” and not be simply someone who “grabbed you once.”

“How many beatings would have to take place in order to qualify as regularly?” asks Jocelyn Andersen, a Christian domestic violence survivor and advocate, author of the 2007 book Woman Submit! Christians and Domestic Violence , an indictment of church teachings of wifely submission and male headship. As she sees it, by convincing women that leaving their relationships is not an option, these teachings have laid the ground for a domestic violence epidemic within the church.

Andersen writes from personal experience, describing an episode of being held hostage by her husband—an associate pastor in their Kansas Baptist church—for close to twenty hours after he’d nearly fractured her skull. Andersen was raised in the Southern Baptist Convention, where she heard an unremitting message of “submission, submission, submission.” She saw this continual focus reflected in her ex-husband’s denunciations, while he detained her, of women who wanted to “rule over men.” Though Andersen was rescued by her church’s pastor, who had his assistant pastor arrested himself, she says other churchwomen aren’t so lucky, particularly when churches tell couples to attend joint marriage counseling under lay ministry leaders with no specific training for abuse survivors, who instead offer an unswerving prescription of submission and headship, often telling women to learn to submit “better.”

taken from: http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/1007/biblical_battered_wife_syndrome%3A_christian_women_and_domestic_violence

"When considering Religion and Domestic Violence we have to realise that religious or spiritual factors are central to the victim's understanding and response. His/her own faith and the support of Church members can be vital in helping the healing process, while a lack of understanding regarding the Biblical perspective on abusive relationships by the victim or those he/she turns to for spiritual guidance and support can add to the emotional, physical and financial hurdles already faced. 

Many women in abusive relationships feel they ought to submit to their husbands out of duty, that they have no right over their own body, life or even opinions. Quite often this misconception is furthered by advice from clergy, elders, rabbis or other members of the Church or congregation. Some men may feel trapped by their beliefs in an abusive relationship, unsure of their position towards their wives or girl-friends. Some men may feel that unless they lord it over their partners, they are not doing as they ought to in the sight of God, that their position is one of Master, of Lord of the household. Often quotations or excerpts from the Bible are used to justify abusive behaviour, or the suppression by one member of the household of another. This in itself is a form of spiritual abuse.

Christian victims of domestic violence face the same hurdles to leaving an abusive relationship as do other victims, but they also have religious or biblical concerns, which make it difficult even getting to the stage of admitting abuse is happening without fearing 'eternal condemnation'. We may also ask ourselves whether our experience within the relationship is what God intended for us, whether being fearful in our marriage is an aspect of love?

One of the main dilemnas facing both the victim of abuse and the Church leaders and/or members when dealing with the perpetrator of Domestic Violence, is the question of Forgiveness. Should we forgive the abuser unconditionally? How do we tell if repentance has taken place? Should the acts be forgiven and forgotten? For the victim, is it her/his duty to forgive each incident, act as though nothing had happened and continue to put herself/himself at risk from the abuser? Do we need to be forgiven ourselves and is that forgiveness available to us?"

Below is an account by a Christian woman describing some of the spiritual struggles she faced dealing with an abusive relationship. 

Spiritual Obstacles to Leaving Abuse

One of the things which is often not appreciated is just how difficult it is for a victim of abuse to come to terms with the various spiritual obstacles to leaving abuse they have to overcome before taking action (in addition to all the 'normal' obstacles common to believers and non-believers alike), let alone even to get to the stage of confiding in other Church members or clergy.

Thinking back to my own experiences and spiritual struggles, I would like to point out some of the issues I struggled with, which kept me silent for much too long, prevented me from seeking help or taking advantage of the protection offered by the law of the land and the Police. Hence this is written from my perspective, that of a Christian wife, married to an abusive Christian husband:

There are many Scriptural reasons which prevented me from speaking out and seeking help and which left me confused about my position regarding the abuse, including the belief that we should not go to law against our Brother (1 Cor. 6:5-7), hence even where the law of the land could help to protect us from the violence or assaults we are experiencing, we deny ourselves that protection.

we should submit to our husband as unto Christ (Eph. 5:22,24; Col. 3:18), even where our husband is not acting in a Christ-like manner (1 Pet. 3:1) our body no longer belongs to us but to our husband - what right do we therefore have to object to his treatment of it/us? (1 Cor. 7:4) - this is especially a problem if we are the victims of sexual abuse or marital rape ... do we have a right to object to our husbands using our bodies sexually against our will or is that defrauding him? we must not separate ourselves from our husbands, but are bound for life by marriage (1 Cor. 7:10,39) - hence even moving into a refuge or safehouse to escape the abuse is not an option we would consider as that would seem to be a separating of ourselves from our husband.

we should forgive each other (Mat. 18:21,22 and countless others) and should repay evil with good, allowing ourselves to be defrauded and turn the other cheek (1 Pet. 3:9; Rom. 12:17; 1 Thes. 5:15 and Mat. 5:39) - so each time we are abused or assaulted, we forgive our husband, try to blot it out from our minds, try to be a better wife to him and put our trust in him again.
when faced with troubles, we should pray about it, and if we have enough faith, the prayer will have results (Jas. 5:13-16; Mat. 17:20) – if therefore the abuse continues after prayer, the fault must lie with us, our lack of faith or selfish motives, for it says: "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives" (Jas. 4:3)

we believe that we reap what we sow, hence the abuse must be due to our sinfulness (Gal. 6:7; Ecc. 11:1 and many more)

if we are truly trying to follow our Lord, then we keep no record of wrongs, but try to continue to love and act out that love (1 Cor. 13:4-7)
 

Added to that, what examples do we find in Scripture?
 

Hagar was suffering abuse at the hands of her mistress, and was told to go back and submit herself when she fled the abuse (Gen. 16:6)

Job suffered, though he was righteous – should we too not accept good from God and not trouble? (Job 2:10)

Many OT prophets suffered, and bore it with patience, and they should be an example to us (Jas. 5:10,11)

Time and again we read about suffering, and the need to bear it (1 Pet. 2: 19-21; 3:14,17 and 4:19) and in some way that suffering is for our own good (1 Pet. 1:6,7; Rom. 5:3-5 and Is. 38:17)

We believe that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13), and hence that no matter how hard the abuse, we can bear it and it is a lack of faith to give up and escape it, but God will find the solution and end it.

And we also believe that "all things work together for good to those who love God"(Rom. 8:28), hence if it does not look too 'good' it must be our love that is lacking, the fault is ours. On one hand we realise that our husband is being overtaken in a fault, and we have a duty to try to prevent him from sinning (Gal. 6:1), on the other hand, we feel responsible for the abuse, as though we were the ones causing our Christian husband to stumble and sin (Mark 9:42,43) hence the fault lies with us, and we need to do the changing. What right then do we have to object to the speck in our brother's eye, when we have a mote in our own? (Mat. 7:4-5) How can we throw the first stone? (John 8:7).

There are also other spiritual obstacles to leaving abuse to overcome, which are specific to our Community and similar ones:

we are reticent about approaching or seeking help from the 'World', for is not friendship with the World, enmity to God? (Jas. 4:4)

Nor do we want to admit to that type of problem, because we like to portray ourselves – the Christian Churches – as being separate and unaffected by worldly problems, we don't want to let the side down and admit our imperfections, or bring the "Truth" or our church into disrepute.
We should not be a bad example to younger members, or even our children, by giving up and ended a marriage - even one which is abusive.

Since the issues of abuse are still largely taboo within Christian Churches, we feel as though we must be the faulty ones to appear to be the only ones to be experiencing this.
We do not want to blacken our husband's name among our spiritual Brothers and Sisters, don't want them to be thought of badly, or suffer the condemnation of their spiritual and Church family. Despite the abuse, we still love them, and would rather suffer ourselves than see them suffer.

We do not want to bring shame on our Christian husband or the Community, and feel that to speak out about it, break the silence, would bring shame, rather than realising that it is the abuse itself which does so ... how often is the messenger blamed for the message?

We fear not being believed even if we do speak out, especially where our husband is a well-respected speaker, holds an office within the Church, or where we have come in from the outside and so automatically get less credence than if we had grown up in the 'nurture and admonition of the Lord'.

I could go on and on about the various spiritual obstacles to leaving abuse we face, but will leave it at that for now. Suffice it to say, before the Church is a position to act either in trying to help the abuser to own his/her actions and heal, or in support of the victim of abuse, there is a very long, hard spiritual journey for the victim just in being able to admit the abuse for what it is, let alone speak out about it and bring the problem before the Church.

taken from: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/spiritual_obstacles_to_leaving_abuse.html

brown

 

Article taken from: http://www.womensviewsonnews.org/2012/11/chris-brown-still-unrepentant/

 please note, the following may be triggering to some.

 

"Anyone who has a passing association with social media will probably be aware that singer Chris Brown has suspended his Twitter account after hurling misogynistic and sexualised insults at comedian Jenny Johnson. To see the full transcript of Brown’s NSFW tweets, you can go here, and it’s likely you will be pretty disgusted. A few brave commentators have pointed out that Johnson has been aiming derogatory comments at Brown ever since his 2009 conviction for his vicious assault against then-partner Rihanna, and that she started this particular exchange by calling him a ‘worthless piece of shit’. Others have added that this is mere publicity-seeking on the part of Johnson. But even if it is, Brown’s reponse – where he threatens to defecate in Johnson’s eye/mouth, calls her a ‘worthless bitch’ ‘a bushpig’ and tells her to ‘suck my dick YOU HOE’ (sic) – has proven exactly what Johnson and countless other appalled women and men have been saying for years. Namely that, far from being a ‘reformed character’ just because he ‘served his sentence’ (and more on why that’s SUCH an inadequate defence, later), Brown remains a total misogynist, and one with a frightening lack of self-awareness to boot.

 

Twitter trolls are at best annoying, and at worst severely disruptive to one’s life and sanity. However, the solution to them remains in our hands – ignore and block. Brown could have blocked Johnson long ago, but egotist that he is, he chose to engage and show his true colours instead. He could have responded with some dignity or at least attempted to defend himself in a reasoned way. But I guess a man who bites, punches and throttles a woman while screaming “I’m going to kill you!” perhaps isn’t particularly schooled in the nuances of having a mature debate with another person, and not using any excuse to rise to the bait. While I don’t believe in ‘trial by social media’, I do believe in winding your bloody neck in when the thing you’re most renowned for is a vile, violent, inexcusable assault on the person you’re supposed to love, rather than repeatedly behaving like an obnoxious twat and then making out you’re just soooo bafflingly oppressed by ‘haterz’. And don’t even get me started on Brown’s use of social media to label his legion of followers ‘Team Breezy’, as if to somehow imply that his crimes are something that we should all be ‘super casual’ and ‘mellow’ about.

 

To those then, who will inevitably come back with the ‘He served his sentence and said he was sorry’ defence, sorry but no dice. That defence will only stand when we live in a world where violence against women is adequately punished, and all the evidence at hand shows that this is far from the case. I remember over a decade ago, how Mike Tyson’s supporters clamoured to defend him when he was barred from entering Britain on grounds of his rape conviction. Women and men were vox-popped on the evening news bleating ‘But he’s done his time, forget it, move on’. Oh sure, Tyson did his time for raping Desiree Washington. He was sentenced to 6 years, but served 3. If you were an average sized woman forced into sex by someone with the physical strength, power and capacity for violence of Mike Tyson, would you think that an adequate sentence? Not to mention if you had to go through the media circus and complete annihilation of your character that would follow the (extremely brave) action of accusing one of the world’s most famous and admired men, as Tyson was at the time? It’s pitiful, that out of the very few rape cases that actually reach court, sentences remain so light, and it defies logic to think that a man who thinks he can use force to dominate a woman is going to be magically reformed by undergoing such a sentence.

 

This is illustrated perfectly by Chris Brown’s behaviour. His sentence was a joke, and whatever public ‘apology’ he was forced to issue for PR reasons, his behaviour since 2009 implies he is utterly unremorseful. He served no jail time, and got a mere 5 year’s probation with 6 months community labour. Reading the description of the frenzied, possibly murderous assault Brown unleashed on Rihanna, I think most of us would agree that this is in no way proportionate to the terror and pain his victim underwent and will probably continue to undergo in the aftermath. When someone punches you repeatedly in the head and then squeezes on your carotid artery while you scream for help, you don’t just get over that overnight, or in a year, or even five years. I’d wager it stays with you for life.

 

And whether Rihanna herself appears forgiving of Brown is irrelevant. We’ve all heard the term Stockholm Syndrome, and anyone who has done the slightest bit of research on domestic violence, or worse, experienced it themselves, will tell you that victims regularly defend and make excuses for their attacker. Even if Rihanna and Brown actually do start up a relationship again, this is in no way evidence that Brown is magically ‘reformed’, and could end up being quite the opposite – the average domestic abuse victim will leave their abuser only to return to them 7 times before managing to leave for good. It’s also worth bearing in mind that domestic abuse victims will usually endure repeated beatings before even calling the police. Had Brown’s attack on Rihanna not occurred in public, whereby worried bystanders overheard Rihanna’s screams and called the police, the story could have played out very differently. Brown’s victim deciding she wants to forgive him or still wants to be in a relationship with him does not negate what he did, or improve his character, or erase the surrounding culture of victim-blaming and apologism for violence against women.

 

Ah yes, that culture. That culture whereby a rich, powerful man who is looked up to by millions describes another man’s violence against a woman as a ‘mistake’ and demands that we give that man ‘a break’. That culture whereby Rihanna being punched, choked and bitten is merely a punchline in a primetime panel quiz show (which was also tastefully broadcast on International Stop Violence Against Women Day), and where complaints against such filth are dismissed on grounds of ‘varying tastes of humour’. In such a culture, there is no punishment harsh enough, no disgust deep enough, no grudge held long enough against the likes of Brown. Served his time, my backside. And if you think I’m being unfair, imagine what happened to Rihanna happening to your wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter, mother or friend, and tell me how forgiving you’d feel four years later, when the man who had beaten, strangled and bloodied the woman you care about is rich, successful and hurling vile abuse at another woman on social media. Somehow I doubt you’d be rushing to defend delusional misogynist Brown either."

 

 

Catherine Scott is a freelance feminist writer who has worked for Ms Magazine and the BBC. She has also written for Bitch magazine, the Independent and the Times Literary Supplement. Read her full bio at cathscott.co.uk.

hope

 

a list of useful websites for help and advice about domestic violence:

 

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

 

http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

 

https://www.gov.uk/report-domestic-abuse

 

http://www.ncdv.org.uk/

 

http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php

 

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/abuse/Pages/domestic-violence-help.aspx

 

http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/

 

http://www.mankind.org.uk/

 

http://www.speakouttoday.co.uk/

 

http://nour-dv.org.uk/?gclid=CNP9pKmY97MCFanItAodE30AGg

 

http://www.domesticviolencehelp.us/

 

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/

 

http://www.purpleberets.org/violence_police_families.html

 

 

 



domestic violence

What is domestic violence?

In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour crimes'. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently 'violent'.

 

 The government (UK) defines domestic violence as "Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality." This includes issues of concern to black and minority ethnic (BME) communities such as so called 'honour killings'.

All forms of domestic violence - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser's desire for power and control over other family members or intimate partners. Although every situation is unique, there are common factors involved:

 

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
• Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

Domestic violence is very common. Research shows that it can affect one in four women in their lifetimes, regardless of age, social class, race, disability or lifestyle. Domestic violence accounts for between 16% and one quarter of all recorded violent crime. In any one year, there are 13 million separate incidents of physical violence or threats of violence against women from partners or former partners.

 

Domestic abuse is not just physical. A person can be emotionally abused, raped, sexually assaulted, intimidated, threatened, controlled and financially abused.

"Abusers choose to behave violently to get what they want and gain control. Their behaviour often originates from a sense of entitlement which is often supported by sexist, racist, homophobic and other discriminatory attitudes.

Domestic violence against women by men is 'caused' by the misuse of power and control within a context of male privilege. Male privilege operates on an individual and societal level to maintain a situation of male dominance, where men have power over women and children. Perpetrators of domestic violence choose to behave abusively to get what they want and gain control. Their behaviour often originates from a sense of entitlement which is often supported by sexist, racist, homophobic and other discriminatory attitudes. In this way, domestic violence by men against women can be seen as a consequence of the inequalities between men and women, rooted in patriarchal traditions that encourage men to believe they are entitled to power and control over their partners."

 

Not all domestic violence occurs within a context of traditional power relations. Ultimately, responsibility for the violence must lie with the perpetrator of that violence, despite any societal influences that we may draw on in order to understand the context of the behaviour.

Domestic violence is learned intentional behaviour rather than the consequence of stress, individual pathology, substance use or a 'dysfunctional' relationship. Perpetrators of domestic violence frequently avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, by blaming their violence on someone or something else, denying it took place at all or minimising their behaviour.

 

Whilst responsibility for the actual violence is the perpetrator's alone, there are belief systems in our society that perpetuate abusive attitudes and make it difficult for women and children to get help. These include:

 

- Blaming the victim for the violence
- Putting the 'family' before the safety of women and children
- Tolerating the use of violence
- Privileging men over women and children's needs
- Treating domestic violence as a private matter

Research shows that violent men are most likely to perpetrate violence in response to their own sexual jealousy and possessiveness; their demands for domestic services; and in order to demonstrate male authority. Some men also believe that sex is another type of domestic service that they can demand. Violent men will also typically justify or ignore their behaviour by:

- Minimising the violence e.g., saying it was "just a slap" or "isn't that bad".
- Justifying the behaviour to themselves and blaming the victim.
- Denying the violence happened or refusing to talk about it and expecting the victim to just "move on".

 

Is domestic violence caused by a lack of control?

 

Domestic violence is about gaining control, not a lack of control. If an abuser is careful about when, where and to whom they are abusive, then they are showing sufficient awareness and knowledge about their actions to indicate they are not 'out of control'. Abusers use violence and tactics of coercion as a way of exercising control and getting what they want.

 

Why do some women stay with abusive partners?

 

Whilst the risk of staying may be very high, simply leaving the relationship does not guarantee that the violence will stop. In fact, the period during which a woman is planning or making her exit, is often the most dangerous time for her and her children.

Many women are frightened of the abuser, and with good reason. It's common for perpetrators to threaten to harm or even kill their partners or children if she leaves.

 

Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:

• She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
• She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
• She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
• She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
• She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
• She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
• She may not know where to go.
• She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
• She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

Women and children need to know that they will be taken seriously and that their rights will be enforced. They need to have accessible options and be supported to make safe changes for themselves and their children. Resources and support they will need to leave safely include: money, housing, help with moving, transport, ongoing protection from the police, legal support to protect her and the children, a guaranteed income and emotional support. If a woman is not sure if these are available to her, this may also prevent her from leaving.

 

Women may also seek support from family or friends and the quality of the support they receive is likely to have a significant influence on their decision-making. Sometimes women will make several attempts to leave before they actually leave permanently and safely. Regardless of her decision, it is important that the support a woman receives enables her to increase her and her children's safety regardless of the choices she makes about her relationship to the abuser.

It is vitally important that women are also supported while living with their abusers. If a woman feels that she will not be given ongoing support while she stays with her abusive partner, she is unlikely to seek help from the same person or organisation again.

Do women choose violent men?

Women do not seek out relationships with violent men. Frequently, men who will become violent do not reveal this aspect of their behaviour until the relationship has become well established and often not until their first pregnancy.

 

The first incident of domestic violence occurred after one year or more for 51% of the women surveyed; between three months and one year for 30%; and between one and three months for 13%. It occurred in less than one month for only 6% of women (Walby & Allen, 2004).

Women living with and leaving violent men say that they want the violence to stop and are often actively engaged in trying to protect themselves and their children from it. They may also try a number of ways to cope with or get the violence to stop, including changing their own behaviour eg. avoiding certain situations or appeasing the abuser by complying with his demands.

 

 

Myth: Abusers grow up in violent homes.

This is not true. Growing up in a violent home is a risk factor and some children who experience abuse do go on to be abusive in their relationships. But many do not. Instead they are repelled by violence because they have seen the damage it causes. They would not dream of hitting their partner.

Abusers learn to be violent from the society they grow up in. Inequality between the sexes means that men have more power than women – inevitably some of them abuse or exploit that power.

People who blame violence on their childhood experiences are avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. Violence is a choice an abuser makes.

 

Myth: Women ask for it. They deserve what they get.

Women are often attacked by their partner for no apparent reason. Even if a woman has behaved appallingly, she does not deserve to be beaten. Violence and intimidation are not acceptable ways to solve conflict in a relationship.

Again, this is a way of making excuses for the abuser’s behaviour. It allows a violent man to avoid responsibility for his actions.

 

Myth: He loses his temper sometimes, that’s all.

People argue that an abusive man “loses his temper”, or is “out of control”. The truth is that he is very much in control.

Abusers are usually selective about when they hit their partner, e.g. in private or when the children are asleep. They choose not to mark her face or other parts of the body which show. They never “lost their temper” with other people. This suggests they are very aware of what they are doing.

Many men abuse their partners emotionally and psychologically, without ever using physical violence. This shows the extent of their control.

 

Myth: Domestic violence is a private matter, you shouldn’t get involved.

For too long domestic violence has been allowed to happen behind closed doors. People think what goes on in the home is private, and not their problem.

Domestic violence is a crime. It is against the law.

We are all affected by domestic violence, and we all have a responsibility to speak out against it. Only then will it end.

 

 

 

 

Myth: More women would leave if the abuse was that bad.

It can be extremely difficult to leave an abusive partner. The abused woman may fear what her partner will do if she leaves, particularly if he has threatened to kill her or her children. She may believe that staying with him is better for the children.

There are also practical considerations to take into account. She may not have access to money, or anywhere to go. She may not know where to turn for help, particularly if English is not her first language. If she is emotionally and financially dependent on her partner, she may be very isolated.

Women from different cultures can find it particularly difficult to leave an abusive man as this would bring shame on both themselves and their family. They may feel like they are betraying their community if they contact the police.

An abused woman’s self-esteem will have been steadily worn down. She may not believe she will manage on her own, or that she has any other options. She may feel ashamed of what has happened and believe the abuse is her fault.

She may hope that her partner will change. She remembers the good times at the start of the relationship and hopes they will return. In emotional terms she has made a huge investment in the relationship and she wants it to work.

 

Myth: It only happens in poor families on council estates.

Anyone can be abused, no matter where they live or how much money they have. Abused women come from all walks of life. You only have to think of the celebrities we hear about in the papers to realise that money cannot protect you from domestic violence.

Men who abuse women are as likely to be lawyers, accountants and judges as they are milkmen, cleaners or unemployed.

 



f e m a l e

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

― Anaïs Nin

“The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.”

― C. JoyBell C.

“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ”

― Roseanne Barr



“I have not yet spoken my last word about women. I believe that if a woman succeeds in withdrawing from the mass, or rather raising herself from above the mass, she grows ceaselessly and more than a man.”

― Arthur Schopenhauer, Schopenhauer and the Wild Years of Philosophy

“Womanhood is a wonderful thing. In womankind we find the mothers of the race. There is no man so great, nor none sunk so low, but once he lay a helpless, innocent babe in a woman's arms and was dependent on her love and care for his existence. It is woman who rocks the cradle of the world and holds the first affections of mankind. She possesses a power beyond that of a king on his throne."

― Mabel Hale, Beautiful Girlhood

“Woman's degradation is in mans idea of his sexual rights. Our religion, laws, customs, are all founded on the belief that woman was made for man.”

― Elizabeth Cady Stanton



“Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke . . . She will need her sisterhood.”

― Gloria Steinem

“I won't be protected. I will choose for myself what is ladylike and right. To shield me is an insult.”

― E.M. Forster

zodiac shit

CATCALLING IS NOT A COMPLIMENT!

"I was talking with a friend yesterday who was complaining about her neighborhood. She says she can’t walk down the street without being whistled at or sometimes even followed by men. Here in Denver I can vouch for a similar sentiment. Being a young female walking down the street I usually feel more like a piece of meat than a human being. The problem when I try to explain this to men, however, is the huge disconnect between their intention and how women perceive it.

The usual conversation goes something along the lines of “but I mean it as a compliment.” In their minds women are supposed to want to be noticed on the street on a day-to-day basis. It means they look good; who wouldn’t want a stranger telling them that? Well, actually… when I’m alone walking down the street (day or night) I feel threatened by strange men who shout at me even when it’s “nice” things!

What it boils down to, in my opinion, is the patriarchal notion that women constantly want to please men through their looks. The idea is communicated to men that women should enjoy their attention, including in the form of whistles or cat-calls. The experience for women, however, is vastly different. When a woman is walking down the street she generally going somewhere. Her journey has a purpose and that purpose is not men’s appreciation of her physical appearance. In other words, when I’m walking down the street I want to get to where I’m going without being reduced to my body parts by a stranger. I think this is what cat-callers don’t understand about why cat-calling is harassment: it’s dehumanizing. And that’s never a compliment."

taken from: http://ucdwrc.wordpress.com/2012/05/24/why-catcalls-are-not-a-compliment/

"In the last week I have been honked at on five separate occasions, yelled at from cars three times, approached by strange men on the street twice, and given one completely unsolicited phone number.

Now, let me just make one thing clear — I have no issue with men (or women) finding me attractive, and respectfully approaching me and saying hello. Truly, I don’t. But there is a huge difference between respectfully saying “hey, I see you’re reading Game of Thrones, I just finished it! What did you think of…?” and telling me I have “nice titties” while I’m trying to cross the street.

I know this has been written about by others in ways that are a lot more articulate and interesting — but to be honest, I just need a place to express how fucking angry I am right now. So shitty men of Toronto, listen up:

Your catcalls are not a compliment. Honking at me from your lifted Ford Ranger doesn’t make me feel sexy, it makes me feel powerless and objectified. Disregarding the fact that I’m blatantly ignoring you and continuing to speak to me like I owe you my time and energy proves to me that you are not the type that takes ‘no’ for an answer. Shouting “good morning, gorgeous!” at me at 9:30 in the morning is not going to prompt me to sleep with you. Ever.

It’s important for you to know that your opinion on how I look is irrelevant, and I don’t have to take kindly to you thinking you are entitled to share your opinion about my body with me. Unless we are friends or I ask your advice, I do not give a shit about your opinion. It is not a compliment for a stranger to find me sufficiently fuckable because I don’t value myself on the basis of how many men want to have sex with me.

I am going to ignore you if you try to approach me at 11pm as I walk to the drug store. You know why? Because if I decide to be friendly and give you the time of day, if you decide to overpower me and get grabby, I will have police officers ask me why I was out so late alone, and why I talked to you in the first place. Your lack of human decency will be overlooked and I will be to blame. I will be asked why my skirt was too short, and be told that you just misconstrued my friendliness as flirting and that you thought I wanted it.

I wonder if you realize that I don’t leave the house without my phone not because I’m a text addict, but because I want to be able to call for help if I need it. I wonder if you know what it’s like to come up with an exit strategy or a witty retort in a split second just in case that guy walking towards you decides he’s got something to say — or worse.

I’m going to be real with you — I’m really tired of being nice. I’m tired of being told to smile, and I’m tired of saying “thank you” when dudes on the street compliment me. My body is not about you. My existence isn’t about you, and I don’t walk down the street for your enjoyment."

taken from: http://nessfraser.com/2012/06/29/your-catcalls-are-not-a-compliment/

a similar article: http://hellogiggles.com/no-catcalling-is-not-a-compliment-and-heres-why

p t s d

 What is PTSD?

PTSD is a reaction to being exposed to an event which is outside the range of normal human experience. Sometimes it is referred to as post traumatic rape syndrome too. It is a normal human emotional reaction to an abnormal situation. Everyone reacts differently to different situations and it doesn't have to be a life threatening experience for someone to respond in this way. It just has to be perceived by the victim as a traumatic event. It is a psychological phenomenon. It is an emotional condition, from which it is possible to make a full and complete recovery.

PTSD affects hundreds of thousands of people who have been exposed to violent events such as rape, domestic violence, child abuse, war, accidents, natural disasters and political torture. It is normal to be affected by trauma. There is help, and it is ok to ask for help. PTSD is not rare. It is not unusual. It is not weak to have PTSD.

Traumatic experiences bring to the fore survival skills which are valuable and useful at the time of the trauma, but which usually become less valuable, less useful and less effective with time. Sometimes survivors become stuck in problem behaviours when their pain is not acknowledged, heard, respected, or understood. Denial plays a great part here (it didn't happen, or it shouldn't affect you). Put-downs, dismissal of the pain, mis-diagnosis and other forms of secondary wounding keep survivors stuck.

Symptoms may come on soon after the trauma or fifty years later. That is what is meant by the post in PTSD. It is normal too for symptoms to come up again when faced by further trauma and in very stressful times. It is normal to be affected by trauma.

Society has it's own way of dealing with trauma which can both be belittling or denying. For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or was no big deal or continually being told it was time that they were over it, or just try and forget it ever happened cause secondary wounding in trauma survivors. It reinforces the mistrust of everyone and everything that trauma evokes in all survivors who no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just.

This ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Extreme situations which trigger this reaction again and again may cause survivors to do things in order to survive which can be hard to look back on later.

Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.

Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable. Thinking about what they have been through is so painful survivors wind up avoiding thinking about, feeling, or doing anything that reminds them of the trauma. For example, if they feel the trauma was their fault they may spend the rest of their life having to be right so they won't ever be at fault again. If they were happy when the trauma hit, they may avoid happiness forever.

Recovery

Recovery is a slow process which doesn't come easily or without pain. The survivor must be heard, feel they are understood, believed and find the ability to reconnect to a community. Recovery takes time. The survivor sets the pace. Recovery is not a race, and can't be given a set time limit. Recovery doesn't erase the trauma as if it had never happened, it just makes it easier to deal with.

Further trauma will always affect survivors. PTSD symptoms may come back during times of further stress, but the negative effects can be minimised as the survivor learns what they are and feels able to take care of themselves.. True healing is knowing it is okay to ask for help again.

Recovery is about learning better ways of coping with trauma and letting go of fear, even fear of change. Slow growth is good growth.

You can't rush survivors and we must not dismiss their pain. Instead of comparing pain, survivors and survivor groups are encouraged to respect each others pain and to focus on what they have in common and to share recovery. Each person's unique experience and pain is respected.

PTSD symptoms, numbing, hyper vigilance and flashbacks, are strong hints that you need to get help! They helped you survive, but they do not go away by themselves. People have to alter their lives to control them. They can become both ineffective and a source of constant pain.

It takes time to get better. Getting better is the reward for taking the time to recover. Getting better, however, is a slow process. The state of almost constant physiological arousal which many trauma survivors live in makes it difficult for them to take in the kind of information needed to heal. This is part of the brain chemistry of survivors. It is not resistance or stubbornness on their part. People can talk about changing but all survivors may see is their lips moving. The words and concepts make no sense. They are incapable of taking what is being said on board because they are too busy taking in information for their survival. Things like who is in the room, where are they sitting, where is the door, which is the quickest way out, do they look hostile or friendly, how are they reacting to me?

Until they start to feel safe a survivor won't be able to react to anything or anyone. They have to feel safe and feel as though there is an element of trust there. When they have been treated with respect, not discounted, not pushed to hurry up and recover, which are secondary wounding experiences and make PTSD worse, they will feel safe and know it because they will be able to hear and understand what the therapist or group is saying in a new way.

When they can hear, survivors can begin to work on safety issues. They can begin to understand and protect themselves from triggers. They can learn to handle emotions such as anger and fear. Survivors can develop the capacity to respond rather than react, like having a pause button instead of an on-off switch. 

Searching for the right help is important. You need to be comfortable enough with the therapist or group. On the other hand searching for the perfect group or a therapist who will never make a mistake can put off recovery for life. The therapist or group is not going to fix you. They will however provide you with information and a variety of coping skills, but it is you who does the work and heals.

Each person heals in their own way, there are no hard and fast rules, just as there is no pill that can cure PTSD. Yes drugs can be used to help with the side effects of PTSD, like helping sleeplessness or hyper arousal. Unfortunately there is no simple clear cut solution for such a complex phenomenon. I firmly believe that survivors have to confront what has happened to them, and by repeating this confrontation, learn to accept the trauma as part of their past. There is no magic wand. However counselling and therapy can help to find an easier path through the trauma and set you on the path to healing.

information taken from: http://www.aaets.org/article178.htm