helping

A Man’s Guide to helping a Woman 

who has been raped 

"How this guide will help. 

 Rape is an act of violence which occurs when someone takes control over another by the use of physical threats or force, or by exploiting another person’s inability to give or withhold 

consent for sex. While it is true that both women and men can be raped, it is most commonly done to females by males. Sexual assault (and attempted rape) is the fastest-growing crime in 

America, yet receives little helpful attention by media, educators, or politicians. Since rapes are usually unreported, nobody knows exactly how many actually happen each year, but estimates are that more than a half-million occur annually, or about 78 per hour. 

 Even though there is little public attention to rape, there are many scientific studies about rape, rapists, and effective forms of helping survivors. As a result, public awareness is improving, rape myths are being challenged, and survivors are finding better help today than in years past. 

 As you might expect, most resources to help rape survivors come from crisis centers, police stations, and specialized counseling programs. However, rape does not only affect the woman, but also her family, friends, and other loved ones. Because of this, people in relationships with rape survivors are called secondary survivors; we are not the ones who were attacked, yet we are still hurt and affected. Secondary survivors sometimes need help dealing with the trauma too, and our role as the victim’s helpers makes it important that we prepare ourselves with education and counseling whenever needed. 

 I am a licensed clinical therapist, and in my practice I have worked with many men affected by the issue of the rape of women. This booklet can help explain some of the things rape 

survivors have described as the most effective ways men can help."

Full booklet: http://www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

relationships after rape

12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape

There is a strange sort of unspoken theory that once a woman has been raped, sex is no longer a viable option for her. Sex has been replaced by trauma, fear, pain, and anxiety. I’m not saying this is never the case. Every survivor’s story and experience is different, but too often the assumption is that if you have been raped, you are sexually broken and forever unfixable. That sort of discourse is not healthy or empowering or even sympathetic. What I want to say is what I wish I had been told: rape is not a form of sex, it is a form of assault. Sex feels good. Assault is traumatizing. It is possible for sex to exist after rape because they are different experiences, just like it’s possible for you to still enjoy going out to eat even if you got food poisoning once. You might never go back to that restaurant again, but it doesn’t mean you will get food poisoning every time you go out.

Admittedly, I don’t know what sex before rape is like. I lost my virginity to rape at 14. People are willing to give a lot of guidance on what a survivor is supposed to do after her rape. Do not change clothes. Do not shower. Have someone you trust take you to the hospital. Report it immediately to law enforcement. Reach out to loved ones, find a therapist, become an advocate for other survivors. But it’s been 10 years and these are the things nobody told me about sex after rape:

1. Nobody tells you that you’ll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren’t you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn’t even be thinking about boys. That’s what got you in trouble in the first place. (Oh, hey rape culture, how’d you get here?)

2. Nobody tells you that you’ll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you’re pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you’re a prude because you won’t take off your pants.

3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you’ll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. You’ll feel embarrassed and stupid and you’ll wonder if you’re ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.

4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice (OK, maybe your therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you’re capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you’re allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.

5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. Your boundaries will be called “arbitrary” and you will be accused of “wielding sex as a weapon” and “putting yourself on a pedestal.” Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they will. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.

6. Nobody tells you that the ‘rape talk’ will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as “baggage” when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can’t believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.

7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don’t like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.

8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or a flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He’ll leave if he’s asked and he’ll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.

9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyably have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only lasts two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren’t sure you would be happy again.

10. Nobody tells you that it doesn’t work that way every time. PTSD isn’t cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.

11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you’ve been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.

12. Nobody tells you that just because he’s the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with him. You don’t “owe” anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he’s not “the one,” don’t settle just because he treated you better than your rapist.

You’re going to have good days and bad days. You’re going to have good sex and bad sex. But you’re still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you.

Source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/cj-hale/2013/06/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape/

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"After being raped I believed that I would never be able to have a relationship. If you were a virgin when you were assaulted then it can be hard to even imagine what a healthy relationship is like, never mind consider having one. It is, however, possible to have a relationship after rape.

Boundaries: Survivors often struggle to set clear boundaries in relationships, particularly if they have experienced abuse in a relationship setting. If you have had your no ignored in the past then it can feel easier not to say no rather than run the risk of it being ignored. Survivors respond in different ways after rape - some may avoid all physical contact, others may become promiscuous, others will go through stages of both these behaviours. Remember that you are entitled to say no to sex at any stage of a relationship.

Triggers and Disassociation: Sex is likely to be very triggering. Talk to your partner and make sure that they know if there are any particular things that trigger you so that they can be avoided. If you think you are in danger of disassociating during sex then make sure your partner is aware of this and discuss the ways you would like them to help you through it. There may be particular aspects of sex that you want to avoid - this is perfectly normal and understandable and no partner should ever pressure you to participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable - indeed to do so is abusive. Refusal to have sex is not the same as rejection and your struggles with intimacy are not your fault. They are a normal response to what you have been through.

Contraception: If you are struggling to take care of yourself it can be easy not to protect your body from pregnancy and disease. Remember that you are precious and your body is worth taking care of.

Telling: Telling your partner about what happened to you can be a difficult decision to make. You may want them to know every little detail or you may not want them to know at all. Both are fine. What you share is entirely your choice. If you choose to share remember that it may be difficult and upsetting for them to hear that someone they care about has been hurt. They may not know how best to support you. You may wish to tell your partner the ways in which you want to be supported - for example are you comfortable with touch when you are triggered or do you wish to be left alone? That way your partner will feel relaxed in the knowledge that they are doing the right thing and you will receive the care that you deserve.

Now that I am in a relationship where I am cherished I am angry that I ever experienced anything less.

You are worth caring for, don't settle for anything less! "

Source: http://www.pandys.org/overtherainbow/relationships.html