rebuilding intimacy after rape

"Post rape syndrome is a very special form of post traumatic stress disorder. It can also be classified as a unique sexual disorder. A person’s sex drive is mentally, emotionally, and physically affected by sexual abuse.

So if your partner is suffering post rape syndrome… what can you do to rebuild the intimacy?

Your partner’s sexual health is at risk, and so is your relationship. This can happen sometimes if a partner was raped recently, but is just as common (if not more so) if there was sexual abuse in your partners past. The symptoms of Post Rape Syndrome rarely show up immediately.

You may be wondering “why is it bothering them now when it happened so long ago?” and this is a good question, but difficult to ask because you don’t want to challenge the validity of those emotions. However, keeping this to yourself may cause you to blame yourself and wonder if the problem might actually be you.

So there is relief in knowing that, when your partner suffers post rape syndrome, their lack of interest in sex has nothing to do with you. More importantly, there are things you can do to help rebuild the intimacy in your relationship.

It is very important to know that everybody has a different situation and there is no cookie cutter approach to recovery. If your partner was recently raped, and has completely withdrawn, your own sexual needs will need to wait. You will need to encourage your partner to go into counseling. The worst thing you can do is prioritize the recovery of her sexuality over the more important parts of her.

On the other hand, if she has begun to show the symptoms of post rape syndrome over sexual abuse in her past, you should feel grateful that she has found the comfort she needs (being with you) to finally let these emotions come out. It may be difficult to be happy if your partner is withdrawn, including sexually, but it means your partner is ready to not suffer any longer. And you can help..."

Read the rest of this article here: http://www.empowher.com/sex-relationships/content/rebuilding-intimacy-when-your-partner-suffers-post-rape-syndrome

Another great source of information and advice on relationships and intimacy after rape can be found here: http://bluegypsy.tripod.com/physical.html & some quotes from the site are below: 

"I can tell you that many, many people are simply not prepared to manage in an intimate physical or sexual relationship environment after they have been raped or assaulted. Some will go to extreme measures to "prove" that the incident didn't effect them too much- and as a result will go to exceptional lengths to assert a promiscuous attitude. Others will simply back away from contact, emotionally or physically- sort of a "grin and bear it" or "run and hide" approach. Many studies have shown that the hardest relationships to maintain after abuse or assault are the most intimate ones. The victim has a great deal to handle in learning to trust others and feel safe again. They may feel betrayed, worthless, frightened to open up to friends and family, self- judgemental or self-critical, even suicidal. 

The best way to determine whether or not your mate is "touch-ready" is to ask. Always ask before touching your mate. At a certain point in their healing process they are trying to determine how they feel about many things that they didn't have the chance to discover or control before. What used to be acceptable to them may have changed in their view. Healing is an ongoing process; it changes constantly. Never assume that anything that was okay for them before is still okay.

Even if your mate has problems with memory gaps filtering out their traumatic experiences, that person's body will remember. The body's memory is a very effective trigger. Some common reactions you may find your mate displaying while trying to sort out their physical and emotional boundaries are: 

Fear, especially fear of pain, darkness, or suffocation

Need to stop foreplay or intercourse for no "apparent" reason

Nausea or vomiting before, during, or after sexual activity

Cramping or other unexplained pain

Being triggered- often displayed by hand gestures, sudden silence, frightened facial expressions, or refusal to look at you

Overzealous attitude or display of arousal that often appears unreal

Crying or other emotional outbursts before, during, or after sexual activity

Inability to tolerate sensation of any kind

Dissociating, going out of the body or away from the present time's activities

Questioning their sanity, senses, feelings, instincts, or emotions

May want to shower or bathe often, especially after sexual activity

Feeling trapped or bound for no obvious reason

Panic attacks at sudden triggers may occur

Nightmares, unexplained waking in the night

Being startled easily by the sudden sound or appearance of another

Suddenly recurring behavior you suspect is associated with the trauma

Inability to determine the difference between sexual and non-sexual touching

Inability to be comfortable with their body as a part of their humanity

Inability to handle certain positions or postures without panicking

Being unable to or refusing to take joy or pleasure in the experience

Being ashamed or feeling indecent or dirty for participating

Being confused about what is pleasant and what is painful 

  

This list is by no means complete. It is simply an example of some of the possible reactions one might expect from a victim. Often there are so many reactions at the same time, your mate may have trouble registering how they feel. Any reactions your mate displays are considered "normal" under the circumstances. If your mate is displaying any of the previous attitudes or behaviors, they are probably not quite ready to resume any sort of sexual activity-- even though they may not realize it yet. When your mate will begin to feel ready to resume any sexual activity is entirely up to them. There may be intermittent progress where the victim will be fine with some activities one day, and the next day may not be emotionally prepared for even a simple hug or kiss. "