grief after rape

The following post is taken from: https://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com/tag/five-stages-of-grief/

"..I was trying to come up with a list of helpful websites to put up that looked at the long-term consequences of rape. What did I find? Endless, endless pages talking about ‘stages’. Ehow.com even gives you ‘Instructions’ on how to get over rape..

1. emotional shock and disbelief
2. embarrassment, shame, guilt
3. disorientation
3. anger, rage, revenge fantasies

Personally, I never felt disoriented, and I certainly never felt guilt. Emotional disbelief perhaps, but only after a a few hours of emotional weeping and definite awareness of what had happened to me. I’m very certain that I felt anger as the rape was going on. These stages seem somewhat out of order.  Maybe a different set of stages from another article would be more useful..

Again, I didn’t feel these stages in an ordered, chronological way. A lot of those emotions I did feel, but at random, and often all at once, in a big SMUSH of anguish.So what can we tell from all this? That these stages are total nonsense.  Not because everyone should deal with rape in the order that I did (not that there was an order), but that everyone deals with rape differently. My opinion on this is 90% borrowed from my very good friend Rachel’s dissertation on grief, so I thought I might as well just quote it verbatim:

“We are constrained and controlled by the manner in which we talk about things, living only within our spoken categories, as if the only choices that are open to us are those that we have uttered into existence. Therefore, if we follow Kubler-Ross [and her five stages] and see grief only in terms of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in that order – then what happens if we feel relieved, or guilty, or if we experience denial after an initial acceptance?

What tends to happen is that we feel that this is not allowed. Not allowed?! Surely we can see how ridiculous this is? But in the midst of the chaos of grief I don't think we can, and this simply adds to our distress. By spending all of our energy on attempting to follow these strict modern conceptions of grief we are actually restricting our emotions – we are not allowing ourselves to properly and fully grieve, and to do so in a manner that is comfortable and helpful for us. We are all individual and as such, each experience one has one will understand and process in a unique manner. So where could any sense possibly lie in trying to box each individual into the same grieving process? We are all going to experience and react to this differently too. We should expect, and we should be allowed, this freedom.”

I have a massive resonance with this. Whilst some of the stages found online do reference promiscuity, it doesn’t really get talked about in everyday magazines – what women are likely to have read before having been raped – so when I reacted by becoming Britain’s Biggest Slut, all I knew was that I was supposed to be terrified of men and hide in my house for the next three years. I felt like I was dealing with my rape wrongly. How awful to make someone who has already been subjected to sexual assault feel as though they should be ashamed for how they dealt with it. Apologies to male readers, but I am reminded of Meredith’s stinging retort to Derek in Grey’s Anatomy:

 ”I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke.”

Of course, my wild days weren’t quite a matter of deliberate choice, but the principle remains the same.

Why do we feel the need to label everything up, to organise and order? I think when we are confronted by something as horrific as rape, when the ground has fallen away from us because our child, wife or sister has told us that they were sexually attacked, we like to pretend that there is still a solid foundation. We dream up these stages, as if humans were all automatons just following a roadmap. As if attempting to cope with a trauma like that could be anything other than, in Rachel’s words, “the chaos of grief”. It is chaotic. We are all over the place. That is how it is supposed to happen.

When I first read Rachel’s dissertation, I disagreed with it. I wrote notes on her pages talking about how, in the chaos of grief, perhaps having a roadmap to follow would be a small comfort to me. But the problem with that idea is that you can’t choose how you grieve. You can’t decide that today will be a bargaining day, or that today I will feel anger. These emotions are triggered by what we experience every day: perhaps we walked past someone who resembled our rapist, or perhaps I had a helpful conversation with a friend and had a breakthrough.

The best thing to do is to allow that any of a whole range of emotions can occur at any time, and that these won’t always make sense. Nor will we experience one emotion, finish it, and then move onto the next. I now like to think of myself as being able to talk about my rape in a sensible manner. But my last post – Who is Mark? – left me shaken for the rest of the evening to the extent that I got out the video player and watched some of my childhood favourites, clinging to the familiar. I am far from whole, far from healed. My emotions, my feelings about the rape, fluctuate on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. But I’m not worried about that. The pain will go in time – my time."

"Upward spiral of grief

In much of today’s media, we meet the misguided idea of ‘stages of bereavement’ and the idea that we have to ‘pass through’ them to ‘acceptance.’

It is our idea to replace the idea of ‘stages’ with a picture of a spiral. The ‘Upward Spiral of Grief’ allows people to accept their feelings, to accept that these feelings may come back and that grieving is long term work. For example, if 6 months after a loss, you still feel really tearful and sad one day, you may worry that there is something wrong with you.

However, you will be in a different place to that black hole in the beginning. Your feelings will be the same, but with less intensity. You will have moved around the spiral. You have moved on and made some adjustments. By using this spiral we can alleviate the pressure of having to move on through the stages of bereavement. It may become less frightening to revisit these feelings time and time again. It does not mean that you have gone back to the black hole in the beginning.

The idea of acceptance can also be misleading. We prefer to replace it with the word ‘adjustment.’ If we bereaved are really honest, we rarely accept the loss. We learn to live with it; we change our life accordingly. But, accept? Hardly.

There is little doubt that we do share similar feelings following a bereavement, such as shock, despair, pining, denial, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, relief, sadness. It is comforting to know that these feelings are ‘normal.’ However, over the course of time the idea of stages has become misunderstood. Some people feel under enormous pressure to ‘pass through’ these stages in order to ‘move on’ and accept their loss. We argue that it is more realistic to think of grieving in an upward spiral.

At Grief Encounter we aim to dispel these myths and give people the freedom to say that life will never be the same."

- See more at: http://www.griefencounter.org.uk/adults/#sthash.XCxDN3GI.dpuf

suicide

"I have suffered from depression for decades. Sometimes life has been good, and the depression has been in the background, but sometimes it comes to the fore and takes control of how I see the world.

When it is in the background, little things can be bad, but not overwhelming, and I can see a point to trying, and a reason for doing things.

When it is in the foreground nothing is worthwhile. I see life as a huge onerous, endless task, with no prospect of improvement.

Simply getting up takes a mammoth effort, because it seems so pointless. My thought patterns are stuck in a deep, dark rut with no hope.

It is so hard to describe the despair of that state, where even showering, dressing and eating are things that overwhelm or daunt me, and I do not believe I deserve to feel any better.

I am a survivor of depression. It is still there, but I am learning to deal with it.

I have dragged myself out of that pit slowly, with the help of medications that meant I did not find those simple tasks a huge challenge, and allowed me the time to find new ways of thinking, through therapy.

Some people do not get through this. They are in a state where they cannot see that things will change, they cannot see that they can improve, so they act to end the pain.

I know this feeling very well.

For those who have friends or family with this disease, please realise that the feeling of despair is not their fault, and nor is it yours.

Many diseases take people to the brink of despair, where battling another day is a dreadful prospect. Depression is one of these, and while you may not see the symptoms and the agony, it is there.

For those who are in this place, hold on to the thought that things can change, that you may not be seeing things in a balanced way, and that you do deserve better.

Keep trying, and keep asking for help.

You may have not found the help you need yet, but it is there.

You do not have to face this alone."

Taken from: http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff-nation/assignments/lets-talk-about-suicide/9413112/Hard-to-describe-the-despair

Suicide has been defined as a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." For the person caught in the black hole of depression, however, there is nothing temporary about the hell he or she is experiencing. The resulting sense of hopelessness is the major trigger for suicidal thoughts, feelings and attempts. This hopelessness includes:

no hope for the future

no hope that things will ever change

no hope that I will ever be well or stable

no hope that I will be able to meet my goals in life (or even have goals)

no hope that the pain will ever stop

no hope that I can do anything to change it

When the psyche is assailed by this level of despair, suicide feels like the only way out. If you are feeling suicidal, here are some thoughts that can help you to counter the suicidal urge:

1. Remember that you are under the influence of a "drug" called depression which is distorting your view of reality. As a result, your feelings of hopelessness do not accurately reflect your true potential for recovery.
2. Depression, like everything else in the physical world, is cyclic. In most cases, it comes and goes; it has a beginning and an end. A useful affirmation to repeat is, "Nothing stays the same forever. This, too, shall pass."
3. An overwhelming majority of people who have suffered from suicidal feelings have fully recovered. The odds that you will get better are in your favor.
4. If you have family and/or friends in your life, realize that they will be devastated by losing you. Their suffering will only add to the existing suffering in the world.
5. Use the techniques described in the depression survival plan in this book to increase your coping resources and to keep yourself safe.
6. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things. Just because you feel like killing yourself, it doesn't mean you have to act on it this minute. This is one time when procrastinating is a good idea.
7. Do not remain alone when you are feeling suicidal. If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. Set up a suicide support system with people who can spot your mood swings even before you do, and will take action to keep you safe. Make a pact that you will contact them when you are feeling suicidal. If you don't have friends who can do this, try to locate a depression support group at a hospital or clinic.
8. Use your local crisis hotline as a resource. Their job is to support you through your struggle, one day at a time.
9. Regulate anything in your environment that may be used to harm you. Flush old medications down the toilet, keeping only small quantities of those you take regularly. Dispose of all firearms you have, or give them to a support person for safekeeping.

Finally, remember, people do get through this, even when they feel as bad as you do right now. Here is a passage from Kathy Cronkite's At the Edge of Darkness that was very helpful in restoring my hope.

Part of the anxiety and dread of depression is that "storm in the brain" that blocks out all possibility of sunlight. In the depths of despair that by definition murders faith, courage may have to suffice. Keep slogging. Even if you don't believe it at the moment, remind yourself of the existence of good. Reassure yourself: "Once I enjoyed 'X,' I will again." The disease may have turned off the spigot of love, but it will come back."

Taken from: http://www.healingfromdepression.com/suicidal.htm

"..how do we help suicidal people fight against the despair and hopelessness that make them want to reject life? We have to understand their pain and what ending their life means to them, in order to help. If we rush to tell them how wonderful life is when all they know is deep despair, we may add to their feeling that no one understands the depth of their pain. This is a risk that we don't want to take.

Most of us are afraid of opening up the topic of suicide with depressed people, because we think that if we entertain the topic we are giving them permission to take their life. We also don't want to shame and embarrass them. Even therapists often feel this, even though it's our job to bring up this difficult subject matter with our patients.

Whether you are a therapist, a friend, or a loved one of someone who may be contemplating suicide, we all have to appreciate the meaning of the suicidal act in order to understand it, so that we are not afraid to have such discussions. I open up this difficult subject matter with you today, so that you understand what suicide is really all about and how you may help a loved one who is contemplating suicide. Understanding is the best way to reach a suicidal person and help him or her to continue living.

What is Suicide?

An Attempt To Solve A Problem

Suicide is a senseless act to those who wish to live. But, death as an option to one's problems makes sense to the suicidal person. The thought of suicide occurs most often when a person feels they have run out of solutions to problems that seem inescapable, intolerably painful, and never-ending. It may be a physical or mental illness that deteriorates the body or mind, as in Lou Gehrig's disease or Bipolar disorder. Or, it may result from the death or suicide of a loved one. Perhaps, it's a downward spiral from money woes and a devastating change in lifestyle. For some, public disgrace or humiliation makes it intolerable to go on living; while, for others, the intolerable condition may result from the post-traumatic stress of military combat, homicide, rape, or imprisonment.

No matter the situation that brings a person to contemplate death, there's one thing that suicidal people share in common; they cannot love life, right now. They have experienced a basic and comprehensive breakdown in their values, way of living, self-esteem, and ability to make sense of life and to give it meaning that restores their hope and the will to live.

We are hard-wired to survive, to fight in times of stress and threat, so suicide feels so wrong to us. The suicidal person has fallen to the other side of this evolutionary fight for survival. They have chosen to flee, through death.

It doesn't matter how we'd respond, or how severe the circumstances seem to us, suicidal people cannot love life or find meaning in it, in their deteriorated mental state. Nonetheless, it's important for us to know that they do not really want to die; they just want a way out from their suffering. Suicide seems like the only way out.."

Taken from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/the-edge-suicide

"If you are reading this because you are having suicidal thoughts, try to ask someone for help. It may be difficult at this time, but it's important to know you are not beyond help and you are not alone.

Talking to someone can help you see beyond feelings of loneliness or despair and help you realise there are options.

There are people who want to talk to you and who want to help. Try talking to a family member or friend about how you are feeling.

There are several telephone helplines you can call at any time of the day or night. You can speak to someone who understands how you are feeling and can help you through the immediate crisis.

Helplines and support groups

• Samaritans (08457 90 90 90) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you are feeling, or if you are worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans atjo@samaritans.org.
• Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number will not show up on your phone bill.
• PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation that supports teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
• Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It does not have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
• Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
• Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.

Help for young men

Men may be more likely to avoid or ignore problems and many are reluctant to talk about their feelings or seek help when they need it.

A support group called the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is an excellent resource for young men who are feeling unhappy. As well as the website, CALM also has a helpline (0800 58 58 58).

Talking to someone you trust

If you do not want to speak to someone on a helpline, you could talk to:

• a member of your family, a friend or someone you trust, such as a teacher
• your GP, a mental healthcare professional or another healthcare professional
• a minister, priest or other type of religious leader

Seeing your GP

It would also help to see your GP. They can advise you about appropriate treatment if they think you have a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety.

Your GP may be able to help you with access to talking therapies. Talking therapies, such as counselling andcognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), are often used to help people who have suicidal thoughts and usually involve talking about your feelings with a professional.

Taken from: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx

More information can be found here:

http://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find_help.html

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm

http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

self-harm

WARNING: the following post may be triggering for some.

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, old memories, or overwhelming situations and experiences. The ways you hurt yourself can be physical, such as cutting yourself. They can also be less obvious, such as putting yourself in risky situations, or not looking after your own physical or emotional needs.

Ways of self-harming can include:

• cutting yourself
• poisoning yourself
• over-eating or under-eating
• burning your skin
• inserting objects into your body
• hitting yourself or walls
• overdosing
• exercising excessively
• scratching and hair pulling.

After self-harming, you might feel better and more able to cope for a while. However, self-harm can bring up very difficult feelings and could make you feel worse.

If you self-harm, you may feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. You might be worried that other people will judge you or pressurise you to stop if you tell them about it. This may mean that you keep your selfharming a secret. This is a very common reaction, although not everyone does this.

Why do people harm themselves?

There are no fixed rules about why people self-harm. For some people, it can be linked to specific experiences, and be a way of dealing with something that is happening now, or that happened in the past. For others, it is less clear. If you don’t understand the reasons for your selfharm, it’s important to remind yourself that this is OK, and you don’t need

to know this in order to ask for help.

Any difficult experience can cause someone to self-harm. Common causes include:

• pressures at school or work
• bullying
• money worries
• sexual, physical or emotional abuse
• bereavement
• confusion about your sexuality
• breakdown of relationships
• an illness or health problem
• difficult feelings, such as depression, anxiety, anger or numbness, experienced as part of a mental health problem.

Some people have also described self-harm as a way to:

• express something that is hard to put into words
• make experiences, thoughts or feelings that feel invisible into something visible
• change emotional pain into physical pain
• reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
• have a sense of being in control
• escape traumatic memories
• stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated (see dissociative disorders)
• create a reason to physically care for yourself
• express suicidal feelings and thoughts without taking your own life
• communicate to other people that you are experiencing severe distress.

Sometimes people talk about self-harm as attention-seeking. If people make comments like this, it can leave you feeling judged and alienated. In reality, most people keep their self-harm private, and it can feel very painful to have your behaviour misunderstood in this way.

If you do self-harm as a way of bringing attention to yourself, remember that you deserve a respectful response from those around you, including from medical professionals.

How can I help myself?

If you are thinking about stopping or reducing your self-harm, finding ways of helping yourself can feel very empowering.

This section gives some ideas for things you can do to support yourself better. Some can be done when you feel like self-harming. Others can be done at any time. You may need to try a few to find out what works for you. These techniques may be helpful on their own, or alongside professional help. (See ‘What treatment and support is available?’)

There is no magic solution or quick fix for self-harm, and making changes can take time and involve periods of difficulty. It is common to make some progress and then get back into old behaviours again. If this happens to you, remind yourself that it's not failing – it is simply part of the process.

If you do not feel able to stop self-harming completely, it is important to be honest with yourself and consider what else you can do that would feel helpful. For example, you may be able to work towards reducing or stopping your self-harm in the future, even if you find it too difficult to stop self-harming immediately.

Work out your patterns of self-harm

It may be that things happen so fast, it feels impossible to realise you have an urge to self-harm before you find that you are hurting yourself.

Keeping a diary of what happens before, during and after each time you self-harm, can help you work out what gives you the urge to self-harm, and recognise when the urge is coming on. It is helpful to do this over a period of time – maybe a month – so that you start to see patterns.

Learn to recognise triggers

Your triggers are the things that give you the urge to hurt yourself. This could be anything from people, situations, anniversaries, certain times of the day, physical sensations or particular thoughts or feelings.

In your diary, note down what was happening before you last self-harmed.Did you have a particular thought? Did you have an argument? Did you have to see someone you don’t like? Did a situation or object remind you of something difficult?

This can be quite an intense experience and bring up difficult feelings and emotions. If you feel confident to try this on your own, make sure you do something relaxing or enjoyable afterwards. If you find doing this distressing, you may want to ask for support from a trusted friend, family member, or professional. (See ‘What treatment and support is available?’ for more information.)

Learn to recognise urges

The next step is to identify how you experience the urge to self-harm. Urges come in lots of different ways and may be different for you at different times.

Urges can include:

• physical sensations, such as a racing heart, nausea, or very shallow breath
• feelings of heaviness, fogginess or blackness
• disconnecting with yourself, such as feeling like you are outside of your own body or losing all feelings of sensation
• strong emotions, like sadness, fear, despair or rage
• specific thoughts, such as 'hurt' or 'I'm going to cut'
• making decisions that you know aren't good for you, for example by excessive working or exercising rather than experiencing your feelings.

for the full article, including more advice on self-harm and how to help yourself or someone you know visit: 

 http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/how-can-i-help-myself/#.UyWMDfl_t1Y

more advice and information on self-harm can be found in the following links: 

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Self-injury/Pages/Introduction.aspx

http://selfharm.co.uk/home

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

http://www.liberonetwork.com/anxiety-and-anorexia-as-self-harm

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_children_young_people/whats_worrying_you/self-harm

space

The following article is taken from http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2012/10/asking_for_spac

"Guest blogger Rebecca recounts an episode where she felt sensitive to her triggers. 

Last night a taxi company refused to provide me with a female taxi driver. I was told a female driver was available, but it would be inconvenient to send her because she was too far away from where I was.

The first woman who took the call seemed taken aback by the request and asked me to hold. Another woman, who was possibly a supervisor, then asked me why I wanted a female driver. When I explained it was for reasons of safety she acted annoyed and said that all their drivers were safe. I hadn't been expecting hostility so I attempted to justify my request.

I told her that I would feel safer with a female driver, as I was a young woman heading home alone late on a Friday night. I said I had been drinking and felt vulnerable. She dismissed my concerns in a way where I felt she was trivializing them. After she repeated that it wouldn't be possible to send the female taxi driver to me I hung up humiliated.

I wanted a female taxi driver because I was raped a couple years ago and had been badly triggered that evening. I'd had a rough day, but had arranged to visit a male friend of mine so wanted to honour the arrangement. When I arrived I explained about my day and how sensitive I felt, but about half an hour later my friend said, "Oh, here's a video I think you'll like," and showed me a video about rape in video-games. The content of the video would usually not have been a problem for me, but my friend gave me no warning and just pressed play without telling me a thing about it. I sat frozen on the side of his bed, thinking, "But I just told him about my day. Why would he show me this?" When it ended he launched into his own personal summary, which revealed a staggering amount of ignorance to the trauma rape victims feel and the way rape is dealt with in the mainstream media. I cut him off and excused myself, escaping to the bathroom, but not before telling him to Google the term 'trigger warning'.

Once I'd recovered myself a little I went back to his room and apologised for my behaviour. I referenced the rape a couple years ago and how lately I'd been getting more sensitive about it. I've been doing a lot of feminist activism, writing about the sex industry, and nude modeling and I was seeing rape culture more clearly and feeling a lot less safe because of it. I had, at the time, considered my assault an isolated incident by an individual man. But I was starting to view it as a consequence of a culture of permissiveness: from casual jokes to street harassment. My friend was clearly uncomfortable so I tried to laugh it off and change the subject, requesting that we watch an episode or two of a show I knew had few, if any, triggering moments in it.

By the end of the second episode I'd calmed down. Unfortunately I'd also missed the last bus home. Usually I would have stayed at my friend's house, but I wanted to be in my own bed in my own flat. That's when I called the taxi company.

My friend was uncomfortable that I wanted to ask for a female taxi driver. He didn't consider it justified and I was still a bit too upset to explain it to him. It is unfair to label all men as potential rapists and intellectually I know that is not true.

However, whenever a strange man knocks on my door, I feel my palms sweat, even though I know it is probably the postman. When I walk home alone a man engaging me in conversation may be a possible introduction to an assault. I will brush him off and walk away rudely, aware that he might merely be being friendly and that my behaviour is probably upsetting for him. It is not nice to be the source of fear in other people. I know that, but it doesn't stop me feeling afraid.

Trying to explain this to my male friends is difficult. Trying to explain it to taxi-companies at one in the morning is just too much. After stressing a little and a bit of a cry I let my friend phone a different company and order a taxi without trying again to specify a female driver.

The man who drove me home was perfectly nice and didn't leer, or make inappropriate jokes, or do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I have had some lovely male taxi drivers and many more that I could take a little teasing and flirting from. But that night I couldn't have dealt with it. I felt let down and vulnerable and silly, like my assault was an inconvenience that I was being rude for bringing up.

Surely this is a reasonable justification for wanting a female driver? Or maybe I have no right to force others to accommodate my trauma. When I got home my friend text me to see if I was okay and I told him I was. But I'm not. I'm not okay at all."

p t s d

 What is PTSD?

PTSD is a reaction to being exposed to an event which is outside the range of normal human experience. Sometimes it is referred to as post traumatic rape syndrome too. It is a normal human emotional reaction to an abnormal situation. Everyone reacts differently to different situations and it doesn't have to be a life threatening experience for someone to respond in this way. It just has to be perceived by the victim as a traumatic event. It is a psychological phenomenon. It is an emotional condition, from which it is possible to make a full and complete recovery.

PTSD affects hundreds of thousands of people who have been exposed to violent events such as rape, domestic violence, child abuse, war, accidents, natural disasters and political torture. It is normal to be affected by trauma. There is help, and it is ok to ask for help. PTSD is not rare. It is not unusual. It is not weak to have PTSD.

Traumatic experiences bring to the fore survival skills which are valuable and useful at the time of the trauma, but which usually become less valuable, less useful and less effective with time. Sometimes survivors become stuck in problem behaviours when their pain is not acknowledged, heard, respected, or understood. Denial plays a great part here (it didn't happen, or it shouldn't affect you). Put-downs, dismissal of the pain, mis-diagnosis and other forms of secondary wounding keep survivors stuck.

Symptoms may come on soon after the trauma or fifty years later. That is what is meant by the post in PTSD. It is normal too for symptoms to come up again when faced by further trauma and in very stressful times. It is normal to be affected by trauma.

Society has it's own way of dealing with trauma which can both be belittling or denying. For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or was no big deal or continually being told it was time that they were over it, or just try and forget it ever happened cause secondary wounding in trauma survivors. It reinforces the mistrust of everyone and everything that trauma evokes in all survivors who no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just.

This ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Extreme situations which trigger this reaction again and again may cause survivors to do things in order to survive which can be hard to look back on later.

Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.

Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable. Thinking about what they have been through is so painful survivors wind up avoiding thinking about, feeling, or doing anything that reminds them of the trauma. For example, if they feel the trauma was their fault they may spend the rest of their life having to be right so they won't ever be at fault again. If they were happy when the trauma hit, they may avoid happiness forever.

Recovery

Recovery is a slow process which doesn't come easily or without pain. The survivor must be heard, feel they are understood, believed and find the ability to reconnect to a community. Recovery takes time. The survivor sets the pace. Recovery is not a race, and can't be given a set time limit. Recovery doesn't erase the trauma as if it had never happened, it just makes it easier to deal with.

Further trauma will always affect survivors. PTSD symptoms may come back during times of further stress, but the negative effects can be minimised as the survivor learns what they are and feels able to take care of themselves.. True healing is knowing it is okay to ask for help again.

Recovery is about learning better ways of coping with trauma and letting go of fear, even fear of change. Slow growth is good growth.

You can't rush survivors and we must not dismiss their pain. Instead of comparing pain, survivors and survivor groups are encouraged to respect each others pain and to focus on what they have in common and to share recovery. Each person's unique experience and pain is respected.

PTSD symptoms, numbing, hyper vigilance and flashbacks, are strong hints that you need to get help! They helped you survive, but they do not go away by themselves. People have to alter their lives to control them. They can become both ineffective and a source of constant pain.

It takes time to get better. Getting better is the reward for taking the time to recover. Getting better, however, is a slow process. The state of almost constant physiological arousal which many trauma survivors live in makes it difficult for them to take in the kind of information needed to heal. This is part of the brain chemistry of survivors. It is not resistance or stubbornness on their part. People can talk about changing but all survivors may see is their lips moving. The words and concepts make no sense. They are incapable of taking what is being said on board because they are too busy taking in information for their survival. Things like who is in the room, where are they sitting, where is the door, which is the quickest way out, do they look hostile or friendly, how are they reacting to me?

Until they start to feel safe a survivor won't be able to react to anything or anyone. They have to feel safe and feel as though there is an element of trust there. When they have been treated with respect, not discounted, not pushed to hurry up and recover, which are secondary wounding experiences and make PTSD worse, they will feel safe and know it because they will be able to hear and understand what the therapist or group is saying in a new way.

When they can hear, survivors can begin to work on safety issues. They can begin to understand and protect themselves from triggers. They can learn to handle emotions such as anger and fear. Survivors can develop the capacity to respond rather than react, like having a pause button instead of an on-off switch. 

Searching for the right help is important. You need to be comfortable enough with the therapist or group. On the other hand searching for the perfect group or a therapist who will never make a mistake can put off recovery for life. The therapist or group is not going to fix you. They will however provide you with information and a variety of coping skills, but it is you who does the work and heals.

Each person heals in their own way, there are no hard and fast rules, just as there is no pill that can cure PTSD. Yes drugs can be used to help with the side effects of PTSD, like helping sleeplessness or hyper arousal. Unfortunately there is no simple clear cut solution for such a complex phenomenon. I firmly believe that survivors have to confront what has happened to them, and by repeating this confrontation, learn to accept the trauma as part of their past. There is no magic wand. However counselling and therapy can help to find an easier path through the trauma and set you on the path to healing.

information taken from: http://www.aaets.org/article178.htm

ptsd

What is post-traumatic stress disorder?

The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) is used to name a range of symptoms you may develop in response to experiencing a traumatic event, which is outside of your 'normal' human experience. It is often a delayed response.

Just hearing news of events, such as the London bombings in July 2005, incidents in the war in Afghanistan, or the Hillsborough football stadium disaster, can have a lasting effect on you. If you are actually present during a disaster of this nature it’s likely that you will become extremely distressed.

Likewise, if you are involved in, or witness, events such as road accidents, muggings, and sexual or physical assaults, these experiences may also cause you deep emotional injury. There is no doubt that the reactions that may follow can seriously hamper and interfere with your life.

Some survivors have objected to the use of the term ‘disorder’, because they see such reactions as an entirely normal and understandable response to abnormal events. But regardless of whether the term ‘disorder’ or ‘syndrome’ is used, the diagnosis recognises that there are events and experiences that are beyond our control, and which may fill us with fear or horror, and can cause extremely disturbing psychological symptoms.

What are the symptoms?

If you have faced a traumatic experience, you may simply feel emotionally numb to begin with, and feelings of distress may not emerge straight away. But sooner or later, you are likely to develop emotional and physical reactions, and changes in behaviour, which may include some of the following: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/post-traumatic_stress_disorder

 These are all quite common reactions to a traumatic event, and many people find the symptoms will disappear in a relatively short period of time. But if they last for longer than a month, or they are very extreme, you may be given a diagnosis of PTSD.

You may also have other symptoms, such as severe anxiety, a phobia or depression. You may develop a dissociative disorder (see Mind’s booklet Understanding dissociative disorders) and suicidal feelings. There’s no time limit on distress, and some survivors may not develop post-traumatic symptoms until many years after the event.

Fearing for your life

Events in which others die, or where you thought you were going to die, may lead to more long-lasting stress responses. A study of Falkland War veterans found that people who had actually been involved in combat were most likely to get PTSD.

Harmful intentions

Man-made disasters, particularly those involving deliberate acts of violence, terrorism, or exploitation, seem to cause longer-lasting and more painful emotional consequences than natural disasters. The crucial factor may be that such experiences destroys people’s trust in others, particularly if they involve someone you have depended on.

Conscious memories

People who remain conscious throughout the experience are more vulnerable to PTSD because of the horrific memories etched on the mind, whereas those who lose consciousness or suffer head injury are protected.

Personal circumstances

Your personal history can make you more prone to PTSD. If a traumatic event triggers memories of an earlier distressing experience, the effect may be much worse. Similarly, if you are already going through emotional problems, you are also much more vulnerable.

Guilt feelings

Sometimes survivors of trauma feel guilty, as though they were responsible for the event, or could have done more to save themselves or others. One study showed that those who blamed themselves in some way for the outcome of the disaster were more at risk of severe and long-term distress.

How can I deal with a traumatic event?

After a traumatic event, people often feel numb, dazed and disorientated. Talking about what has happened to them may be the last thing they want to do. Many survivors have said that what they found most useful, to begin with, was practical advice, followed by information and support with day-to-day tasks.

Talking about your feelings may be the best way of coming to terms with the experience. Everyone will have their own unique responses, and will need to proceed at their own pace. You may turn to friends, relatives and colleagues, or seek professional help when you decide you do want to talk about what you’ve been through.

It is important that you have an opportunity to talk to someone when you are ready to do so. However, you should not be made to talk before you are ready, or even at all, if you do not want to. Research has shown that debriefing immediately after traumatic events, by making you describe every detail, may make PTSD more likely, because it may help to establish memories of the event by bringing them into the conscious mind, increasing the risk of flashbacks or nightmares.

Many people go through a period of denial after a bereavement or a traumatic event. Researchers have suggested that this allows you time away from the trauma, similar to unconsciousness. This research also suggests that challenging or interrupting this by insisting you talk about the trauma is harmful. It is also possible that while you are apparently ‘in denial’, you may subconsciously be beginning to face the trauma.

However, if you bottle up stress responses over months or years, they may become deeply ingrained and cause serious problems. You may remain in a state of extreme tension long after the trauma has passed. You may find yourself avoiding situations, in case they remind you of the trauma, so that life becomes increasingly restricted. Not uncommonly, you may turn to alcohol or drugs in an attempt to avoid painful feelings and memories. In trying to avoid the problem though, you are also avoiding getting appropriate help. There are various organisations that can provide the details of counsellors experienced in treating PTSD. For more information, see ‘Useful contacts’.

It can be very helpful for you to share your experiences with others who have been through something similar. This can be an extremely important step in moving away from isolation and towards regaining control of your life. You may find it especially useful to contact an organisation specialising in your particular type of experience; for example, soldiers who have seen combat, victims of violent crime or sexual assault, and people who have been tortured or who are refugees. (see ‘Useful contacts’).