grief after rape

The following post is taken from: https://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com/tag/five-stages-of-grief/

"..I was trying to come up with a list of helpful websites to put up that looked at the long-term consequences of rape. What did I find? Endless, endless pages talking about ‘stages’. Ehow.com even gives you ‘Instructions’ on how to get over rape..

1. emotional shock and disbelief
2. embarrassment, shame, guilt
3. disorientation
3. anger, rage, revenge fantasies

Personally, I never felt disoriented, and I certainly never felt guilt. Emotional disbelief perhaps, but only after a a few hours of emotional weeping and definite awareness of what had happened to me. I’m very certain that I felt anger as the rape was going on. These stages seem somewhat out of order.  Maybe a different set of stages from another article would be more useful..

Again, I didn’t feel these stages in an ordered, chronological way. A lot of those emotions I did feel, but at random, and often all at once, in a big SMUSH of anguish.So what can we tell from all this? That these stages are total nonsense.  Not because everyone should deal with rape in the order that I did (not that there was an order), but that everyone deals with rape differently. My opinion on this is 90% borrowed from my very good friend Rachel’s dissertation on grief, so I thought I might as well just quote it verbatim:

“We are constrained and controlled by the manner in which we talk about things, living only within our spoken categories, as if the only choices that are open to us are those that we have uttered into existence. Therefore, if we follow Kubler-Ross [and her five stages] and see grief only in terms of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in that order – then what happens if we feel relieved, or guilty, or if we experience denial after an initial acceptance?

What tends to happen is that we feel that this is not allowed. Not allowed?! Surely we can see how ridiculous this is? But in the midst of the chaos of grief I don't think we can, and this simply adds to our distress. By spending all of our energy on attempting to follow these strict modern conceptions of grief we are actually restricting our emotions – we are not allowing ourselves to properly and fully grieve, and to do so in a manner that is comfortable and helpful for us. We are all individual and as such, each experience one has one will understand and process in a unique manner. So where could any sense possibly lie in trying to box each individual into the same grieving process? We are all going to experience and react to this differently too. We should expect, and we should be allowed, this freedom.”

I have a massive resonance with this. Whilst some of the stages found online do reference promiscuity, it doesn’t really get talked about in everyday magazines – what women are likely to have read before having been raped – so when I reacted by becoming Britain’s Biggest Slut, all I knew was that I was supposed to be terrified of men and hide in my house for the next three years. I felt like I was dealing with my rape wrongly. How awful to make someone who has already been subjected to sexual assault feel as though they should be ashamed for how they dealt with it. Apologies to male readers, but I am reminded of Meredith’s stinging retort to Derek in Grey’s Anatomy:

 ”I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke.”

Of course, my wild days weren’t quite a matter of deliberate choice, but the principle remains the same.

Why do we feel the need to label everything up, to organise and order? I think when we are confronted by something as horrific as rape, when the ground has fallen away from us because our child, wife or sister has told us that they were sexually attacked, we like to pretend that there is still a solid foundation. We dream up these stages, as if humans were all automatons just following a roadmap. As if attempting to cope with a trauma like that could be anything other than, in Rachel’s words, “the chaos of grief”. It is chaotic. We are all over the place. That is how it is supposed to happen.

When I first read Rachel’s dissertation, I disagreed with it. I wrote notes on her pages talking about how, in the chaos of grief, perhaps having a roadmap to follow would be a small comfort to me. But the problem with that idea is that you can’t choose how you grieve. You can’t decide that today will be a bargaining day, or that today I will feel anger. These emotions are triggered by what we experience every day: perhaps we walked past someone who resembled our rapist, or perhaps I had a helpful conversation with a friend and had a breakthrough.

The best thing to do is to allow that any of a whole range of emotions can occur at any time, and that these won’t always make sense. Nor will we experience one emotion, finish it, and then move onto the next. I now like to think of myself as being able to talk about my rape in a sensible manner. But my last post – Who is Mark? – left me shaken for the rest of the evening to the extent that I got out the video player and watched some of my childhood favourites, clinging to the familiar. I am far from whole, far from healed. My emotions, my feelings about the rape, fluctuate on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. But I’m not worried about that. The pain will go in time – my time."

"Upward spiral of grief

In much of today’s media, we meet the misguided idea of ‘stages of bereavement’ and the idea that we have to ‘pass through’ them to ‘acceptance.’

It is our idea to replace the idea of ‘stages’ with a picture of a spiral. The ‘Upward Spiral of Grief’ allows people to accept their feelings, to accept that these feelings may come back and that grieving is long term work. For example, if 6 months after a loss, you still feel really tearful and sad one day, you may worry that there is something wrong with you.

However, you will be in a different place to that black hole in the beginning. Your feelings will be the same, but with less intensity. You will have moved around the spiral. You have moved on and made some adjustments. By using this spiral we can alleviate the pressure of having to move on through the stages of bereavement. It may become less frightening to revisit these feelings time and time again. It does not mean that you have gone back to the black hole in the beginning.

The idea of acceptance can also be misleading. We prefer to replace it with the word ‘adjustment.’ If we bereaved are really honest, we rarely accept the loss. We learn to live with it; we change our life accordingly. But, accept? Hardly.

There is little doubt that we do share similar feelings following a bereavement, such as shock, despair, pining, denial, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, relief, sadness. It is comforting to know that these feelings are ‘normal.’ However, over the course of time the idea of stages has become misunderstood. Some people feel under enormous pressure to ‘pass through’ these stages in order to ‘move on’ and accept their loss. We argue that it is more realistic to think of grieving in an upward spiral.

At Grief Encounter we aim to dispel these myths and give people the freedom to say that life will never be the same."

- See more at: http://www.griefencounter.org.uk/adults/#sthash.XCxDN3GI.dpuf

p t s d

 What is PTSD?

PTSD is a reaction to being exposed to an event which is outside the range of normal human experience. Sometimes it is referred to as post traumatic rape syndrome too. It is a normal human emotional reaction to an abnormal situation. Everyone reacts differently to different situations and it doesn't have to be a life threatening experience for someone to respond in this way. It just has to be perceived by the victim as a traumatic event. It is a psychological phenomenon. It is an emotional condition, from which it is possible to make a full and complete recovery.

PTSD affects hundreds of thousands of people who have been exposed to violent events such as rape, domestic violence, child abuse, war, accidents, natural disasters and political torture. It is normal to be affected by trauma. There is help, and it is ok to ask for help. PTSD is not rare. It is not unusual. It is not weak to have PTSD.

Traumatic experiences bring to the fore survival skills which are valuable and useful at the time of the trauma, but which usually become less valuable, less useful and less effective with time. Sometimes survivors become stuck in problem behaviours when their pain is not acknowledged, heard, respected, or understood. Denial plays a great part here (it didn't happen, or it shouldn't affect you). Put-downs, dismissal of the pain, mis-diagnosis and other forms of secondary wounding keep survivors stuck.

Symptoms may come on soon after the trauma or fifty years later. That is what is meant by the post in PTSD. It is normal too for symptoms to come up again when faced by further trauma and in very stressful times. It is normal to be affected by trauma.

Society has it's own way of dealing with trauma which can both be belittling or denying. For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or was no big deal or continually being told it was time that they were over it, or just try and forget it ever happened cause secondary wounding in trauma survivors. It reinforces the mistrust of everyone and everything that trauma evokes in all survivors who no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just.

This ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Extreme situations which trigger this reaction again and again may cause survivors to do things in order to survive which can be hard to look back on later.

Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.

Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable. Thinking about what they have been through is so painful survivors wind up avoiding thinking about, feeling, or doing anything that reminds them of the trauma. For example, if they feel the trauma was their fault they may spend the rest of their life having to be right so they won't ever be at fault again. If they were happy when the trauma hit, they may avoid happiness forever.

Recovery

Recovery is a slow process which doesn't come easily or without pain. The survivor must be heard, feel they are understood, believed and find the ability to reconnect to a community. Recovery takes time. The survivor sets the pace. Recovery is not a race, and can't be given a set time limit. Recovery doesn't erase the trauma as if it had never happened, it just makes it easier to deal with.

Further trauma will always affect survivors. PTSD symptoms may come back during times of further stress, but the negative effects can be minimised as the survivor learns what they are and feels able to take care of themselves.. True healing is knowing it is okay to ask for help again.

Recovery is about learning better ways of coping with trauma and letting go of fear, even fear of change. Slow growth is good growth.

You can't rush survivors and we must not dismiss their pain. Instead of comparing pain, survivors and survivor groups are encouraged to respect each others pain and to focus on what they have in common and to share recovery. Each person's unique experience and pain is respected.

PTSD symptoms, numbing, hyper vigilance and flashbacks, are strong hints that you need to get help! They helped you survive, but they do not go away by themselves. People have to alter their lives to control them. They can become both ineffective and a source of constant pain.

It takes time to get better. Getting better is the reward for taking the time to recover. Getting better, however, is a slow process. The state of almost constant physiological arousal which many trauma survivors live in makes it difficult for them to take in the kind of information needed to heal. This is part of the brain chemistry of survivors. It is not resistance or stubbornness on their part. People can talk about changing but all survivors may see is their lips moving. The words and concepts make no sense. They are incapable of taking what is being said on board because they are too busy taking in information for their survival. Things like who is in the room, where are they sitting, where is the door, which is the quickest way out, do they look hostile or friendly, how are they reacting to me?

Until they start to feel safe a survivor won't be able to react to anything or anyone. They have to feel safe and feel as though there is an element of trust there. When they have been treated with respect, not discounted, not pushed to hurry up and recover, which are secondary wounding experiences and make PTSD worse, they will feel safe and know it because they will be able to hear and understand what the therapist or group is saying in a new way.

When they can hear, survivors can begin to work on safety issues. They can begin to understand and protect themselves from triggers. They can learn to handle emotions such as anger and fear. Survivors can develop the capacity to respond rather than react, like having a pause button instead of an on-off switch. 

Searching for the right help is important. You need to be comfortable enough with the therapist or group. On the other hand searching for the perfect group or a therapist who will never make a mistake can put off recovery for life. The therapist or group is not going to fix you. They will however provide you with information and a variety of coping skills, but it is you who does the work and heals.

Each person heals in their own way, there are no hard and fast rules, just as there is no pill that can cure PTSD. Yes drugs can be used to help with the side effects of PTSD, like helping sleeplessness or hyper arousal. Unfortunately there is no simple clear cut solution for such a complex phenomenon. I firmly believe that survivors have to confront what has happened to them, and by repeating this confrontation, learn to accept the trauma as part of their past. There is no magic wand. However counselling and therapy can help to find an easier path through the trauma and set you on the path to healing.

information taken from: http://www.aaets.org/article178.htm

ptsd

What is post-traumatic stress disorder?

The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) is used to name a range of symptoms you may develop in response to experiencing a traumatic event, which is outside of your 'normal' human experience. It is often a delayed response.

Just hearing news of events, such as the London bombings in July 2005, incidents in the war in Afghanistan, or the Hillsborough football stadium disaster, can have a lasting effect on you. If you are actually present during a disaster of this nature it’s likely that you will become extremely distressed.

Likewise, if you are involved in, or witness, events such as road accidents, muggings, and sexual or physical assaults, these experiences may also cause you deep emotional injury. There is no doubt that the reactions that may follow can seriously hamper and interfere with your life.

Some survivors have objected to the use of the term ‘disorder’, because they see such reactions as an entirely normal and understandable response to abnormal events. But regardless of whether the term ‘disorder’ or ‘syndrome’ is used, the diagnosis recognises that there are events and experiences that are beyond our control, and which may fill us with fear or horror, and can cause extremely disturbing psychological symptoms.

What are the symptoms?

If you have faced a traumatic experience, you may simply feel emotionally numb to begin with, and feelings of distress may not emerge straight away. But sooner or later, you are likely to develop emotional and physical reactions, and changes in behaviour, which may include some of the following: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/post-traumatic_stress_disorder

 These are all quite common reactions to a traumatic event, and many people find the symptoms will disappear in a relatively short period of time. But if they last for longer than a month, or they are very extreme, you may be given a diagnosis of PTSD.

You may also have other symptoms, such as severe anxiety, a phobia or depression. You may develop a dissociative disorder (see Mind’s booklet Understanding dissociative disorders) and suicidal feelings. There’s no time limit on distress, and some survivors may not develop post-traumatic symptoms until many years after the event.

Fearing for your life

Events in which others die, or where you thought you were going to die, may lead to more long-lasting stress responses. A study of Falkland War veterans found that people who had actually been involved in combat were most likely to get PTSD.

Harmful intentions

Man-made disasters, particularly those involving deliberate acts of violence, terrorism, or exploitation, seem to cause longer-lasting and more painful emotional consequences than natural disasters. The crucial factor may be that such experiences destroys people’s trust in others, particularly if they involve someone you have depended on.

Conscious memories

People who remain conscious throughout the experience are more vulnerable to PTSD because of the horrific memories etched on the mind, whereas those who lose consciousness or suffer head injury are protected.

Personal circumstances

Your personal history can make you more prone to PTSD. If a traumatic event triggers memories of an earlier distressing experience, the effect may be much worse. Similarly, if you are already going through emotional problems, you are also much more vulnerable.

Guilt feelings

Sometimes survivors of trauma feel guilty, as though they were responsible for the event, or could have done more to save themselves or others. One study showed that those who blamed themselves in some way for the outcome of the disaster were more at risk of severe and long-term distress.

How can I deal with a traumatic event?

After a traumatic event, people often feel numb, dazed and disorientated. Talking about what has happened to them may be the last thing they want to do. Many survivors have said that what they found most useful, to begin with, was practical advice, followed by information and support with day-to-day tasks.

Talking about your feelings may be the best way of coming to terms with the experience. Everyone will have their own unique responses, and will need to proceed at their own pace. You may turn to friends, relatives and colleagues, or seek professional help when you decide you do want to talk about what you’ve been through.

It is important that you have an opportunity to talk to someone when you are ready to do so. However, you should not be made to talk before you are ready, or even at all, if you do not want to. Research has shown that debriefing immediately after traumatic events, by making you describe every detail, may make PTSD more likely, because it may help to establish memories of the event by bringing them into the conscious mind, increasing the risk of flashbacks or nightmares.

Many people go through a period of denial after a bereavement or a traumatic event. Researchers have suggested that this allows you time away from the trauma, similar to unconsciousness. This research also suggests that challenging or interrupting this by insisting you talk about the trauma is harmful. It is also possible that while you are apparently ‘in denial’, you may subconsciously be beginning to face the trauma.

However, if you bottle up stress responses over months or years, they may become deeply ingrained and cause serious problems. You may remain in a state of extreme tension long after the trauma has passed. You may find yourself avoiding situations, in case they remind you of the trauma, so that life becomes increasingly restricted. Not uncommonly, you may turn to alcohol or drugs in an attempt to avoid painful feelings and memories. In trying to avoid the problem though, you are also avoiding getting appropriate help. There are various organisations that can provide the details of counsellors experienced in treating PTSD. For more information, see ‘Useful contacts’.

It can be very helpful for you to share your experiences with others who have been through something similar. This can be an extremely important step in moving away from isolation and towards regaining control of your life. You may find it especially useful to contact an organisation specialising in your particular type of experience; for example, soldiers who have seen combat, victims of violent crime or sexual assault, and people who have been tortured or who are refugees. (see ‘Useful contacts’).

power

“It has been said that when a woman is raped, her power is taken away. It is the belief of this writer that this notion is incorrect. The immense power within a woman cannot be destroyed, only perceived as temporarily hidden. Lasting effects of rape can be changed by support and by uncovering the power that was so cleverly concealed. So many survivors believe they are alone on a journey. Their story may be theirs… but the journey belongs to everyone.”

 

“Although a sexual assault can last minutes or hours, the lasting effects can go on for years. The act committed by another person leaves a mark on the survivor so deep that at times they may not even see it. The result is a cluster of symptoms that can only be resolved with awareness and empowerment. The spirit is amazing in it’s resilience and starts to heal the moment it becomes injured. In becoming aware of the symptoms related to the original trauma, one can begin processing the event and come to a resolution. Survivors are empowered to overcome the beliefs instilled in them during the assault. Power is then uncovered showing strength that knows no limits. The spirit may have become clouded, but it is never broken.”

http://survivorsofrape.com/

http://www.drlauraberman.com/sexual-health/rape/becoming-whole-again

healing

 

 

this information is taken from http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html

 

 

The Truth About Rape

 

According to the Federal Bureau of Investigations Uniform Crime Report, Sexual Assault is the most under-reported crime in the United States. Survivors of sexual assault are often met with intrusive questions, accusations, and fear a losing battle of "he said - she said." Although women are the majority of the survivors, sexual assault does not discriminate. For many women, it has the single most significant influence on their life without them even knowing it.

The effects of rape reach far beyond the physical injuries incurred. What transpires is a journey where trust is lost and the bedrock of lives becomes quicksand. Rape survivors experience common symptoms of flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Lack of services and under reporting leave the survivor alone in a journey along with scores of others who also feel isolated. So close to each other, yet so far away

 

 

Rape Trauma Syndrome

 

Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) was identified by Ann Wolbert Burgess and Lynda Lytle Holmstrom in the mid-seventies after studying the typical patterns of rape survivors. RTS describes a process that rape survivors go through in response to the fear experienced during a sexual assault. Although each survivor has their own experience, there are common characteristics some survivors possess. These characteristics are the direct result of the profound fear inherent in sexual assault.

The response immediately after a rape varies with each individual. This immediate response is described as the Acute Phase. The Acute Phase can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks after an assault. It is a response to a complete disruption of one's life and the horrific experience of being sexually assaulted. The Acute Phase produces as many responses as there are survivors. Some survivors may cry, others may laugh, and still others may be completely silent. As you saw with Ella, she went about her normal routine for the evening.

 

It is important to note that there is no "wrong" way to cope with the immediate after effects of sexual trauma. Each survivor is unique and will process the assault in different ways. The various responses to the initial assault fall into two categories; expressed and controlled. Survivors engaging in expressed responses are open with their emotions and are in an emotional state. Examples of expressed responses are crying, yelling, showing anger, or agitation. The second type of response is known as the controlled. Survivors engaging in this style of response contain their emotions and focus more on keeping their composure. These responses are a result of the survivor "regrouping" after the situation that has occurred. Again, neither response is superior to the other. They are both responses to trauma.

 

During the Acute Phase survivors may feel disbelief or in some way frozen. It has also been described as if survivors "left their body," forever being unable to reconnect with the woman or man who was raped. Survivors may feel humiliated, confused, dirty, ashamed, or in some way at fault for the assault; especially in the case where the assailant was an acquaintance. Physical concerns may arise during the acute phase as well. These concerns may be the direct result of the assault (i.e. bruising or soreness) or fear of the possible physical ramifications of the assault (i.e. pregnancy or STD's).

 

 

The Acute Phase can be described as the world turning upside down. Everything that was in place has fallen in disarray. The basic orientation to life has been lost by the survivor. This disturbance can result in nightmares, heightened anxiety, or a complete disconnection from ones emotions.
 

 

After the Acute Phase, comes the Reorganisation Phase where the survivor attempts to reorganise her life. This phase invites a myriad of emotions such as fear, anxiety, denial, and most of all the loss of security. The shattering of security as well as trust is inherent in sexual assault. This loss of the fundamental need for security wreaks havoc on the survivor's life. The feeling of being unsafe looms over the survivor causing a heightened state of anxiety, difficulty with intimate relationships, and hypervigilence such as constantly checking ones surroundings.

The loss of trust coupled with feelings of being unsafe chip away at the personal relationships surrounding the survivor. Relationships suffer as a result of the survivor's isolating from their support system either physically or emotionally. The survivor may feel a general disconnection from peers as a result of the perceived unique experience. The shattering of trust can cause intimate relationships to be diluted as survivors may have a heightened suspicion of other's motives and feelings.

 

 

During the Reorganization Phase, the survivor attempts to reorganize his or her life and create the world that she or he once knew. Despite best efforts though, this phase is often riddled with feelings of guilt and shame. The survivor's attempt to get back to his or her routine is often plagued with feelings of anxiety and fear. She may attempt to return to normal social functioning (i.e. go out to social engagements), yet may find herself unable to do so. His or her attempts to re-establish in relationships may be hindered by lack of trust.

Long term reactions to sexual assault may also include the inability to find peace within this world. Sexual assault can change the individual forever as well as the world as they know it. The end result is a constant state of turmoil. At times, the survivor may not even recognize what is happening within. Sexual assault causes the body to be an unfriendly environment leading the survivor to at times feel dirty and ashamed. These feelings cause the individual to disconnect from their body entirely. Without a connection to their body, the survivor is unable to listen to internal states which assist her in navigating through the world. This contributes to a feeling inherent in many survivors, the feeling of being "lost."

 

 

Sexual Assault and the Body

 

The words "the scene of the crime" speak volumes in criminal investigations and movies. In the case of sexual assault, despite where the event occurred, the scene of the crime is the body itself. The body then becomes less of a vessel for the spirit, and more of an enemy always reminding them of what they long to forget. Resolution of the sexual assault requires the body to be empowered. Forming a loving relationship between survivors and their bodies will enhance their ability to care for themselves as well as live with less anger and fear.

During a traumatic experience, the body morphs into a different creature, one who of which better equipped to handle the situation. An assault at this level is then captured by this "creature within" who holds onto it to protect the individual from having to deal with such an emotional upheaval. Although its intentions are noble, it can only hold on to so long. Eventually, the memories and feelings start leaking out, causing the body to remember what the mind has forgotten.

The results are body-based symptoms which may not be recognized by the survivor as having a root in the assault. Survivors may have increased somatic complaints long after the original assault. These complaints may come in the form of gastrointestinal problems, migraines, or chronic pain. Sexual problems may also occur such as pain during intercourse.

 

 

Intrusive Symptoms

 

As stated above, the disconnection from one's body causes symptoms to leak into the survivor's life without his or her consent. These are known as intrusive symptoms. They are appropriately named as they intrude upon one's life. One symptom known to many survivors is a "flashback." This is when the survivor flashes back in to a memory of the assault. Survivors may feel as if they are seeing it or feeling it all over again. Intense fear surrounds these flashbacks as the survivor is not able to predict or control when they will occur.

Ella suffered from a common symptom of sleep disturbance. Survivors may have trouble falling asleep due to their racing thoughts or inability to calm their body. Some may attempt to put off sleep, knowing that nightmares are most likely going to wake them up in the middle of the night. This lack of rest only serves to compound the symptoms during the day.

Survivors may also experience extreme emotions that may not match the situation at hand. For example, some survivors may have more of a "quick temper" after the assault. Many are prone to depression or heightened anxiety. What was a "normal" worry is now an obsession that renders them fearful or impulsive. Feelings are internal cues that tell information about the world and what we are experiencing. For the survivor of sexual assault, feelings are more "flood gates" that tend to open with the slightest provocation.

 

Arousal Symptoms

 

Sexual assault can rob a survivor of their safety. This feeling of not being safe lasts long after the assault. It's this lingering feeling that causes a survivor to have what is called arousal symptoms. A common arousal symptom is known as an exaggerated startle response. If you have ever seen a scary movie, you can relate to being "on the edge of your seat." This feeling may be entertaining for a short time for some (hence the majority of the movies are action packed), but to sustain this state is both exhausting and damaging to the survivor.

A common arousal symptom seen in rape survivors is hypervigilence. When individuals feel safe, they are able to attune to what they choose to focus on. In the past, however, dangerous things happened "out of nowhere." In order to protect the body, the individual is hypervigilent to his or her surroundings, always attuned to what is going on in the background. This hypervigilence may be exhausting to the survivor as well as those around her. He or she may be accused of having a lack of attention or focus.

 

Avoidance Traits

 

Sexual assault creates an internal environment so scary that survivors may avoid any reminders of the event. Avoidance symptoms are behaviorsof which a survivor engages in to avoid reminders of the event. When referencing "reminders," though, one needs to recognize all that was connected with the assault. To illustrate, if one was raped in a park, they may avoid large open spaces. They may be triggered also by trees, the sound of birds, or a swing set that was near during the assault. Perhaps the assailant was wearing a certain cologne; in this case one may avoid smells including lotions, department stores, or other places where their senses may get triggered.

 

Emotions that may have been present during or after the assault may be avoided as well. For instance, survivors may avoid feelings of sadness or fear as they connect them to the assault. They may see them as signs of weakness and may correlate it with being vulnerable. Many survivors will avoid putting themselves in any vulnerable place even if it is showing emotion or letting go of a secret. A vulnerable position may lead to physical and emotional pain. Survivors will go to great lengths to ensure that the situation does not get recreated. Hence, survivors may work on escaping or avoiding both physically and emotionally vulnerable situations at all cost.

 

Avoidance issues can cripple a survivor emotionally as they have taken themselves out of important facets of life. Survivors of gang rape or date rape may avoid gatherings or large crowds. Intimate friends and partners are now no longer trusted. The survivor becomes more and more isolated from their peers as well as their own emotional experiences. Ella found the peer interaction to be too overwhelming and chose to retreat. Prolonged avoidance of dealing with the trauma of rape can lead a survivor to "hide out," causing them to work long hours, and/or become obsessed with isolated behaviors such as eating or exercising.

 

As the survivor attempts to avoid the difficult feelings associated with rape and its aftermath, many increase their use of mood altering substances. They may use alcohol or drugs to blanket the feelings of anxiety or fear. Many find mood altering substances initially comforting as they produce a feeling of safety. Others find that the only way for them to fall asleep through external means such as a substance. The flashbacks are then contained with drugs or alcohol. The amount needed to numb the pain or contain the memories increases until they become addicted. Many identify this as a problem and seek to lessen their drug and alcohol use. However, the less they use, the more symptoms of the sexual assault may come up. In these instances, the need for treatment of substance abuse as well as the assault is needed concurrently.

 

Negative Cognitions Associated with Rape Trauma

 

Although some survivors are able to connect their present feelings and symptoms to the original trauma, many survivors use present day problems to explain unhappiness. For example, they may not identify the deep rooted trust issues of which they may struggle. Instead, they believe that their present relationships are "not working out." A good look at an individual's life will reveal the true beliefs they have about themselves and the world. When one doesn't feel worthy, it leads them to construe situations to confirm their unworthiness.

 

In life, there are certain "rules" we use in society to create a safe and predictable world. For instance, the fact that the sky is blue has become a "rule" in our head ever since we first learned our colors. We then use this fact as a reference point to determine whether or not something is amiss in our world. We have also learned that a gray sky typically produces rain. In this case, our world becomes predictable. If the sky is blue, there is little chance of rain. If the sky is gray, we need to prepare for rain.

 

Additional "rules" and guidelines lay within the human mind. These rules are called "cognitions" or "beliefs." They are beliefs about oneself which are perceived to be true based on one's experience. Some common beliefs are that people are good, the world is relatively safe, sex is pleasurable, and we are in control of our environment. A sexual assault can change these beliefs at the core of the human being. These beliefs infiltrate the survivor's life without the conscience being aware. The beliefs then morph into the feelings that people are bad, the world is not safe, sex is something that hurts, and the environment is out of control. These beliefs about oneself and the body then polarize the survivor from their body or their world. However, rarely are survivors able to articulate that they feel their body is an enemy. Instead, they present with eating disorders, substance abuse, or self injurious behaviors.



lighter fluid

Nancy Venable Raine describes finding the pair of underwear that she was wearing when she was raped, and her subsequent experience with anger:

"I stood up slowly, as if not to wake the forces that I had unwrapped, and went to the kitchen for a baking sheet, a can of lighter fluid, a box of long kitchen matches, and a soup spoon. I put the newspaper and its contents on the tray and slipped down the stairs and out the back hallway door. I carried everything outside to a corner of the garden near the pond where the ducks were gliding on the dark, still water. I placed the wood and the underpants on top of the newspaper, doused them with lighter fluid, and struck a match. I watched what happened.

Then I imagined the worst thing I have ever imagined: the man who had raped me burning up alive. I imagined his screams of agony, his hideous pain. I saw the fat under his dirty skin crackling in the flames. A terrible pleasure consumed me. "Die," I said, over and over.

Until this moment, I had not allowed myself to feel my hatred. Now my body felt huge and powerful. It felt good to be a monster, very good. My mind-all thoughts and feelings-seemed to vanish into the pleasure of the pain I gave him. His pain, my pleasure made a perfect desolation. I relished it...I thought I was fine now that I had killed my underpants."


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What felt [safe] was to tell her how furious I was that the rapist had driven me to a shrink. It was his fault I was falling apart. I told Helen that my rape was 'worse than death,' and that I felt the rapist had destroyed my life, that I could never rebuild it. 'Never, never,' I said. I hate him with my entire being. I wanted to see him dead. I wanted to kill him myself. I had never expressed my rage to another human being this directly. It was no longer deflected onto someone or something else in my life. It was the rapist I hated that night.

N. Raine

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“To live in a culture in which women are routinely naked where men aren't is to learn inequality in little ways all day long. So even if we agree that sexual imagery is in fact a language, it is clearly one that is already heavily edited to protect men's sexual--and hence social--confidence while undermining that of women.”

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One result of turning a blind eye to the horrors of the world, because you can stand only so much, is that you end up forgetting that each individual who is subjected to heinous suffering is your fellow, your equal, and that you could have been in their shoes, and that he or she could one day have become your friend.

Michel Fitoussi Stolen Lives: Twenty

Years in a Desert Jail

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women did not invent dust. the sticky residue that collects on the kettle does not come out of women's vaginas. it is not oestrogen that covers the dinner plates in tomato sauce, fishfinger crumbs and bits of mash. my uterus did not run upstairs and throw all of the kids' clothes on the floor and put jam on the banister. and it's not my tits that have skewed the global economy towards domestic work for women.

caitlin moran