christianity

What is a good enough reason for divorce? Well, according to  Rick Warren’s Saddleback church, divorce is only permitted in cases of adultery or abandonment—as these are the only cases permitted in the Bible—and never for abuse.

As teaching pastor Tom Holladay explains , spousal abuse should be dealt with by temporary separation and church marriage counseling designed to bring about reconciliation between the couple. But to qualify for that separation, your spouse must be in the “habit of beating you regularly,” and not be simply someone who “grabbed you once.”

“How many beatings would have to take place in order to qualify as regularly?” asks Jocelyn Andersen, a Christian domestic violence survivor and advocate, author of the 2007 book Woman Submit! Christians and Domestic Violence , an indictment of church teachings of wifely submission and male headship. As she sees it, by convincing women that leaving their relationships is not an option, these teachings have laid the ground for a domestic violence epidemic within the church.

Andersen writes from personal experience, describing an episode of being held hostage by her husband—an associate pastor in their Kansas Baptist church—for close to twenty hours after he’d nearly fractured her skull. Andersen was raised in the Southern Baptist Convention, where she heard an unremitting message of “submission, submission, submission.” She saw this continual focus reflected in her ex-husband’s denunciations, while he detained her, of women who wanted to “rule over men.” Though Andersen was rescued by her church’s pastor, who had his assistant pastor arrested himself, she says other churchwomen aren’t so lucky, particularly when churches tell couples to attend joint marriage counseling under lay ministry leaders with no specific training for abuse survivors, who instead offer an unswerving prescription of submission and headship, often telling women to learn to submit “better.”

taken from: http://www.religiondispatches.org/archive/1007/biblical_battered_wife_syndrome%3A_christian_women_and_domestic_violence

"When considering Religion and Domestic Violence we have to realise that religious or spiritual factors are central to the victim's understanding and response. His/her own faith and the support of Church members can be vital in helping the healing process, while a lack of understanding regarding the Biblical perspective on abusive relationships by the victim or those he/she turns to for spiritual guidance and support can add to the emotional, physical and financial hurdles already faced. 

Many women in abusive relationships feel they ought to submit to their husbands out of duty, that they have no right over their own body, life or even opinions. Quite often this misconception is furthered by advice from clergy, elders, rabbis or other members of the Church or congregation. Some men may feel trapped by their beliefs in an abusive relationship, unsure of their position towards their wives or girl-friends. Some men may feel that unless they lord it over their partners, they are not doing as they ought to in the sight of God, that their position is one of Master, of Lord of the household. Often quotations or excerpts from the Bible are used to justify abusive behaviour, or the suppression by one member of the household of another. This in itself is a form of spiritual abuse.

Christian victims of domestic violence face the same hurdles to leaving an abusive relationship as do other victims, but they also have religious or biblical concerns, which make it difficult even getting to the stage of admitting abuse is happening without fearing 'eternal condemnation'. We may also ask ourselves whether our experience within the relationship is what God intended for us, whether being fearful in our marriage is an aspect of love?

One of the main dilemnas facing both the victim of abuse and the Church leaders and/or members when dealing with the perpetrator of Domestic Violence, is the question of Forgiveness. Should we forgive the abuser unconditionally? How do we tell if repentance has taken place? Should the acts be forgiven and forgotten? For the victim, is it her/his duty to forgive each incident, act as though nothing had happened and continue to put herself/himself at risk from the abuser? Do we need to be forgiven ourselves and is that forgiveness available to us?"

Below is an account by a Christian woman describing some of the spiritual struggles she faced dealing with an abusive relationship. 

Spiritual Obstacles to Leaving Abuse

One of the things which is often not appreciated is just how difficult it is for a victim of abuse to come to terms with the various spiritual obstacles to leaving abuse they have to overcome before taking action (in addition to all the 'normal' obstacles common to believers and non-believers alike), let alone even to get to the stage of confiding in other Church members or clergy.

Thinking back to my own experiences and spiritual struggles, I would like to point out some of the issues I struggled with, which kept me silent for much too long, prevented me from seeking help or taking advantage of the protection offered by the law of the land and the Police. Hence this is written from my perspective, that of a Christian wife, married to an abusive Christian husband:

There are many Scriptural reasons which prevented me from speaking out and seeking help and which left me confused about my position regarding the abuse, including the belief that we should not go to law against our Brother (1 Cor. 6:5-7), hence even where the law of the land could help to protect us from the violence or assaults we are experiencing, we deny ourselves that protection.

we should submit to our husband as unto Christ (Eph. 5:22,24; Col. 3:18), even where our husband is not acting in a Christ-like manner (1 Pet. 3:1) our body no longer belongs to us but to our husband - what right do we therefore have to object to his treatment of it/us? (1 Cor. 7:4) - this is especially a problem if we are the victims of sexual abuse or marital rape ... do we have a right to object to our husbands using our bodies sexually against our will or is that defrauding him? we must not separate ourselves from our husbands, but are bound for life by marriage (1 Cor. 7:10,39) - hence even moving into a refuge or safehouse to escape the abuse is not an option we would consider as that would seem to be a separating of ourselves from our husband.

we should forgive each other (Mat. 18:21,22 and countless others) and should repay evil with good, allowing ourselves to be defrauded and turn the other cheek (1 Pet. 3:9; Rom. 12:17; 1 Thes. 5:15 and Mat. 5:39) - so each time we are abused or assaulted, we forgive our husband, try to blot it out from our minds, try to be a better wife to him and put our trust in him again.
when faced with troubles, we should pray about it, and if we have enough faith, the prayer will have results (Jas. 5:13-16; Mat. 17:20) – if therefore the abuse continues after prayer, the fault must lie with us, our lack of faith or selfish motives, for it says: "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives" (Jas. 4:3)

we believe that we reap what we sow, hence the abuse must be due to our sinfulness (Gal. 6:7; Ecc. 11:1 and many more)

if we are truly trying to follow our Lord, then we keep no record of wrongs, but try to continue to love and act out that love (1 Cor. 13:4-7)
 

Added to that, what examples do we find in Scripture?
 

Hagar was suffering abuse at the hands of her mistress, and was told to go back and submit herself when she fled the abuse (Gen. 16:6)

Job suffered, though he was righteous – should we too not accept good from God and not trouble? (Job 2:10)

Many OT prophets suffered, and bore it with patience, and they should be an example to us (Jas. 5:10,11)

Time and again we read about suffering, and the need to bear it (1 Pet. 2: 19-21; 3:14,17 and 4:19) and in some way that suffering is for our own good (1 Pet. 1:6,7; Rom. 5:3-5 and Is. 38:17)

We believe that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13), and hence that no matter how hard the abuse, we can bear it and it is a lack of faith to give up and escape it, but God will find the solution and end it.

And we also believe that "all things work together for good to those who love God"(Rom. 8:28), hence if it does not look too 'good' it must be our love that is lacking, the fault is ours. On one hand we realise that our husband is being overtaken in a fault, and we have a duty to try to prevent him from sinning (Gal. 6:1), on the other hand, we feel responsible for the abuse, as though we were the ones causing our Christian husband to stumble and sin (Mark 9:42,43) hence the fault lies with us, and we need to do the changing. What right then do we have to object to the speck in our brother's eye, when we have a mote in our own? (Mat. 7:4-5) How can we throw the first stone? (John 8:7).

There are also other spiritual obstacles to leaving abuse to overcome, which are specific to our Community and similar ones:

we are reticent about approaching or seeking help from the 'World', for is not friendship with the World, enmity to God? (Jas. 4:4)

Nor do we want to admit to that type of problem, because we like to portray ourselves – the Christian Churches – as being separate and unaffected by worldly problems, we don't want to let the side down and admit our imperfections, or bring the "Truth" or our church into disrepute.
We should not be a bad example to younger members, or even our children, by giving up and ended a marriage - even one which is abusive.

Since the issues of abuse are still largely taboo within Christian Churches, we feel as though we must be the faulty ones to appear to be the only ones to be experiencing this.
We do not want to blacken our husband's name among our spiritual Brothers and Sisters, don't want them to be thought of badly, or suffer the condemnation of their spiritual and Church family. Despite the abuse, we still love them, and would rather suffer ourselves than see them suffer.

We do not want to bring shame on our Christian husband or the Community, and feel that to speak out about it, break the silence, would bring shame, rather than realising that it is the abuse itself which does so ... how often is the messenger blamed for the message?

We fear not being believed even if we do speak out, especially where our husband is a well-respected speaker, holds an office within the Church, or where we have come in from the outside and so automatically get less credence than if we had grown up in the 'nurture and admonition of the Lord'.

I could go on and on about the various spiritual obstacles to leaving abuse we face, but will leave it at that for now. Suffice it to say, before the Church is a position to act either in trying to help the abuser to own his/her actions and heal, or in support of the victim of abuse, there is a very long, hard spiritual journey for the victim just in being able to admit the abuse for what it is, let alone speak out about it and bring the problem before the Church.

taken from: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/spiritual_obstacles_to_leaving_abuse.html

healing

 

 

this information is taken from http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html

 

 

The Truth About Rape

 

According to the Federal Bureau of Investigations Uniform Crime Report, Sexual Assault is the most under-reported crime in the United States. Survivors of sexual assault are often met with intrusive questions, accusations, and fear a losing battle of "he said - she said." Although women are the majority of the survivors, sexual assault does not discriminate. For many women, it has the single most significant influence on their life without them even knowing it.

The effects of rape reach far beyond the physical injuries incurred. What transpires is a journey where trust is lost and the bedrock of lives becomes quicksand. Rape survivors experience common symptoms of flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Lack of services and under reporting leave the survivor alone in a journey along with scores of others who also feel isolated. So close to each other, yet so far away

 

 

Rape Trauma Syndrome

 

Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) was identified by Ann Wolbert Burgess and Lynda Lytle Holmstrom in the mid-seventies after studying the typical patterns of rape survivors. RTS describes a process that rape survivors go through in response to the fear experienced during a sexual assault. Although each survivor has their own experience, there are common characteristics some survivors possess. These characteristics are the direct result of the profound fear inherent in sexual assault.

The response immediately after a rape varies with each individual. This immediate response is described as the Acute Phase. The Acute Phase can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks after an assault. It is a response to a complete disruption of one's life and the horrific experience of being sexually assaulted. The Acute Phase produces as many responses as there are survivors. Some survivors may cry, others may laugh, and still others may be completely silent. As you saw with Ella, she went about her normal routine for the evening.

 

It is important to note that there is no "wrong" way to cope with the immediate after effects of sexual trauma. Each survivor is unique and will process the assault in different ways. The various responses to the initial assault fall into two categories; expressed and controlled. Survivors engaging in expressed responses are open with their emotions and are in an emotional state. Examples of expressed responses are crying, yelling, showing anger, or agitation. The second type of response is known as the controlled. Survivors engaging in this style of response contain their emotions and focus more on keeping their composure. These responses are a result of the survivor "regrouping" after the situation that has occurred. Again, neither response is superior to the other. They are both responses to trauma.

 

During the Acute Phase survivors may feel disbelief or in some way frozen. It has also been described as if survivors "left their body," forever being unable to reconnect with the woman or man who was raped. Survivors may feel humiliated, confused, dirty, ashamed, or in some way at fault for the assault; especially in the case where the assailant was an acquaintance. Physical concerns may arise during the acute phase as well. These concerns may be the direct result of the assault (i.e. bruising or soreness) or fear of the possible physical ramifications of the assault (i.e. pregnancy or STD's).

 

 

The Acute Phase can be described as the world turning upside down. Everything that was in place has fallen in disarray. The basic orientation to life has been lost by the survivor. This disturbance can result in nightmares, heightened anxiety, or a complete disconnection from ones emotions.
 

 

After the Acute Phase, comes the Reorganisation Phase where the survivor attempts to reorganise her life. This phase invites a myriad of emotions such as fear, anxiety, denial, and most of all the loss of security. The shattering of security as well as trust is inherent in sexual assault. This loss of the fundamental need for security wreaks havoc on the survivor's life. The feeling of being unsafe looms over the survivor causing a heightened state of anxiety, difficulty with intimate relationships, and hypervigilence such as constantly checking ones surroundings.

The loss of trust coupled with feelings of being unsafe chip away at the personal relationships surrounding the survivor. Relationships suffer as a result of the survivor's isolating from their support system either physically or emotionally. The survivor may feel a general disconnection from peers as a result of the perceived unique experience. The shattering of trust can cause intimate relationships to be diluted as survivors may have a heightened suspicion of other's motives and feelings.

 

 

During the Reorganization Phase, the survivor attempts to reorganize his or her life and create the world that she or he once knew. Despite best efforts though, this phase is often riddled with feelings of guilt and shame. The survivor's attempt to get back to his or her routine is often plagued with feelings of anxiety and fear. She may attempt to return to normal social functioning (i.e. go out to social engagements), yet may find herself unable to do so. His or her attempts to re-establish in relationships may be hindered by lack of trust.

Long term reactions to sexual assault may also include the inability to find peace within this world. Sexual assault can change the individual forever as well as the world as they know it. The end result is a constant state of turmoil. At times, the survivor may not even recognize what is happening within. Sexual assault causes the body to be an unfriendly environment leading the survivor to at times feel dirty and ashamed. These feelings cause the individual to disconnect from their body entirely. Without a connection to their body, the survivor is unable to listen to internal states which assist her in navigating through the world. This contributes to a feeling inherent in many survivors, the feeling of being "lost."

 

 

Sexual Assault and the Body

 

The words "the scene of the crime" speak volumes in criminal investigations and movies. In the case of sexual assault, despite where the event occurred, the scene of the crime is the body itself. The body then becomes less of a vessel for the spirit, and more of an enemy always reminding them of what they long to forget. Resolution of the sexual assault requires the body to be empowered. Forming a loving relationship between survivors and their bodies will enhance their ability to care for themselves as well as live with less anger and fear.

During a traumatic experience, the body morphs into a different creature, one who of which better equipped to handle the situation. An assault at this level is then captured by this "creature within" who holds onto it to protect the individual from having to deal with such an emotional upheaval. Although its intentions are noble, it can only hold on to so long. Eventually, the memories and feelings start leaking out, causing the body to remember what the mind has forgotten.

The results are body-based symptoms which may not be recognized by the survivor as having a root in the assault. Survivors may have increased somatic complaints long after the original assault. These complaints may come in the form of gastrointestinal problems, migraines, or chronic pain. Sexual problems may also occur such as pain during intercourse.

 

 

Intrusive Symptoms

 

As stated above, the disconnection from one's body causes symptoms to leak into the survivor's life without his or her consent. These are known as intrusive symptoms. They are appropriately named as they intrude upon one's life. One symptom known to many survivors is a "flashback." This is when the survivor flashes back in to a memory of the assault. Survivors may feel as if they are seeing it or feeling it all over again. Intense fear surrounds these flashbacks as the survivor is not able to predict or control when they will occur.

Ella suffered from a common symptom of sleep disturbance. Survivors may have trouble falling asleep due to their racing thoughts or inability to calm their body. Some may attempt to put off sleep, knowing that nightmares are most likely going to wake them up in the middle of the night. This lack of rest only serves to compound the symptoms during the day.

Survivors may also experience extreme emotions that may not match the situation at hand. For example, some survivors may have more of a "quick temper" after the assault. Many are prone to depression or heightened anxiety. What was a "normal" worry is now an obsession that renders them fearful or impulsive. Feelings are internal cues that tell information about the world and what we are experiencing. For the survivor of sexual assault, feelings are more "flood gates" that tend to open with the slightest provocation.

 

Arousal Symptoms

 

Sexual assault can rob a survivor of their safety. This feeling of not being safe lasts long after the assault. It's this lingering feeling that causes a survivor to have what is called arousal symptoms. A common arousal symptom is known as an exaggerated startle response. If you have ever seen a scary movie, you can relate to being "on the edge of your seat." This feeling may be entertaining for a short time for some (hence the majority of the movies are action packed), but to sustain this state is both exhausting and damaging to the survivor.

A common arousal symptom seen in rape survivors is hypervigilence. When individuals feel safe, they are able to attune to what they choose to focus on. In the past, however, dangerous things happened "out of nowhere." In order to protect the body, the individual is hypervigilent to his or her surroundings, always attuned to what is going on in the background. This hypervigilence may be exhausting to the survivor as well as those around her. He or she may be accused of having a lack of attention or focus.

 

Avoidance Traits

 

Sexual assault creates an internal environment so scary that survivors may avoid any reminders of the event. Avoidance symptoms are behaviorsof which a survivor engages in to avoid reminders of the event. When referencing "reminders," though, one needs to recognize all that was connected with the assault. To illustrate, if one was raped in a park, they may avoid large open spaces. They may be triggered also by trees, the sound of birds, or a swing set that was near during the assault. Perhaps the assailant was wearing a certain cologne; in this case one may avoid smells including lotions, department stores, or other places where their senses may get triggered.

 

Emotions that may have been present during or after the assault may be avoided as well. For instance, survivors may avoid feelings of sadness or fear as they connect them to the assault. They may see them as signs of weakness and may correlate it with being vulnerable. Many survivors will avoid putting themselves in any vulnerable place even if it is showing emotion or letting go of a secret. A vulnerable position may lead to physical and emotional pain. Survivors will go to great lengths to ensure that the situation does not get recreated. Hence, survivors may work on escaping or avoiding both physically and emotionally vulnerable situations at all cost.

 

Avoidance issues can cripple a survivor emotionally as they have taken themselves out of important facets of life. Survivors of gang rape or date rape may avoid gatherings or large crowds. Intimate friends and partners are now no longer trusted. The survivor becomes more and more isolated from their peers as well as their own emotional experiences. Ella found the peer interaction to be too overwhelming and chose to retreat. Prolonged avoidance of dealing with the trauma of rape can lead a survivor to "hide out," causing them to work long hours, and/or become obsessed with isolated behaviors such as eating or exercising.

 

As the survivor attempts to avoid the difficult feelings associated with rape and its aftermath, many increase their use of mood altering substances. They may use alcohol or drugs to blanket the feelings of anxiety or fear. Many find mood altering substances initially comforting as they produce a feeling of safety. Others find that the only way for them to fall asleep through external means such as a substance. The flashbacks are then contained with drugs or alcohol. The amount needed to numb the pain or contain the memories increases until they become addicted. Many identify this as a problem and seek to lessen their drug and alcohol use. However, the less they use, the more symptoms of the sexual assault may come up. In these instances, the need for treatment of substance abuse as well as the assault is needed concurrently.

 

Negative Cognitions Associated with Rape Trauma

 

Although some survivors are able to connect their present feelings and symptoms to the original trauma, many survivors use present day problems to explain unhappiness. For example, they may not identify the deep rooted trust issues of which they may struggle. Instead, they believe that their present relationships are "not working out." A good look at an individual's life will reveal the true beliefs they have about themselves and the world. When one doesn't feel worthy, it leads them to construe situations to confirm their unworthiness.

 

In life, there are certain "rules" we use in society to create a safe and predictable world. For instance, the fact that the sky is blue has become a "rule" in our head ever since we first learned our colors. We then use this fact as a reference point to determine whether or not something is amiss in our world. We have also learned that a gray sky typically produces rain. In this case, our world becomes predictable. If the sky is blue, there is little chance of rain. If the sky is gray, we need to prepare for rain.

 

Additional "rules" and guidelines lay within the human mind. These rules are called "cognitions" or "beliefs." They are beliefs about oneself which are perceived to be true based on one's experience. Some common beliefs are that people are good, the world is relatively safe, sex is pleasurable, and we are in control of our environment. A sexual assault can change these beliefs at the core of the human being. These beliefs infiltrate the survivor's life without the conscience being aware. The beliefs then morph into the feelings that people are bad, the world is not safe, sex is something that hurts, and the environment is out of control. These beliefs about oneself and the body then polarize the survivor from their body or their world. However, rarely are survivors able to articulate that they feel their body is an enemy. Instead, they present with eating disorders, substance abuse, or self injurious behaviors.