grief after rape

The following post is taken from: https://ivebeenstrippedbythis.wordpress.com/tag/five-stages-of-grief/

"..I was trying to come up with a list of helpful websites to put up that looked at the long-term consequences of rape. What did I find? Endless, endless pages talking about ‘stages’. Ehow.com even gives you ‘Instructions’ on how to get over rape..

1. emotional shock and disbelief
2. embarrassment, shame, guilt
3. disorientation
3. anger, rage, revenge fantasies

Personally, I never felt disoriented, and I certainly never felt guilt. Emotional disbelief perhaps, but only after a a few hours of emotional weeping and definite awareness of what had happened to me. I’m very certain that I felt anger as the rape was going on. These stages seem somewhat out of order.  Maybe a different set of stages from another article would be more useful..

Again, I didn’t feel these stages in an ordered, chronological way. A lot of those emotions I did feel, but at random, and often all at once, in a big SMUSH of anguish.So what can we tell from all this? That these stages are total nonsense.  Not because everyone should deal with rape in the order that I did (not that there was an order), but that everyone deals with rape differently. My opinion on this is 90% borrowed from my very good friend Rachel’s dissertation on grief, so I thought I might as well just quote it verbatim:

“We are constrained and controlled by the manner in which we talk about things, living only within our spoken categories, as if the only choices that are open to us are those that we have uttered into existence. Therefore, if we follow Kubler-Ross [and her five stages] and see grief only in terms of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in that order – then what happens if we feel relieved, or guilty, or if we experience denial after an initial acceptance?

What tends to happen is that we feel that this is not allowed. Not allowed?! Surely we can see how ridiculous this is? But in the midst of the chaos of grief I don't think we can, and this simply adds to our distress. By spending all of our energy on attempting to follow these strict modern conceptions of grief we are actually restricting our emotions – we are not allowing ourselves to properly and fully grieve, and to do so in a manner that is comfortable and helpful for us. We are all individual and as such, each experience one has one will understand and process in a unique manner. So where could any sense possibly lie in trying to box each individual into the same grieving process? We are all going to experience and react to this differently too. We should expect, and we should be allowed, this freedom.”

I have a massive resonance with this. Whilst some of the stages found online do reference promiscuity, it doesn’t really get talked about in everyday magazines – what women are likely to have read before having been raped – so when I reacted by becoming Britain’s Biggest Slut, all I knew was that I was supposed to be terrified of men and hide in my house for the next three years. I felt like I was dealing with my rape wrongly. How awful to make someone who has already been subjected to sexual assault feel as though they should be ashamed for how they dealt with it. Apologies to male readers, but I am reminded of Meredith’s stinging retort to Derek in Grey’s Anatomy:

 ”I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke.”

Of course, my wild days weren’t quite a matter of deliberate choice, but the principle remains the same.

Why do we feel the need to label everything up, to organise and order? I think when we are confronted by something as horrific as rape, when the ground has fallen away from us because our child, wife or sister has told us that they were sexually attacked, we like to pretend that there is still a solid foundation. We dream up these stages, as if humans were all automatons just following a roadmap. As if attempting to cope with a trauma like that could be anything other than, in Rachel’s words, “the chaos of grief”. It is chaotic. We are all over the place. That is how it is supposed to happen.

When I first read Rachel’s dissertation, I disagreed with it. I wrote notes on her pages talking about how, in the chaos of grief, perhaps having a roadmap to follow would be a small comfort to me. But the problem with that idea is that you can’t choose how you grieve. You can’t decide that today will be a bargaining day, or that today I will feel anger. These emotions are triggered by what we experience every day: perhaps we walked past someone who resembled our rapist, or perhaps I had a helpful conversation with a friend and had a breakthrough.

The best thing to do is to allow that any of a whole range of emotions can occur at any time, and that these won’t always make sense. Nor will we experience one emotion, finish it, and then move onto the next. I now like to think of myself as being able to talk about my rape in a sensible manner. But my last post – Who is Mark? – left me shaken for the rest of the evening to the extent that I got out the video player and watched some of my childhood favourites, clinging to the familiar. I am far from whole, far from healed. My emotions, my feelings about the rape, fluctuate on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. But I’m not worried about that. The pain will go in time – my time."

"Upward spiral of grief

In much of today’s media, we meet the misguided idea of ‘stages of bereavement’ and the idea that we have to ‘pass through’ them to ‘acceptance.’

It is our idea to replace the idea of ‘stages’ with a picture of a spiral. The ‘Upward Spiral of Grief’ allows people to accept their feelings, to accept that these feelings may come back and that grieving is long term work. For example, if 6 months after a loss, you still feel really tearful and sad one day, you may worry that there is something wrong with you.

However, you will be in a different place to that black hole in the beginning. Your feelings will be the same, but with less intensity. You will have moved around the spiral. You have moved on and made some adjustments. By using this spiral we can alleviate the pressure of having to move on through the stages of bereavement. It may become less frightening to revisit these feelings time and time again. It does not mean that you have gone back to the black hole in the beginning.

The idea of acceptance can also be misleading. We prefer to replace it with the word ‘adjustment.’ If we bereaved are really honest, we rarely accept the loss. We learn to live with it; we change our life accordingly. But, accept? Hardly.

There is little doubt that we do share similar feelings following a bereavement, such as shock, despair, pining, denial, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, relief, sadness. It is comforting to know that these feelings are ‘normal.’ However, over the course of time the idea of stages has become misunderstood. Some people feel under enormous pressure to ‘pass through’ these stages in order to ‘move on’ and accept their loss. We argue that it is more realistic to think of grieving in an upward spiral.

At Grief Encounter we aim to dispel these myths and give people the freedom to say that life will never be the same."

- See more at: http://www.griefencounter.org.uk/adults/#sthash.XCxDN3GI.dpuf

helping

A Man’s Guide to helping a Woman 

who has been raped 

"How this guide will help. 

 Rape is an act of violence which occurs when someone takes control over another by the use of physical threats or force, or by exploiting another person’s inability to give or withhold 

consent for sex. While it is true that both women and men can be raped, it is most commonly done to females by males. Sexual assault (and attempted rape) is the fastest-growing crime in 

America, yet receives little helpful attention by media, educators, or politicians. Since rapes are usually unreported, nobody knows exactly how many actually happen each year, but estimates are that more than a half-million occur annually, or about 78 per hour. 

 Even though there is little public attention to rape, there are many scientific studies about rape, rapists, and effective forms of helping survivors. As a result, public awareness is improving, rape myths are being challenged, and survivors are finding better help today than in years past. 

 As you might expect, most resources to help rape survivors come from crisis centers, police stations, and specialized counseling programs. However, rape does not only affect the woman, but also her family, friends, and other loved ones. Because of this, people in relationships with rape survivors are called secondary survivors; we are not the ones who were attacked, yet we are still hurt and affected. Secondary survivors sometimes need help dealing with the trauma too, and our role as the victim’s helpers makes it important that we prepare ourselves with education and counseling whenever needed. 

 I am a licensed clinical therapist, and in my practice I have worked with many men affected by the issue of the rape of women. This booklet can help explain some of the things rape 

survivors have described as the most effective ways men can help."

Full booklet: http://www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

project unbreakable

 Warning: The following post may be triggering for some.

"The mission of Project Unbreakable is to increase awareness of the issues surrounding sexual assault and encourage the act of healing through art. Since the project's conception in October 2011 by then nineteen year old Grace Brown, it has featured over two thousand images of sexual assault survivors holding posters with quotes from their attackers."

http://projectunbreakable.tumblr.com/

paper dolls

Sierra Demulder

space

The following article is taken from http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2012/10/asking_for_spac

"Guest blogger Rebecca recounts an episode where she felt sensitive to her triggers. 

Last night a taxi company refused to provide me with a female taxi driver. I was told a female driver was available, but it would be inconvenient to send her because she was too far away from where I was.

The first woman who took the call seemed taken aback by the request and asked me to hold. Another woman, who was possibly a supervisor, then asked me why I wanted a female driver. When I explained it was for reasons of safety she acted annoyed and said that all their drivers were safe. I hadn't been expecting hostility so I attempted to justify my request.

I told her that I would feel safer with a female driver, as I was a young woman heading home alone late on a Friday night. I said I had been drinking and felt vulnerable. She dismissed my concerns in a way where I felt she was trivializing them. After she repeated that it wouldn't be possible to send the female taxi driver to me I hung up humiliated.

I wanted a female taxi driver because I was raped a couple years ago and had been badly triggered that evening. I'd had a rough day, but had arranged to visit a male friend of mine so wanted to honour the arrangement. When I arrived I explained about my day and how sensitive I felt, but about half an hour later my friend said, "Oh, here's a video I think you'll like," and showed me a video about rape in video-games. The content of the video would usually not have been a problem for me, but my friend gave me no warning and just pressed play without telling me a thing about it. I sat frozen on the side of his bed, thinking, "But I just told him about my day. Why would he show me this?" When it ended he launched into his own personal summary, which revealed a staggering amount of ignorance to the trauma rape victims feel and the way rape is dealt with in the mainstream media. I cut him off and excused myself, escaping to the bathroom, but not before telling him to Google the term 'trigger warning'.

Once I'd recovered myself a little I went back to his room and apologised for my behaviour. I referenced the rape a couple years ago and how lately I'd been getting more sensitive about it. I've been doing a lot of feminist activism, writing about the sex industry, and nude modeling and I was seeing rape culture more clearly and feeling a lot less safe because of it. I had, at the time, considered my assault an isolated incident by an individual man. But I was starting to view it as a consequence of a culture of permissiveness: from casual jokes to street harassment. My friend was clearly uncomfortable so I tried to laugh it off and change the subject, requesting that we watch an episode or two of a show I knew had few, if any, triggering moments in it.

By the end of the second episode I'd calmed down. Unfortunately I'd also missed the last bus home. Usually I would have stayed at my friend's house, but I wanted to be in my own bed in my own flat. That's when I called the taxi company.

My friend was uncomfortable that I wanted to ask for a female taxi driver. He didn't consider it justified and I was still a bit too upset to explain it to him. It is unfair to label all men as potential rapists and intellectually I know that is not true.

However, whenever a strange man knocks on my door, I feel my palms sweat, even though I know it is probably the postman. When I walk home alone a man engaging me in conversation may be a possible introduction to an assault. I will brush him off and walk away rudely, aware that he might merely be being friendly and that my behaviour is probably upsetting for him. It is not nice to be the source of fear in other people. I know that, but it doesn't stop me feeling afraid.

Trying to explain this to my male friends is difficult. Trying to explain it to taxi-companies at one in the morning is just too much. After stressing a little and a bit of a cry I let my friend phone a different company and order a taxi without trying again to specify a female driver.

The man who drove me home was perfectly nice and didn't leer, or make inappropriate jokes, or do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I have had some lovely male taxi drivers and many more that I could take a little teasing and flirting from. But that night I couldn't have dealt with it. I felt let down and vulnerable and silly, like my assault was an inconvenience that I was being rude for bringing up.

Surely this is a reasonable justification for wanting a female driver? Or maybe I have no right to force others to accommodate my trauma. When I got home my friend text me to see if I was okay and I told him I was. But I'm not. I'm not okay at all."

p t s d

 What is PTSD?

PTSD is a reaction to being exposed to an event which is outside the range of normal human experience. Sometimes it is referred to as post traumatic rape syndrome too. It is a normal human emotional reaction to an abnormal situation. Everyone reacts differently to different situations and it doesn't have to be a life threatening experience for someone to respond in this way. It just has to be perceived by the victim as a traumatic event. It is a psychological phenomenon. It is an emotional condition, from which it is possible to make a full and complete recovery.

PTSD affects hundreds of thousands of people who have been exposed to violent events such as rape, domestic violence, child abuse, war, accidents, natural disasters and political torture. It is normal to be affected by trauma. There is help, and it is ok to ask for help. PTSD is not rare. It is not unusual. It is not weak to have PTSD.

Traumatic experiences bring to the fore survival skills which are valuable and useful at the time of the trauma, but which usually become less valuable, less useful and less effective with time. Sometimes survivors become stuck in problem behaviours when their pain is not acknowledged, heard, respected, or understood. Denial plays a great part here (it didn't happen, or it shouldn't affect you). Put-downs, dismissal of the pain, mis-diagnosis and other forms of secondary wounding keep survivors stuck.

Symptoms may come on soon after the trauma or fifty years later. That is what is meant by the post in PTSD. It is normal too for symptoms to come up again when faced by further trauma and in very stressful times. It is normal to be affected by trauma.

Society has it's own way of dealing with trauma which can both be belittling or denying. For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or was no big deal or continually being told it was time that they were over it, or just try and forget it ever happened cause secondary wounding in trauma survivors. It reinforces the mistrust of everyone and everything that trauma evokes in all survivors who no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just.

This ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Extreme situations which trigger this reaction again and again may cause survivors to do things in order to survive which can be hard to look back on later.

Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.

Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable. Thinking about what they have been through is so painful survivors wind up avoiding thinking about, feeling, or doing anything that reminds them of the trauma. For example, if they feel the trauma was their fault they may spend the rest of their life having to be right so they won't ever be at fault again. If they were happy when the trauma hit, they may avoid happiness forever.

Recovery

Recovery is a slow process which doesn't come easily or without pain. The survivor must be heard, feel they are understood, believed and find the ability to reconnect to a community. Recovery takes time. The survivor sets the pace. Recovery is not a race, and can't be given a set time limit. Recovery doesn't erase the trauma as if it had never happened, it just makes it easier to deal with.

Further trauma will always affect survivors. PTSD symptoms may come back during times of further stress, but the negative effects can be minimised as the survivor learns what they are and feels able to take care of themselves.. True healing is knowing it is okay to ask for help again.

Recovery is about learning better ways of coping with trauma and letting go of fear, even fear of change. Slow growth is good growth.

You can't rush survivors and we must not dismiss their pain. Instead of comparing pain, survivors and survivor groups are encouraged to respect each others pain and to focus on what they have in common and to share recovery. Each person's unique experience and pain is respected.

PTSD symptoms, numbing, hyper vigilance and flashbacks, are strong hints that you need to get help! They helped you survive, but they do not go away by themselves. People have to alter their lives to control them. They can become both ineffective and a source of constant pain.

It takes time to get better. Getting better is the reward for taking the time to recover. Getting better, however, is a slow process. The state of almost constant physiological arousal which many trauma survivors live in makes it difficult for them to take in the kind of information needed to heal. This is part of the brain chemistry of survivors. It is not resistance or stubbornness on their part. People can talk about changing but all survivors may see is their lips moving. The words and concepts make no sense. They are incapable of taking what is being said on board because they are too busy taking in information for their survival. Things like who is in the room, where are they sitting, where is the door, which is the quickest way out, do they look hostile or friendly, how are they reacting to me?

Until they start to feel safe a survivor won't be able to react to anything or anyone. They have to feel safe and feel as though there is an element of trust there. When they have been treated with respect, not discounted, not pushed to hurry up and recover, which are secondary wounding experiences and make PTSD worse, they will feel safe and know it because they will be able to hear and understand what the therapist or group is saying in a new way.

When they can hear, survivors can begin to work on safety issues. They can begin to understand and protect themselves from triggers. They can learn to handle emotions such as anger and fear. Survivors can develop the capacity to respond rather than react, like having a pause button instead of an on-off switch. 

Searching for the right help is important. You need to be comfortable enough with the therapist or group. On the other hand searching for the perfect group or a therapist who will never make a mistake can put off recovery for life. The therapist or group is not going to fix you. They will however provide you with information and a variety of coping skills, but it is you who does the work and heals.

Each person heals in their own way, there are no hard and fast rules, just as there is no pill that can cure PTSD. Yes drugs can be used to help with the side effects of PTSD, like helping sleeplessness or hyper arousal. Unfortunately there is no simple clear cut solution for such a complex phenomenon. I firmly believe that survivors have to confront what has happened to them, and by repeating this confrontation, learn to accept the trauma as part of their past. There is no magic wand. However counselling and therapy can help to find an easier path through the trauma and set you on the path to healing.

information taken from: http://www.aaets.org/article178.htm

ptsd

What is post-traumatic stress disorder?

The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) is used to name a range of symptoms you may develop in response to experiencing a traumatic event, which is outside of your 'normal' human experience. It is often a delayed response.

Just hearing news of events, such as the London bombings in July 2005, incidents in the war in Afghanistan, or the Hillsborough football stadium disaster, can have a lasting effect on you. If you are actually present during a disaster of this nature it’s likely that you will become extremely distressed.

Likewise, if you are involved in, or witness, events such as road accidents, muggings, and sexual or physical assaults, these experiences may also cause you deep emotional injury. There is no doubt that the reactions that may follow can seriously hamper and interfere with your life.

Some survivors have objected to the use of the term ‘disorder’, because they see such reactions as an entirely normal and understandable response to abnormal events. But regardless of whether the term ‘disorder’ or ‘syndrome’ is used, the diagnosis recognises that there are events and experiences that are beyond our control, and which may fill us with fear or horror, and can cause extremely disturbing psychological symptoms.

What are the symptoms?

If you have faced a traumatic experience, you may simply feel emotionally numb to begin with, and feelings of distress may not emerge straight away. But sooner or later, you are likely to develop emotional and physical reactions, and changes in behaviour, which may include some of the following: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/post-traumatic_stress_disorder

 These are all quite common reactions to a traumatic event, and many people find the symptoms will disappear in a relatively short period of time. But if they last for longer than a month, or they are very extreme, you may be given a diagnosis of PTSD.

You may also have other symptoms, such as severe anxiety, a phobia or depression. You may develop a dissociative disorder (see Mind’s booklet Understanding dissociative disorders) and suicidal feelings. There’s no time limit on distress, and some survivors may not develop post-traumatic symptoms until many years after the event.

Fearing for your life

Events in which others die, or where you thought you were going to die, may lead to more long-lasting stress responses. A study of Falkland War veterans found that people who had actually been involved in combat were most likely to get PTSD.

Harmful intentions

Man-made disasters, particularly those involving deliberate acts of violence, terrorism, or exploitation, seem to cause longer-lasting and more painful emotional consequences than natural disasters. The crucial factor may be that such experiences destroys people’s trust in others, particularly if they involve someone you have depended on.

Conscious memories

People who remain conscious throughout the experience are more vulnerable to PTSD because of the horrific memories etched on the mind, whereas those who lose consciousness or suffer head injury are protected.

Personal circumstances

Your personal history can make you more prone to PTSD. If a traumatic event triggers memories of an earlier distressing experience, the effect may be much worse. Similarly, if you are already going through emotional problems, you are also much more vulnerable.

Guilt feelings

Sometimes survivors of trauma feel guilty, as though they were responsible for the event, or could have done more to save themselves or others. One study showed that those who blamed themselves in some way for the outcome of the disaster were more at risk of severe and long-term distress.

How can I deal with a traumatic event?

After a traumatic event, people often feel numb, dazed and disorientated. Talking about what has happened to them may be the last thing they want to do. Many survivors have said that what they found most useful, to begin with, was practical advice, followed by information and support with day-to-day tasks.

Talking about your feelings may be the best way of coming to terms with the experience. Everyone will have their own unique responses, and will need to proceed at their own pace. You may turn to friends, relatives and colleagues, or seek professional help when you decide you do want to talk about what you’ve been through.

It is important that you have an opportunity to talk to someone when you are ready to do so. However, you should not be made to talk before you are ready, or even at all, if you do not want to. Research has shown that debriefing immediately after traumatic events, by making you describe every detail, may make PTSD more likely, because it may help to establish memories of the event by bringing them into the conscious mind, increasing the risk of flashbacks or nightmares.

Many people go through a period of denial after a bereavement or a traumatic event. Researchers have suggested that this allows you time away from the trauma, similar to unconsciousness. This research also suggests that challenging or interrupting this by insisting you talk about the trauma is harmful. It is also possible that while you are apparently ‘in denial’, you may subconsciously be beginning to face the trauma.

However, if you bottle up stress responses over months or years, they may become deeply ingrained and cause serious problems. You may remain in a state of extreme tension long after the trauma has passed. You may find yourself avoiding situations, in case they remind you of the trauma, so that life becomes increasingly restricted. Not uncommonly, you may turn to alcohol or drugs in an attempt to avoid painful feelings and memories. In trying to avoid the problem though, you are also avoiding getting appropriate help. There are various organisations that can provide the details of counsellors experienced in treating PTSD. For more information, see ‘Useful contacts’.

It can be very helpful for you to share your experiences with others who have been through something similar. This can be an extremely important step in moving away from isolation and towards regaining control of your life. You may find it especially useful to contact an organisation specialising in your particular type of experience; for example, soldiers who have seen combat, victims of violent crime or sexual assault, and people who have been tortured or who are refugees. (see ‘Useful contacts’).

power

“It has been said that when a woman is raped, her power is taken away. It is the belief of this writer that this notion is incorrect. The immense power within a woman cannot be destroyed, only perceived as temporarily hidden. Lasting effects of rape can be changed by support and by uncovering the power that was so cleverly concealed. So many survivors believe they are alone on a journey. Their story may be theirs… but the journey belongs to everyone.”

 

“Although a sexual assault can last minutes or hours, the lasting effects can go on for years. The act committed by another person leaves a mark on the survivor so deep that at times they may not even see it. The result is a cluster of symptoms that can only be resolved with awareness and empowerment. The spirit is amazing in it’s resilience and starts to heal the moment it becomes injured. In becoming aware of the symptoms related to the original trauma, one can begin processing the event and come to a resolution. Survivors are empowered to overcome the beliefs instilled in them during the assault. Power is then uncovered showing strength that knows no limits. The spirit may have become clouded, but it is never broken.”

http://survivorsofrape.com/

http://www.drlauraberman.com/sexual-health/rape/becoming-whole-again

the other hand

Protecting Your Safety While Speaking Out is Not Irresponsible

http://thecurvature.com/2009/09/18/protecting-your-safety-while-speaking-out-is-not-irresponsible/

"Over at the F-Word is a post that I was absolutely horrified to see on a feminist blog, and while there are many already speaking out in the comments, I feel strongly compelled to say something myself.

According to the post, UK celebrity Katie Price has spoken out about being raped prior to her last marriage, which was to a man who is currently making a movie that glamorizes rape. That makes it seem like a prime time to speak out. She has also apparently said that her rapist was someone who is famous, but refuses to name him and says she never will.

Stating that her rapist was a celebrity was probably a decision worth thinking twice about, for her own sake — in that it would, and has, only increased public scrutiny and speculation. Such as that up above. But who among us, in speaking out, has not underestimated the hatefulness of people and thus accidentally made things more difficult on themselves? Who here has not found that in speaking out, there are more people than you could have imagined who are eager to make it as difficult as possible, anyway?

Katie Price has not done something particularly different from what I have; she has only done it while people know her name. I have spoken about being raped, and while I have never been particularly specific about the details, I have constantly mentioned that my rapist was also my boyfriend at the time. For those who have known me for many years, that is more than enough information for them to know his name. For him, were he to find me, it is also almost certainly more than enough. And that makes it enough period.

I have not given his name. I will not ever give his name publicly. And no amount of victim-blaming bullshit is going to change that.

Why? Because I value my safety. Because I value my mental health. Because I value myself.

Because printing his name would make it a million times easier for him to find me. Because it would make it easy for his friends to google his name and find me, too. Because it would open me up to extraordinary harassment by someone who through his very narrow definition of rape, which he undoubtedly uses to maintain his belief that he’s a decent person, almost certainly believes with all his heart that he did not rape me. It would open me up to charges of false accusations, to questions about why I have not pressed charges and statements about what a liar I am because I haven’t. It would back me into a corner, because while not pressing charges makes me a liar, pressing charges means setting up an impossible case on the grounds of something that happened many years ago with no witnesses, for a crime that rarely results in conviction, anyway (something that is especially true in the UK). Because it could potentially open me up to charges of libel. I will not name him because I deserve — no, because I have the goddamn right — to not spend every second of my life looking over my shoulder, afraid of just when he will appear.

And I imagine that if not every one of these things is true for Katie Price, a significant majority are. Her choices, right now, are being called an irresponsible coward by feminists and an attention-seeker by the media, or being sued for libel by her rapist and being called a liar by every single person under the sun.

What a brilliant fucking set of options, right?

Katie Price has already done more than a vast majority of celebrities who are also rape survivors will ever, ever do. The media reaction has undoubtedly only ensured that even fewer will. That is enough. That is more than enough, and it is brave. And she didn’t owe it to me. She didn’t owe it to you. She didn’t owe it to anybody, and she certainly doesn’t owe us more now.

Her refusal to name her rapist doesn’t send the message that rapists deserve to go without punishment — the court system does a fine job of that, and would only reinforce the message were she to do what people are trying to guilt her into doing. It doesn’t reinforce male privilege — it puts a tiny dent in it by speaking out about rape at all, and a tiny dent is sadly the most that any of us can do.

Her decision to not name her rapist does not speak of a right for men to be protected, it speaks of a right for women to deserve protection. It speaks of her belief that she has a right not only to set personal limits in a world that believes women are public property, but also and more importantly, to safety. It’s a refusal to relinquish that right in the face of victim-blaming and misogyny, even out of unexpected quarters.

I’ve said it over and over again, but I clearly cannot say it enough times. Women have a right to safety. And I would have expected feminists of all people to understand that."

another similar post can be found here: http://shutupsitdown.co.uk/2009/09/18/no-katie-price-is-not-obliged-to-name-her-rapist/

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s a v a n n a h

"As we’ve seen in the past, social media can add some complications to the normal flow of legal proceedings. In recent months, we’ve seen court cases wind up declared mistrials because of the social media activity of jury members. 

Now, it’s the alleged victim in a legal case that’s taking heat for her Twitter activity. Seventeen-year-old Savannah Dietrich of Louisville, Kentucky is facing up to 180 days in jail and $500 fine for a series of tweets she made regarding an open case. 

The Courier Journal reports that Dietrich, who was reportedly the subject of a sexual assault where two young men violated her while she was under the influence and then circulated photos of the event, was upset about what she felt was the unfair plea bargain that the two men received. 

She took to Twitter, where she named the two boys that allegedly assaulted her, saying,

“There you go, lock me up. I’m not protecting anyone that made my life a living Hell.”

Another tweet read: “Protect rapist is more important than getting justice for the victim in Louisville.”

The two boys’ attorneys want the trial Judge to hold Dietrich in contempt, as she has violated a court order to keep confidentiality.

The defendants have both already plead guilty, but received what amounts to a “slap on the wrist,” according to Dietrich. “So many of my rights have been taken away by these boys. I’m at the point, that if I have to go to jail for my rights, I will do it. If they really feel it’s necessary to throw me in jail for talking about what happened to me as opposed to throwing these boys in jail for what they did to me, then I don’t understand justice.”

Two different Facebook pages have already been set up in support of Dietrich. “Savannah Dietrich is a victim of Sexual Assault, upon doing the right thing and naming the men who assaulted her, she is being wrongfully punished. Please spread the word,” reads the page Help Savannah Dietrich. 

There’s also a petition on popular online petition site Change.org. They are calling on the Kentucky District Court Judge on the case to dismiss the charges of Dietrich for tweeting the names of her attackers. 

It reads:

She tweeted the names of her attackers anyway, likely feeling that it is wrong for anyone to get away for what they did to her. Now, she may face jail time for “contempt” because she stated who attacked her. Her punishment may be up to 180 days in jail and a $500 fine. This girl has already been traumatized and abused by her attackers. Now they want to violate her rights and ability to control her body again by putting her in prison, and the twisted laws are on their side.

Whether or not your think that Dietrich was right in her actions or that she violated the law, the only thing that’s certain is that cases like this are only going to increase as more and more people have access to public forums like Facebook and Twitter. 

UPDATE: As of Monday afternoon, defense attorneys for the two boys have withdrawn the motion to hold Dietrich in contempt for tweeting their clients’ names. Since the names have already been tweeted, one defense attorney told the Courier Journal, ““What could contempt do now? Seems like a rather useless exercise doesn’t it?”"


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Why Katie Price should name her rapist.
http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2009/09/katie_price_why


"Glamour model and reality TV star Katie Price was raped prior to her marriage to Peter Andre, according to her column in OK! Magazine earlier this month. In response to the media furore surrounding her revelation, Price stated that the only reason she chose to speak publicly about her sexual assault was following reports that her current partner, cage fighter Alex Reid, starred in a film that glamorised rape. While criticising the media attention this has yielded, two-weeks after her initial column Price has gone further to state that while she is unwilling to name the man who assaulted her he is, in fact, a “famous celebrity.”

Of course, this has inflamed tabloid interest in her attack, with almost any male celebrity she has ever been photographed with now the subject of speculation. As it stands the names of a footballer, a TV personality and a small-time film star have been bandied around the Internet as if the nation is involved in some sort of celebrity whodunnit, which not only means that, inevitably, innocent men are going to be accused, but that the severity of rape itself is being diminished, becoming nothing more than tabloid fodder, with papers scrambling to break the story rather than deal sensitively with what is a heinous crime and one that has a shamefully low conviction rate.

Price’s decision to publicly discuss her rape was, on Wednesday, the subject of channel 5’s current affairs programme, The Wright Stuff, and as a result Price called the show to defend her decision to conceal her attacker's identity, stating that she would “never, never absolutely not” name him. While, understandably, it must be extremely difficult for rape victims to speak about their experiences, Price is a TV personality who has made the transition from glamour model to mainstream celebrity owing to her outspoken and confident public persona and her determination to speak her mind, all marketed as part of her independence and business acumen. Therefore her silence is, in itself, a strong statement.

The vast majority of women who are attacked neither speak about their experiences, nor report them to the authorities. The reasons for this are manifold, but include fear that they will not be believed, that their personal lives will be subject to the basest scrutiny and judgement, and that there will be aspersions cast upon their morality. It is a physical and emotional trauma that a lot of women suffer in silence, worried that they will be seen as the cause of their own abuse. While Price now feels able to speak about what happened to her, making the claim in a national publication, maintaining the anonymity of her attacker is not only inconsistent, but also downright irresponsible.It perpetuates the idea that rape is part of the male privilege, positioning guilty men above puishment, and suggests that female victims should consider their attacks something that they must just quietly accept. According to the Guardian:

The government estimates that as many as 95% of rapes are never reported to the police at all. Of the rapes that were reported from 2007 to 2008, only 6.5% resulted in a conviction, compared with 34% of criminal cases in general. The majority of convictions for rape resulted from an admission of guilt by the defendant, whereas less than one quarter of all those charged with rape were convicted following a successful trial.

Price should realise that as a public figure she can lead by example, and is now in a position to offer strength to women who are living in silence, wrongly convinced that this is their shame. She has no obligation, of course, she is an individual, but as she courts the media she must realise that by now refusing to name her attacker she is fuelling misogynistic attitudes that encourage the dismissal of rape allegations as nothing more than a form of attention seeking, meaning that in actual fact it will become harder for women to come forward, fearing a disblieving reception. While she claims that she did not anticipate the media reaction her comments have incited, Price is well-versed in the machinations of the British tabloid machine, making this an extremely poor explanation.

Cynical journalists believe that this is nothing more than a publicity stunt by Price, designed to win favour with the nation following her vilification during her divorce from Peter Andre, and the fact the name of her assailant is said to have been “accidentally” caught on camera during the filming of her ITV show, What Katie Did Next, will probably fuel this belief (especially as it was said to have happened during a magazine interview). However, this attitude is reflective of the general scepticism accorded many rape victims, and her claims must not simply be dismissed, but properly investigated.

conviction

warning: this post may be triggering.

information taken from http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-me-i-put-my-rapist-prison

I Put My Rapist in Prison 

"In 1995, I was 16, and I was raped by a 25-year-old man.

It wasn’t a date rape. I wouldn’t even call him an acquaintance, he was just this guy who hung around with some people I knew.

I’d met him a few weeks before, and seen him around maybe once or twice after that. I won't go into the graphic details, but for several hours he raped me in my car in a remote location in the hills above my city.

Afterward, he drove my car to his apartment, forced me to take a shower, told me he would kill me if I told anyone, kissed me and asked for my phone number, and then let me go.

The rape was really violent. I’d been punched, slapped, and strangled, and there was blood running down my legs. I knew I needed to go to the hospital, and reporting it to the police was the only choice I considered.

As soon as he let me go, I drove to a hotel just down the street from his apartment complex and asked to use the phone to call 911.

I was like a zombie, shuffling around, totally numb. I don't think I was crying. A blanket appeared around me, I guess from the hotel front desk staff. I asked the 911 operator to tell the ambulance driver to not use lights or sirens because the only clear thought I had was that I didn't want the rapist to know I'd called 911, but about three firetrucks, five ambulances, and a million cop cars showed up with lights and sirens anyway.

I remember I could barely answer the cops' questions; it was like there was nothing left inside my brain. I kept saying over and over that I'd been drinking (I had, many hours before), to explain my confusion. I thought I was drunk, but I realized later that I was literally in shock.

I don't remember much about the hospital or talking to the police. I have a vague recollection of the rape exam, which was awful but necessary. I had to have surgery because I had internal injuries; I actually don't even know what exactly was wrong, but I think I had some sort of tear in my vaginal wall and my cervix had been badly damaged.

It was actually kind of a blessing in disguise that I was so badly injured, as it later made it hard for him to claim it was consensual.

I spent a couple days in the hospital. It's all pretty fuzzy (I was on a lot of painkillers), but I know I gave a description to the police and told them where he lived and I knew his first name. I looked at a set of mugshots and I picked out his photo immediately.

From what I remember, most of the police questioning was kind and compassionate, though they kept hounding me about why I didn't climb out the window of the bathroom when he put me in the shower.

After I got out of the hospital, I couldn't go back to school because the police hadn't arrested him yet and I was terrified that he'd find out I'd reported it. He knew what high school I went to. He even called my house at least once and bizarrely asked for Tiffany (not my name, or even close to my name). I'm not sure what he was trying to do.

He was finally arrested six days after it happened. About a month after the rape, I testified before the grand jury, and they decided that there was enough evidence to go ahead with a trial. There were a few other times I was in the courtroom too, but I was just there to watch and didn't have to testify.

I wish I remembered more details, but that whole time is such a blur. The trial was scheduled for about six months after it had happened. There was so much evidence against him that he ended up pleading guilty at the last minute in the hope of gaining leniency, so there wasn't actually a trial, just a sentencing hearing with a judge (no jury).

His main defense strategy was that he claimed I was a prostitute. I thought there was some rule that they can't use the victim's sexuality as a defense? I don't know, but they did.

I was actually a virgin at the time. I'd barely even made out with anyone. The defense had two random men I had never seen in my life testify that they'd paid me for sex and that my name on the street was Alexis (also nowhere near my real name or any name I've ever used).

I wasn't planning to testify, because the evidence was really strong and the prosecutor wanted to spare me the additional trauma, but he ended up putting me on the stand so I could say that I wasn't a prostitute.

Once I was up there, I had to tell the whole story and answer some questions. It was rough, but it wasn’t super terrible. After the testimony by me and those two random dudes and some cops and doctors (including my therapist, who testified about things I'd said in our sessions. That surprised me, to say the least...), the rapist was given a chance to say whatever he wanted.

He rambled on and on about how I said I was into S&M and rough sex and it was consensual and he threw in the prostitute thing a bunch more times and talked about the slutty way I supposedly dressed (BTW the night it happened I was in baggy jeans, a loose T-shirt, and an oversized cardigan. Real slutty, right? This was the mid-90s and that was how I always dressed), he never took any responsibility or admitted to any sort of wrong-doing.

He tried to portray me as some sort of "black widow," who manipulated and used men. It was all so offensive but it actually worked in my favor because he looked like such a jackass and it was so obvious that he was lying.

Then the judge announced his sentence, which was 10-30 YEARS in prison! That long of a sentence is practically unheard of for a rapist as far as I know.



He became eligible for parole in 2005, and I planned to read a statement at his parole hearing, but at the last minute I freaked out and decided not to go. Like, I had a plane ticket, went to the airport and then turned around and went home instead.

I felt certain that there was no way they would let him out, so I didn't think it mattered if I went. I'd heard things from time to time from the victim services coordinator, about the rapist attacking his own lawyer with a chair, fighting other inmates, getting into all sorts of trouble.

She called me after the parole hearing, and much to my surprise they were probably going to grant him parole! He was asking to be paroled to a state on the other side of the country, where I guess he has family. The parole board gave him 30 days to get permission from that state to be paroled there, to get a housing situation set up and a plane ticket, and they scheduled another hearing for a month later to see if he'd done what he was supposed to do. I knew I had to go to this second hearing.

This was actually way harder than the original sentencing hearing. Maybe it's because the first time around I was in shock, and so much was going on. I was sort of numb to it all. 10 years later it felt a lot more real.

I'd made a lot of progress in those that time, dealt with it as much as I could, and I'd finally gotten to the point that it wasn't the main thing on my mind ALL the time anymore. Going back to relive it all again was harder than I’d even imagined.

I'd long since moved away from the city where it happened, so I had to fly back there. I chose to go to the parole hearing alone, which I realized as soon as I arrived was probably a mistake, because I was terrified. The hearing was held in the prison, which was way out in the desert and super creepy and desolate. There were armed guards in the towers and huge barking dogs between two layers of fences.

I’d written a statement on my laptop but I didn't have a printer at the time so I brought my computer with me. Turns out they wouldn't let me bring it into the hearing room, so I had to sit in the lobby and quickly copy down as much as possible into a notebook. I was really scared, shaking and having a bad anxiety attack. I could barely read my writing.

Before the hearing, I went into a little room with the victim services coordinator and she went over my statement and advised me to take out a few things. She said if I felt like crying I should let it happen, because it might make me look more sympathetic to the parole board.

I was sure I wouldn't cry. At the original hearing I'd been so calm and collected. But as soon as I stood up to read my statement, I started crying uncontrollably. It was really overwhelming seeing the rapist again. He was sitting maybe 10 feet away. He'd been instructed not to look at me, but I could see him looking out of the corner of his eye.

I'd always thought that I would recognize him if he escaped from prison and I saw him walking down the street, but when I saw him I realized I probably wouldn't have. He looked different than I remembered, but it had been 10 years and he was 35 instead of 25 now.

He got his chance to say whatever he wanted first, and it was pretty much the same as the first time around: I was a big whore, etc. Then the parole board asked him a few questions. The hearing was set up so the victim gets the last word, so after he was done answering their questions I stood up and read what I had written and also got to respond to what he'd said.

Then everyone left the room and we waited a little while for the board to make a decision. When they were ready we all went back into the room, and they announced that because of my statement they'd decided not to grant him parole.

He was potentially eligible for parole every year after the 10 years, but the parole board decided to push back his next eligibility date to five years later.

His second parole hearing was in 2010. I chose to send in a written victim impact statement instead of attending, mainly because I found out that my written statement would be confidential, only read by the parole board. I didn’t want him to know how deeply affected I still was by what he did to me. It’s clear to me that he feels no remorse.

I found out recently that at this hearing he finally, sort of, admitted that he raped me. His story now is that he was a pimp and planned to turn me out. I have no idea if that’s true. He was denied parole again but they set his next hearing for only a year later.

His third parole hearing was a few months ago, and this time he was granted parole. I also chose not to attend this hearing, because I was almost certain he would be getting out soon and I didn’t want him to see me and know what I look like now, in case he comes looking for me.

He has to complete a six-month sex offender treatment program and then he’ll be released. He’s been on a waiting list to get into the program, but a few days ago I received an automated call from the victim notification system, letting me know that he’s just been transferred to the prison with the treatment program.

I know that I got lucky in a lot of ways. I was the right kind of victim (white, middle class, virginal) and he was the right kind of rapist (black, poor, with a long criminal history). There was a lot of evidence and it was so brutal that I don’t think anyone ever believed it was consensual.

I feel grateful that I’ve had the last 17 years to live my life feeling relatively safe with him locked up, but it still doesn’t feel like enough time or punishment to me. Once he’s released I doubt I’ll ever stop looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to come after me again.

I recently ordered copies of the police reports from my case. Reading through them was one of the most gut-wrenching things I’ve ever done, but it helped fill in the blanks in my memory and clarify some things. It may seem strange, but I actually want to remember every detail of what happened to me.

Being raped has affected me more than anything else in my life, and it feels important to hold these memories close."

some responses to the post:

"You inspire me. You get to choose how this defines you, be it as a victim or a survivor and cherish the parts of you that this experience cannot touch. He, however, will always be a rapist."

"I'm sorry you had to go through this, but thank you for having the courage to put that guy away and for your speaking so candidly about how it affected you. Hopefully more women who have to go through this terrible thing have the courage to put their rapists in jail because of your example."

"You are amazing and wonderful, and I look forward to the day when a woman's job doesn't affect whether or not she gets justice."

" Thank you for having that strength to put your attacker away. And thank you for sharing your story. Back in the day I used to look on the Internet for stories like mine and I found nothing much and it made me feel so ashamed and alone. I think the silence that surrounds these types of crimes makes it so much harder for people to come forward and to heal. So although I wish it never happened to you or to anyone, I'm glad you could be kind enough to share it. "

"You are stunningly brave for sharing this and living, clawing, fighting through this. I am certain that what you did spared more than one woman from the the hell you went through. I wish you peace. You deserve it."

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Reporting rape to the police

 The following information is taken from http://www.idas.org.uk/rapesupport/index.html , a really useful site.

Everyone will need different forms of support to help them through the experience of sexual assault or rape. Some people will find it easy to talk to friends and family and other people will need the help of impartial professionals. You may also need different support at different times of your life. Many people believe they have recovered from a rape that may have happened years ago only to find that watching a TV programme triggers old memories and feelings. Whether you need help because of something that's happened recently or something in the past there are a range of options open to you.

Immediately following rape: If you've just been raped consider getting yourself somewhere where you feel safe. For example do you have a trusted friend or relative you could be with or confide in?

Once you are somewhere safe, it's up to you if you choose to report to the police what's happened.

Reporting rape: If you do decide to report, you can call 999 or the non-emergency number on 101. If you report a rape that's happened recently, a forensic medical examination will be carried out and you will be asked for a statement about what's happened. Your physical examination should be done by a specialist doctor and your statement will be taken by a specifically trained police officer.

The police should also give you more information about support that you can access including info about Independent Sexual Violence Advisors. . If you report a 'historical' rape, you will still be asked for a full statement and given information about local support services.

If you don't want to report the rape then consider whether you need medical attention - not only for immediate physical injuries but also to check for sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy etc.

Support and advice: If you are unsure what to do next or don't know what support is available to you, you can phone the Rape Support Line (0300 111 0777) and talk things through with a worker. The national Rape Crisis line is also available most days on 0808 802 9999

Independent Sexual Violence Advisors (ISVA): If you have reported to the police you should be able to access support through an ISVA. An ISVA will provide you with information about the court process including keeping you informed about charging decisions, court dates and so on. They will also be able to accompany you if you need to give evidence in court.

Counselling and long term therapy: There are many different organisations and services that offer counselling and therapy. Some specialise in offering support about rape and sexual abuse and others offer counselling on a range of matters. Some organisations offer only one to one support whilst others also offer support groups. You can also ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist.

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The following information is taken from http://www.northumbria.police.uk/advice_and_information/
advice_and_support/Reporting_Rape/whathappensnext/

whilst some details may vary, most reporting procedures in the UK are the same/ similar.

When police receive a report of rape the first priority is the safety of the victim. The first person to attend will be a uniformed officer who will assess the situation while a Sexual Offence Liaison Officer (SOLO) travels to the scene. They are specially trained police officers who deal with victims of rape. SOLOs understand the impact rape has on victims and are trained to guide them through the investigative process.

You may already know the identity of the offender but if not, every effort will be made to identify the person or persons responsible.

If your report is made initially over the telephone, depending on how recently it occurred, you may be asked to retain and not wash the clothing you wore at the time of the assault. You can place these into a clean plastic bag if you wish to change them. The reason for this is to preserve potentially vital forensic evidence.

You may be asked (depending on how recently the incident occurred) to provide some ‘early evidence’ samples that may include a urine sample and a mouth swab. You may also be asked to agree to a forensic medical examination. The purpose of this is to assist in corroborating the report and to provide forensic evidence.

The SOLO will accompany the victim to the forensic medical examination. Adult victims will be seen by a trained forensic medical practitioner at one of the REACH centres which are not attached to police stations. The REACH centre offers counselling services, and an appointment can be made for you by the SOLO to attend an initial session. You will also be given an information pack detailing other services available.

Next the SOLO will explain how a statement can be taken – either a written statement or video interview depending on which is best for the victim and the investigation.

And they will liaise with detectives on the Rape Investigation Team or in the Child Protection Unit who will have responsibility for conducting a thorough investigation and seeking to bring the offender to justice.

The SOLO will also arrange for timely information on the progress of the investigation to be provided the victim and refer them to appropriate support agencies.

The force also has three Sexual Violence Advisers who can help victims with everything from housing, benefits, childcare and medical issues.

for more information on police procedures try: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/Policeprocedure2.php